


We Were Emergencies

by katlynwtf



Series: ASH [1]
Category: Naruto, Naruto Shippuden
Genre: ANBU!Kakashi, Angst, Blood and Gore, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, OC Story, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, a little bit of team ro, a little bit of team seven, but genma is also an awesome best friend, genma is inappropriate, mildly implied koteizu cuz katie can't help herself sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 06:29:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 33
Words: 72,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10431171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katlynwtf/pseuds/katlynwtf
Summary: Falling apart is easy. It's what comes after that's hard.





	1. Innocence Lost

One blood red eye, staring through a porcelain mask, the other dark as night. The rogue ninja knew those eyes, had heard stories about them, and fear flooded his entire body. He trembled as those cold eyes stared into his, and he knew the end - his end - was near. There was no escape.

"Get it over with," he growled, closing his eyes and accepting his fate. The other ninja didn't move, and even with his eyes closed, he could feel his stare, the intensity of that one red eye. "Just do it!"

He knew it was coming the instant he heard the sound of birds, the crackle of electricity, but nothing could have prepared him for the burning pain in his chest, searing through his nerves... And then it was over, and the ANBU operative stepped back as the body slumped to the ground. He didn't spare the ninja a second glance, turning and running back toward the village.

He was nearly to the gate when he collided with someone, barely catching them before they hit the dirt. He froze when he recognized the scar cutting a jagged line down the back of her neck. Asuna. Before she could turn, knowing she would recognize him, he backtracked, quickly hiding. He should have known it was useless, though.

"I know you're there, Kakashi," she called, and he sighed, leaning back against the tree trunk. He didn't remember her ever being able to identify him by his chakra signature. "Please don't make me come find you, I'm tired and I have a long-standing date with my shower I can't afford to miss." He didn't answer, hoping she'd just go, and after a long, silent moment, she sighed. "Whatever. Good to see you, too, buddy."

Kakashi waited until her footsteps receded before stepping out from behind the tree, watching her silhouette disappear into the village. She'd changed since the last time he had seen her, no longer the gangly, awkward teenager he'd once known. He supposed that he had changed, too, but he didn't think she'd recognize the person that he'd become.

Sighing once more, he began his path back into the village, shaking Asuna out of his mind. He couldn't let himself go down that road again. That road led to nothing but death.

\---

Yawning, Asuna Shiratori unlocked her front door, fingers fumbling with her keys. She was so damn tired, she was surprised she'd made it to the right door. She dropped her pack inside as soon as the door opened, closing it behind her and locking it before leaning against it to pull off her sandals. Home sweet home, she thought, glancing around the small apartment. There should have been inches of dust on every surface, but it appeared someone had been here recently and cleaned. The landlord, perhaps - the old coot was known to do that occasionally if her tenants were going to be gone for a while, and four years certainly counted as a while. She was honestly surprised she still had an apartment. Mina was probably looking to hit her for back rent.

Groaning, Asuna peeled off her flak jacket and dropped it unceremoniously by the door, quickly followed by the rest of her clothes. Oh, sweet relief. It felt so good to be naked.

The hardwood was cold beneath her feet as she moved silently through her apartment to the bathroom, flipping on the light and staring at herself in the mirror. She was coated in a thin layer of dirt and grime, her hair a tangled mess. She'd definitely seen better days, she mused, turning and opening the shower door. She ran the water as hot as she could stand it before stepping under the stream, wincing at the heat but relishing the feeling of the water on her dry skin.

She stood under the water and scrubbed herself until her skin was raw and red, until she'd washed away the desert and finally felt clean. She felt a little dizzy when she finally stepped out of the shower, but shook it off, drying off and wrapping the towel around her head. She looked a lot better when she eyed herself in the mirror, turning to examine the long gash that cut across her back from her shoulder to the opposite hip, still not fully healed but finally beginning to scar. Her last reminder of the desert.

Sighing, Asuna flipped off the light and headed to her room, eyeing her dresser for a moment before deciding against it and falling straight into bed. Clothes could wait. Sleep. She needed sleep.

"Bless you, Mina," she mumbled when she realized the old lady had washed her sheets, too, burying her face in the pillow and inhaling the soft scent of the lavender detergent Mina used. She could have all the back rent she wanted for this.

Closing her eyes, Asuna finally succumbed to sleep.

\---

The day dawned bright and clear, not that Asuna could see it very well buried beneath her pillows and blankets, Asuna blinked groggily, mentally cursing the birds that were chirping happily outside her window. She had intended to sleep longer, but she needed to get to the Hokage's office and report on her mission.

Sighing, she threw the blankets off and got out of bed, sitting up and squinting at the sunlight filtering in through the curtains. It took her a while to get herself moving, to force herself to dress, to leave, but finally, she locked the door behind her and set off.

The streets were noisy, filled with chattering adults and laughing children. She had missed these sounds, the sounds of a village filled with life and happiness. It was hard to believe that four years had passed since she'd last walked these streets, somehow it felt like it had just been yesterday.

She kept her head down as she walked, not really wanting to talk to anyone yet. She forced a smile and waved when Asuma Sarutobi and his group called a hello from the dango shop, but pressed on, not stopping to chat. Others recognized her on her way, and she repeated the actions so many times that her face hurt by the time she reached the Hokage's office. She sighed, pausing outside the door to collect herself before knocking.

"Come in," the Third Hokage's voice called, and she opend the door, pausing when she saw a familiar shock of pale hair in the center of the room. Kakashi. "Hello, Asuna. I'm glad to see you made it back in one piece."

"Lord Third," Asuna responded, bowing respectfully before straightening once more, glancing at Kakashi. "Kakashi. I never remembered hide and seek being your kind of game."

"I was working," the ANBU said curtly, keeping his gaze focused straight ahead. "My apologies."

"Sure." Asuna turned her attention to the Hokage, reaching into her pouch and digging out two thick scrolls. "Here you are, sir. All the intelligence I could gather in the last four years from the Sand."

"Anything of note?" the older man asked, taking the scrolls and releasing the sealing formula holding them closed.

"No, sir," Asuna answered, shifting her weight between her feet, glancing at Kakashi again out of the corner of her eye. Something was different about him, which was to be expected after four years, but this was... something dark. Something about him sent chills down her spine. "Something definitely seemed a little off, but it doesn't look like they're planning to make a move on us anytime soon." The Hokage made a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat, scanning her report. She shifted again, biting her lip nervously. "Sir-"

"Thank you for this, Asuna," the Hokage said, looking up from her report. "I'm sure you're anxious to spend time with your fellow shinobi after being gone so long, you're dismissed. You too, Kakashi, we'll speak about your mission once I've had a chance to look these over."

"Yes, sir," Asuna and Kakashi replied at the same time, and she looked at him again, catching sight of his Sharingan behind his mask. It had been a long time, but she still wasn't used to that sight. Shaking her head, she turned and walked out, Kakashi not far behind her. They were almost out of the building when he spoke her name.

"What do you want, Kakashi?" she asked, glancing over her shoulder at him. She paused when she saw his eyes widen behind his mask. He had not been expecting the irritation in her voice. "Oh, please, don't act like that. I'm gone four years and you can't even spare one second to say hello to me? I thought we were friends."

"That was before," he answered coldly, eyes narrowing. He almost looked intimidating, but she wasn't fooled.

"They were my friends, too." Asuna drew herself up to her full height, glaring at him now. "Their deaths didn't just affect you. I get that you want to play this whole 'woe is me my friends are dead, life is worthless' shit, whatever. But Rin was my best friend. You don't get to pull this shit with me." He opened his mouth, but she held up her hand before he could say anything. "Unless you're going to apologize, you need to walk away. I am too tired to deal with this right now."

"I..." He couldn't. He wasn't even sure he remembered how to say the words when they weren't directed at headstones. He stared at her in silence for a moment, then walked past her and out the door.

Asuna watched him go, the dark feeling she'd gotten off of him heavy in her mind. Something was wrong with him, that much was clear. She needed to get to the bottom of this.

She needed to find Guy.


	2. Regrets

Asuna wandered the village for well over an hour before she found someone that could tell her, with certainty, that Guy was out of the village on a mission. An hour that had gotten her nowhere, an hour she would never get back.

"Damn it," she groaned, kicking angrily at a rock on the ground in front of her, shoving her hands into her pockets. She honestly couldn't think of anyone else to talk to other than Kakashi himself, except for maybe the Hokage, but she doubted she'd get anything out of him. She wished Rin were here. Rin would know what to do.

Sighing wistfully, she walked over to the line of posts near the riverbank, sitting down and leaning back against one, looking out over the river. She no longer felt the urge to return home to her bed, she was too restless for that. She could go to the cemetery, pay her respects, but the headstones there carried memories she didn't feel like revisiting right now. No, she didn't want to think at all. She needed a distraction. She jumped when something struck the other side of the post, turning her head and smiling when she saw a man walking toward her as if he'd been summoned. Perfect.

"Well, well," he called, and she couldn't help but smile as he leaned against the post, reaching down and plucking a senbon from the wood, wiping it down and sticking it between his teeth. "Look what the cat finally dragged back to the village. Where have you been?"

"Around," Asuna replied as she got to her feet, welcoming his warm hug. Out of all her friends, she had to say she enjoyed Genma Shiranui's company the most. He was a ridiculous flirt, but he was always fun to be around. After a moment, she stepped back, holding him at arm's length. "We're overdue for a spar, you know."

"Are we?" He gave her a lazy grin, and she rolled her eyes when his gaze raked slowly down her body. "I guess." She snapped her fingers to draw his attention, pointing toward her face.

"Hey. Eyes up here," she said, and he sighed, meeting her pointed stare. She didn't know why she had expected anything different. It really was like she had only left yesterday, but she couldn't say that she was happy that this hadn't changed. She growled when his eyes drifted again. "Genma, unless you want me to knock you into next week, I suggest you stop looking at my chest."

"Yeah, yeah." He rolled his eyes, still grinning as he stepped back and raised one hand in front of him, holding up the first two fingers. "Let's see what you've got, Shiratori." Chuckling, Asuna matched him, then lunged forward. He brought up his arm to block her blow as she swung at him, bringing his own hand up, but she was just as quick to block, grinning at him now.

"You're going to have to do better than that," she teased, twisting her hand to grab his arm, but he was ready for her, and she had to side-step to avoid him. She danced back out of his reach as he came at her, movements quick and graceful. "Oh, come on, are you even trying?" She lunged, ducking his swing easily and driving her knee into his, knocking him off balance before dancing out of the way again.

They came together and spun apart, each attempting to strike, but both were too quick for the other, and they were already breathing heavily before either could land a blow. Exhaling with a loud huff, Asuna called for a time out, stepping back.

"What? Too much for you?" Genma asked breathlessly, grinning at her again. She shook her head, an amused smile on her face as she unzipped her flak jacket, dropping it by the posts. His eyes widened when she started tugging her shirt off, until he realized she had a tank top on underneath. "Well, that's disappointing."

"Shut up," she replied, laughing as she dropped her shirt, too. "Come on, let's go." She leapt at him before he could react, using his distraction to her advantage, and he grunted as her fist connected with his chest, sending him staggering back.

All the stress of today - hell, all the stress of the last four years - seemed to come rushing out of her as she and Genma sparred. She held nothing back, and neither did he, each pushing the other to the limit as they came together and pushed apart like magnets. She poured every ounce of her frustration and anger into their match until she had nothing left, nothing but exhaustion as she finally, _finally_ tackled Genma to the dirt, instantly shifting to straddle his waist and catching his wrists as he swung at her, pinning his hands by his head.

"Looks like I win, Shiranui," she said, grinning down at him. He was a little blurry through the sweat dripping into her eyes, but she could still see the look in his eyes, the smirk spreading across his face, could practically hear the gears in his head turning as he processed the position they were in, her chest heaving as she leaned over him, face mere inches from his. Rolling her eyes, she released his wrists and moved to lie beside him, turning her head and glaring. "Wipe that dirty look out of your eyes."

"What dirty look?" He feigned innocence, turning his gaze skyward, but his smirk still gave him away. "I don't have a dirty look."

"You have the dirtiest of dirty looks," Asuna countered, and he couldn't help but laugh when she reached over and smacked his arm. "Seriously, knock it off. I am a lady, you know."

"Oh, I know." He turned his head to look at her again, and she groaned when his eyes began to wander, her expression one of warning when he met her gaze again. "Looking a little tense there, Asuna. I could help relax you-"

"Does that line ever work for you?" Asuna interrupted, smacking his arm again. "Knock it off."

"Come on, you didn't miss this at all those four years you were gone?" he asked, and she sighed, looking away. Truth be told, she had. She'd spent so long in the company of people who only ever looked at her with distrust, it felt good to be with someone that she could let her guard down around, someone she could joke and laugh with. She honestly hadn't really felt at home until he'd walked up earlier. Not that she'd ever admit that to him. "Asuna."

"Hm?" She looked over at him again and found him watching her, head propped up on his elbow and a hint of concern in his brown eyes. "Sorry. I was just thinking."

"Everything okay?" As flirtatious and carefree as Genma could be, he knew when to be serious, too, and she found herself smiling appreciatively at his concern. She didn't really think she deserved that concern, considering how she'd left, but Genma had never been one to harbor a grudge.

"Yeah. It's just..." Asuna paused, biting her lip and looking away again. She wasn't quite sure where to begin. No apology she could come up with felt like it was good enough, like it could cover everything, but she had to say something. "I'm sorry that I never said goodbye." He was silent, offering no response, and after a moment, she closed her eyes, fingers tugging and twisting at the grass beneath them nervously. Regret was not something she usually let herself feel; she didn't see the point. But this... This she did regret. Leaving with no warning, without even so much as a goodbye to anyone, staying away for so long... it had never sat right with her. She knew that it had been necessary, her mission had depended upon it, but that didn't mean that she had liked it. Finally, she opened her eyes again, turning her head to look at him. "Please say something."

"I don't know what to say, honestly," he responded, eyes unreadable as they met hers. "I'm not going to pretend it didn't suck when you just up and disappeared for so long, or that I wasn't mad. You're one of my closest friends, Asuna, and I was under the impression you felt the same way about me." He looked down at his hand again, tugging at the grass. "I understand why you did it, though. Duty above all else, right?"

"That doesn't excuse it." She fell quiet, and he didn't dare break the silence, content to watch her and wait for her to speak again. After a while, she sat up, avoiding his gaze now. "My mission was to do whatever needed to be done to infiltrate the Kazekage's inner circle and gather as much intel as I could. I was assigned that mission with the understanding that it would take time to gain his trust, and that if I were caught, I'd be killed. So saying goodbye... it felt permanent. Like I was giving up entirely on the idea that I'd come back." That wasn't the whole story, she knew it and so did he, but he didn't press, he didn't ask what had happened, he didn't ask about the scar he could see clearly on her back. He had a lot of questions, undoubtedly, but instead he just sat up, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her against his side.

"It's okay, Asuna," he said quietly, resting his head on top of hers. "I don't blame you. The others don't either, we're all shinobi here. We know what this job entails. Don't beat yourself up about it, okay?"

"Okay," she replied after a short pause, barely the length of a heartbeat, tensing when his fingers flexed. "If you try to cop a feel I swear to Kami I'll make you wish you'd never been born." He chuckled, withdrawing his arm and getting to his feet, holding out his hand.

"Come on, I'm supposed to meet Asuma, Kurenai, and Raido at the dango shop. You're coming with." His eyes narrowed when she opened her mouth, shaking his head. "Nope, no arguments. Grab your clothes, let's go."

Rolling her eyes, Asuna reached up and took his hand, letting him pull her to her feet. She paused to put her long-sleeved shirt and flak jacket back on, and then followed him back toward the village.

She didn't know what kind of welcome would be waiting for her at the dango shop, but she supposed it was time to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew genma is so fun to write. i don't own naruto or the characters aside from the oc. title belongs to buddy wakefield's poem of the same name. constructive criticism encouraged!


	3. Shatter

The afternoon sunlight was warm against Asuna's back as she stood outside the dango shop, just out of sight from the entrance, trying to convince herself to go in. Genma had gone ahead, giving her time to calm her nerves, and while she was glad for the brief moment of peace, she almost wished he had stayed to make sure she didn't turn and leave, an option she was seriously considering.

She shifted her weight from foot to foot, staring toward the entrance of the shop. She could see them sitting there, talking animatedly with each other, and while the scene looked the same as it once had, she noticed small differences. Asuma sat a little closer to Kurenai Yuhi than he had before, and while Raido Namiashi still laughed with Genma as easily as he had before, there was a tension to the way he held himself, his shoulders stiff and his eyes taking in everything. He was the first to see her, and she sighed. There would be no leaving now.

Gathering what little courage she could muster, she crossed the street and entered the shop, giving them all a nervous smile when they looked up at her. Kurenai was the first to greet her, giving her a warm smile and a soft hello as she walked around the table to sit next to Genma, glancing up at him from the corner of her eye when he gave her a reassuring nudge with his knee.

"Welcome home," Raido spoke first, leaning forward with his elbows on the table to look at her around Genma. "How was the desert?"

"For it being a top secret mission, a lot of people seem to know I was in the desert," Asuna replied, raising a brow at him. "Do I still have sand in my hair or somethi-" She paused when she saw someone walking by outside, and then his head turned, his one visible eye locking on hers. The others were talking, but it all faded into white noise as Kakashi stopped, watching her for what felt like a lifetime. It was the first time she'd seen him without his ANBU mask since she'd been back, and it honestly kind of knocked the wind out of her. Finally, he turned away, continuing on his way. The sounds around her came back into focus, and she flushed red when she realized everyone was staring at her. "What?"

"You look like you just saw a ghost," Kurenai said, glancing over her shoulder to where Kakashi had been standing a second ago. "Kakashi bothers you that much?"

"No," she muttered defiantly, looking down at the table, and then she sighed, looking back up. "Yes. Something's going on with him. He seems..." She paused, searching for the right words. "He seems more messed up than before. Did something happen while I was gone?"

"Not that I know of," Asuma answered after a moment, looking thoughtful. He glanced at Kurenai, who shrugged. "I don't know, honestly. He doesn't talk to us much anymore." He looked over at her again, expression apologetic now. "Guy should be back from his mission soon, he might know." Asuna sighed, resting her elbows on the table and leaning forward. She wanted to press the issue, but everyone looked uncomfortable, so for now, she would drop it.

"So, what did I miss these past few years? Tell me all the gossip." She changed the subject before the mood in the shop could drop any further, and everyone looked relieved. But still, even as she sat there, silently listening to her friends tell her all their stories, she couldn't stop her mind from drifting, couldn't stop thinking about Kakashi. He was still stuck in her mind when she finally said her goodbyes to the group, beginning the lonely walk back to her apartment through the darkening street.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice the lights were on in her apartment until she was standing inside, staring at Kakashi sprawled across her couch with a bottle of sake in his hand, dangling precariously over the edge of the cushion. She blinked rapidly, sure she was imagining things, but he was actually there, and she could smell the alcohol on him from the doorway.

"You s-still keep the s-spare key under... under the mat," he slurred, opening his eye to look at her. He raised the bottle, giving it a disappointed shake, and then it slipped from his fingers, shattering on the hardwood. He didn't seem to notice. "S-should probably mo-move it before s-someone breaks in." 

"What are you doing here? You have your own house, you know," Asuna replied, pushing down the irritation she felt and forcing her voice to stay even and cool as she walked over, kneeling down to clean up the shards of glass, wincing as they sliced her fingers and palm, but she picked up every one before standing, taking the mess to the kitchen. She dropped the glass into the trash, and then set to work on patching up her hands. "Tell me, Kakashi, of all the places you could have gone to drink, why come here?"

"Used to not need a reason to- to see you." Even in his inebriated state, he moved quickly, silently, and her breath caught in her throat when she felt his warm hands on her shoulders, turning her around to face him. He didn't meet her eyes as he lifted her hands, inspecting the bandages she had wrapped around them. "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it." Asuna tugged her hands away, stepping back. She stiffened when her back hit the edge of the counter. Something about how close he was made her nervous. Maybe it was the memory of the last time he'd been this close, maybe it was the look in his eye, the alcohol on his breath, or maybe how she didn't even really know him anymore, but she felt an intense need to get away from him, to put as much distance between them as she could in the small apartment. Before she could move, though, he planted his hands on the counter on either side of her, head falling forward onto her shoulder. She tensed further at the contact. "Kakashi, what are you really doing here?"

"I don't trust myself to be alone right now," he mumbled, and she shivered when he took a hesitant step closer. "You were the first person I thought of." Her heart clenched at the words. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him, to pull him in and ask him what had been going on with him. In his current state, he might even tell her. But as if he could read her thoughts, he stepped away, his guard up once more as he retreated back to the couch.

Asuna watched him as he sprawled face down on the cushions, brow furrowing in concern. Seeing him like this, it was a painful reminder of what day was coming up. She'd been trying to forget about it, to push it to the back of her mind and just let herself enjoy being home, but now... Now it was all she could think about. She knew that it had to be the reason for his sojourn into the bottle, the reason he couldn't bear to be alone. Even after all this time, it still weighed as heavily on his mind as it had when it first happened.

No, she decided, shaking her head. She couldn't allow herself to think of that now. Sighing, she pushed off the counter, walking over where Kakashi lay, already snoring softly. She watched him for a moment before reaching over to pick the blanket up off the back of the couch, unfolding it and draping it over him. He shifted as it settled on him, and she stepped back, worried she'd woken him when he lifted his head, but he just turned it toward her before settling back down. 

She couldn't help but admire the difference in him like this. For as long as she had known him, he was always tense when he was awake, like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders - never fully relaxed, even around her. But asleep, all that pent-up tension melted away, and he looked peaceful, almost child-like. Like this, he looked so vulnerable, entirely defenseless and unguarded. She could only recall seeing him like this once before, that last night she'd seen him before she'd left.

That night... So much had changed that night. They were both so broken as they'd fallen into the solace of each other's arms, but their attempts to piece each other back together had only shattered them further, creating a space between them that had widened into an impassable chasm. The truth of it was, neither of them knew the other anymore, and it had been foolish of her to come back expecting anything different.

But still, watching him sleep peacefully on the couch, she felt an overwhelming sense of nostalgia, undercut by deep sadness. She had missed him, more so than anyone else, so much that it had made her physically ache. He'd been one of her closest friends once, the one he turned to when everything began to crash down on him, when it all became too much to bear, and he had done the same for her. She had spent countless nights just sitting with him, the silent comfort of his presence holding the darkness at bay, keeping her together when every last part of her wanted to fall apart. He had been her rock, her safe place, but now... Now everything was different. Instead of feeling comforted by his presence, she felt a twinge of fear, and what had once felt safe screamed danger. The darkness that she had struggled to keep him from falling into had taken over, driving out the last remnants of light.

This much Asuna was certain of - whatever Kakashi had been to her once, that part of him was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.  
> usual disclaimer, naruto/characters not mine, title belongs to buddy wakefield poem of the same name, yada yada.


	4. Black Hole

It was still dark when Kakashi woke, sitting up with a sharp gasp, his nightmare still fresh in his mind. His wide, wary eyes darted around the room, and it took him a moment to remember where he was. His gaze fell on Asuna, curled up in the chair across from the couch. Her sleep appeared as uneasy as his had been, a thin sheen of sweat across her furrowed brow, twitching occasionally and mumbling. He had forgotten how she tended to talk in her sleep.

He sat there watching her for a moment, then stood, catching the blanket as it slid off of him. He hesitated, then walked around the coffee table to drape the blanket over her. He froze when she shifted and mumbled his name, worried he'd woken her, but her fingers just curled around the edge of the fabric and clutched it closer. She seemed to relax under the warm weight of it.

Kakashi stared down at her for a second longer, but then he forced himself to move, to walk over to the door, put his sandals on, and leave, shutting the door quietly behind him.

The chill of the night air made him shiver, and he almost considered turning around and going back inside. Instead, he tucked his hands into his pockets and headed off through the dark, silent village. He still felt the effects of the alcohol, his vision blurry around the edges - everything felt fuzzy. He probably should have stayed; it wasn’t too late to turn back... No, that was the alcohol talking. The part of his brain that could begin to think rationally again knew that he never should have gone there in the first place, should never have given in to the loneliness that ached deep in his chest, but he hadn't been able to resist.

There was no denying that Asuna had an indescribable pull on him, something that kept dragging him back into her orbit no matter how hard he tried to stay away. But just as undeniable was the anger he felt toward himself for his weakness. It was weak of him to consider giving in, even for a second. He knew better - as bright a light as she shone into his darkness, light couldn't survive a brush with a black hole, and he'd be damned if he destroyed anyone else.

With a heavy sigh, he stopped just outside his house, tipping his head back to look up at the dark sky. He didn't particularly want to go home, to step into the crushing silence, permeated by the memory of his father, of Rin, Obito, Minato, and even Asuna... Those four walls held so much history, so many memories he didn't know if he could face in his current state. He knew he should just move, find himself a small apartment and sell the house, but he also didn't know if he could let go of it, even with all the bad memories that swarmed him every time he opened the door.

Blinking slowly, he dragged himself from his thoughts, turning and walking up to the door, fitting the key in the lock. He hesitated with his hand on the knob, then shook his head and made himself open it.

As always, Kakashi's eyes were drawn to the exact spot on the floor where he'd walked in and found his father. It had happened so long ago, but the memory of it was vivid, clear, like it had happened yesterday. The flooring had been replaced, but to this day he could still see the blood spreading around his father's still form, soaking into his white hair, staining it crimson. He could still hear the rain pounding on the roof and windows, could still feel his father's blood, warm and wet beneath his hands as he tried to put pressure on the wound, to stop the bleeding, begging his father not to leave him. He had been so young then, just a boy, a child who looked up to his father like he was a hero capable of putting the stars in the sky.

His father's death wasn't his first loss, but it was the first he was old enough to remember, the first in a string of losses that would hurt him in ways he didn't know it was possible for humans to feel, let alone survive. How he was still standing, he had no idea.

Kakashi's mind drifted to Asuna again as he locked the door, taking off his sandals and padding silently through the dark house to his room. He didn't bother to undress, lying down and folding one arm behind his head, the other across his chest, eyes fixed on the ceiling. Asuna. He couldn't shake the thought of her, hadn't really been able to since that first moment he'd run into her outside the gates. Seeing her again had brought up a lot of things he'd tried so desperately to forget, things that used to send him running to the comfort of her presence, to the light that radiated off of her despite her own darkness. But then she had left, and he had lost himself completely.

It was strange how he had never really noticed how important she was until she was gone.

Heaving another sigh, Kakashi closed his eyes, trying to quiet his thoughts. Thinking about this wouldn't do him any good - nothing could strip away the scars of the past, his or hers. He had learned to live without her, if what he was doing could really be called living, and she was better off not knowing who he had become in her absence.

 _It's for the best_ , he assured himself, but he was still trying to convince himself of that when sleep finally took him.

\---

The first thing Asuna noticed when she woke the next morning was that Kakashi was gone, no trace of him lingering in her apartment. While relieved that she wouldn't have to face him after the incredibly bizarre turn of events last night, she couldn't help but worry about him, too. He had clearly not been in the best headspace last night, evidenced by both his drinking and his behavior, and she found herself wishing he had stayed, if not for anything other than her own peace of mind.

She had just decided to go by his house to check on him when there was a knock on the door. Groaning, she threw the blanket off of herself, standing and stretching out her stiff, cramped muscles. The person outside knocked again, clearly impatient.

"I'm coming!" she called, rolling her shoulders back and heading for the door, turning the lock and opening it to find Genma standing on the other side. He grinned when he saw her. "You better have a good reason for being here."

"I do, actually," he said, leaning against the doorframe. "Hokage sent me, we have a mission."

"Are you serious? I _just_ got back," Asuna whined, lower lip jutting out in a pout. She turned, still grumbling as she reluctantly went to get ready. "So much for my week of rest. Fuck me."

"Since you asked so nicely." Genma probably thought he was being so cute, until she turned, grabbing a throw pillow from the couch and hurling it at his head. He knocked it aside with ease, laughing despite her glare. "Come on, Asuna. This is cute and all, but we don't have time for a pillow fight now. Hurry up and get ready."

"I don't see why I have to go." She was still complaining as she disappeared into the bedroom, watching the door as she changed. She wouldn't put it past him to try and sneak a peek, but when she went back out to the living room, he was lounging on the couch. He hadn't bothered to take his sandals off, and she growled when she saw his feet on the coffee table. "I know you were raised in the wild with the rest of the animals, so you don't really understand the concept of manners, but that's not okay. Get your feet off my table, you heathen."

"Yes, ma'am," he replied, as if to prove her wrong, and she rolled her eyes when he gave her a cheeky grin, placing his feet on the floor and standing. "You ready?"

"Think so." Asuna did a quick inventory of herself, checking the pouch strapped to her thigh to make sure she had kunai, then checking her supply pouch for everything else. Satisfied she wasn't forgetting anything, she walked over to the door and tugged on her sandals. Genma followed, opening the door and letting her walk out first. Despite knowing it was just an excuse to look at her ass, she accepted the gesture and walked out, locking the door once he'd closed it behind her and falling into step beside him. "So what's the mission?"

"We're going rumor chasing," he answered, side-stepping around a kid that wasn't paying attention to where he was going when they reached street level. "You, me, Raido, and Iwashi, as well as four other teams. You remember how the Sannin Orochimaru left? Well, there have been reports from units patrolling the border about travelers who thought they saw Orochimaru, all in different areas. We're being sent to check it out."

"That sounds fishy." Asuna glanced up at him, noting the furrow of his brow, the way he chewed on the end of his senbon. "You look nervous."

"No, not nervous," he responded, glancing back at her, corners of his mouth turning up in a small smile. "A little anxious, though, we haven't been on a mission together since we were chunin."

"Don't worry about it, we've always been a good team." She grinned, nudging his elbow with hers. The gates were in sight now, and she could see Raido and Iwashi waiting for them. "I may not want to go, but that won't keep me from doing my job. It'll be fine; I'll protect you from the creepy guy with the snakes."

"One time," Genma scoffed, glaring down at her now. "I freaked out about a snake _one time_ when we were kids, you're really not going to let me live that down?"

"Never." Asuna's grin widened, and before he could react, she reached up to flick his nose. She froze though, fingers inches from the tip of his nose, when she saw Kakashi standing behind him, watching their exchange through his ANBU mask. She couldn't see his eyes, but his shoulders were tense, his body stiff. He looked unhappy about something. She held his gaze for a long moment, unease flooding her body as she lowered her hand back to her side. It only lasted a moment, and then he turned away, walking over to where his teammates were waiting for him. She should have known ANBU would be involved in any investigation into Orochimaru rumors, but it still unnerved her to see them, to see _him_.

Forcing herself to shake it off, to focus on the mission at hand, Asuna glanced at her teammates. Genma was talking to Raido like he hadn't even noticed her reaction to Kakashi, and they were all doing last minute checks, making sure they were ready. Raido gave her a tight-lipped smile when he saw her watching, and the rare gesture, a tad strange coming from him, was enough to ease her sudden anxiety.

"What's the plan if we find Orochimaru?" Iwashi was the first to break the silence, tightening the last bandage around his leg and looking up.

"Capture if we can, eliminate if we can't," Raido answered, digging into his supply pouch and pulling out a scroll. "Whatever means necessary. Ready?"

"Let's do this," Asuna agreed, and Genma echoed her words. Iwashi just gave a curt nod, and Raido gave them all the same smile he'd given her a moment ago.

"All right, so we're heading to the border we share with the Land of Rice Paddies," Raido informed them, unfurling the scroll to reveal a map, pointing to a spot he'd marked. "This is where the patrol unit encountered the traveler who said they saw a man matching Orochimaru's description. We're to search the area, but we aren't to go too far into the Land of Rice Paddies unless we have no choice. Understood?" Once everyone made some sort of noise of agreement, he rolled the map up and put it away. "All right, let's go." He turned, and they set off down the road out of the village.

The entire group was silent as they moved into the trees, falling into a basic formation as they traveled through the branches. With each step they put between them and the village, Asuna's unease grew, settling deep in the pit of her stomach.

Something was off about the entire situation. She hadn't heard a word about Orochimaru at all in the past four years, not even the slightest whisper, yet now there were rumors all over the place, drawing nineteen elite ninja away from the village. The circumstances were odd, to say the least.

She had a bad feeling about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wheew this took a while. bit of a heavy chapter to begin with, but we're starting to move forward! :)  
> edit: i can't math.


	5. Rumors

Groaning, Asuna slowed to a stop, exhausted by the breakneck pace that Raido was setting. It was a two day trip to the border with the Land of Rice Paddies, but he seemed to want to make it there in just one, and she just couldn't keep up any longer.

"Can we take a break?" she gasped out, glancing up at Raido when he stopped and turned to look at her. "I know, I know, this mission is important, but I'm dying here. Please."

"Okay," the man relented, and one by one they dropped from the trees to the floor of the forest below. He didn't seem thrilled by the idea, but with the sun already long below the horizon, he knew it made sense to stop for the night. "We'll set up camp. Genma, you have first watch, I'll come swap you in a few hours."

"You got it." Genma dropped his pack against a nearby trunk, and then headed off through the trees. Asuna helped Raido set up bedrolls while Iwashi gathered firewood, and then they sat down. They were silent as they ate their food pills, and Asuna felt her eyes drawn to the flames. She sat there watching them dance and writhe until long after the others had fallen asleep, until it was nothing but embers. Fire had always fascinated her, ever since that night. No. No, she wouldn't think about that night.

Getting to her feet, she pushed her senses outward until she found Genma's bright, warm chakra, perched in a tree about forty-five meters to the south. She moved silently, and was already beside him before he finally realized she was there.

"For someone who's supposed to be on watch, you're very easy to sneak up on," she said, and he nearly jumped out of his skin, turning his head to glare at her. She could instantly tell that something was bothering him, it was written out clear as day in his brown eyes. That was probably the only reason she'd gotten the drop on him. "Okay. I can't sleep so I'll bite. What's going on in that empty head of yours?"

"Does something about all of this feel weird to you?" he asked, ignoring her jab. He looked as uneasy as she felt, mouth working furiously on the end of his senbon. "The last time we heard anything about Orochimaru was the night ANBU found one of his labs, right before you left. And now this? It makes no sense."

"Right now the village is short sixteen elite jonin and chunin, and one team of ANBU," Asuna answered, turning her head to look out over the path. It felt good to finally voice her concerns. "Nineteen exceptionally skilled ninja, away from the village all at once. That shorts the guard roster, the barrier unit, the Hokage's personal guard." Three possible points of attack. "What if this is all a trap? What if someone's trying to weaken our numbers to attack the village?"

"There are still a lot of shinobi back in the village," Genma pointed out, taking his senbon out of his mouth and twirling it between his fingers. "Unless the trap is for us."

"It's entirely possible." Asuna glanced at him, eyes drawn to the slight flash of his senbon as he spun it. "Five points of contact for Orochimaru, all in different areas, spread across the border. Four teams of four, one of three. Whoever spread the rumors would have to know how many teams we'd deploy, how many shinobi would be on each. If it's an attempt to thin our numbers, why not create more than five points of contact? Why only five?" She paused, but he didn't offer any answers, but she was starting to get an idea. "Maybe any more than five wouldn't be believable. Send five teams, when the first five disappear, send more to investigate? No, that wouldn't make sense either, the next group sent out would know it was a trap." She sighed in frustration, shaking her head and looking down the path again. Something in that direction caught her eye. "None of this is adding up. None of this makes any sense at all."

"It could be as straightforward as it looks," Genma offered finally, sticking his senbon between his teeth again. "Maybe Orochimaru took a long route to wherever he was going and was seen."

"He's one of the Legendary Sannin, he knows how to avoid detection," she replied, holding up a hand before he could reply, gesturing in the direction she was looking with two fingers. She lowered her voice to a whisper when she saw movement, expanding her senses. She didn't recognize the chakra she felt. "See it? Unfamiliar chakra signature, five o'clock." He made a small noise of confirmation, and they were out of the tree in an instant. It had been so long since they'd worked together, but it was easy to fall back into the rhythm; it was like it had been days, not years. He knew her plan without asking, flanking right through the trees while she went left.

Asuna approached silently, following Genma's chakra signature. She stopped when she heard the soft whistle of a bird - the signal. All clear. A moment later, Genma was in front of her, shaking his head.

"A Leaf kid," he informed her as they started heading back. "One of Satomi's. His team's heading back from a mission, he was on watch." Asuna nodded, pushing her senses outward until she found a cluster of chakra - Satomi was among them.

"Checks out," she said, following him up the tree as he returned to his perch, sitting beside him once more. She should have checked before they headed back, but she trusted Genma's judgement. "Back to the problem." They talked for a while longer - or rather, Asuna talked, and Genma just listened as she bounced theories off of him, until finally, she sensed Raido's chakra approaching. If he was surprised to see her there, he didn't show it.

"Swapping me out?" Genma called down to him, getting to his feet and leaping down from the branch, and Asuna followed suit. "Great. There's a group of genin not too far from here, Satomi's team. They have their own lookout wandering around. Other than that, there's nothing nearby worth worrying about." Raido nodded, and while he went up the tree, Asuna fell into step beside Genma, heading back to camp.

He laid down as soon as they got back, asleep in mere minutes. She had always envied how quickly he could fall asleep - she was exhausted, but still restless. She didn't think she could sleep even if she wanted to, but she laid down anyway, staring up at the canopy of leaves stretching overhead, rustling gently in the breeze.

Before long, the soft sound lulled her into an uneasy sleep.

\---

The sun had barely risen when they set off again, pace just as quick as it had been yesterday, and they reached the first village on their list around midday. It was a bustling town, small but crowded, the streets overflowing with small pop up shops and laughing children, adults stopping every few feet to check out each vendor's wares. It looked peaceful, like nothing ever truly happened here.

After a brief pause to discuss strategy, they split up, Iwashi heading to the east, Genma to the west, Raido to the north, and Asuna to the south. If they found nothing in the next couple of hours, they were to meet at an inn near the entrance to the village to regroup. It was a solid plan, the four of them more than enough to cover the entire village, but Asuna had a sneaking suspicion it might all be for nothing.

She kept her senses on high alert as she moved methodically through the busy streets, asking every person she saw if they'd seen a man matching Orochimaru's description, but so far she was coming up empty. Either no one knew anything, or if they did, they were too afraid to talk. It was frustrating, to come all this way and find nothing, though she supposed she should have expected as much on their first stop. They had three other villages to check out; maybe one of those would turn up something.

Sighing, she glanced around, looking for someplace to eat. She had just settled her eyes on a ramen shop when she saw two men standing nearby, one hidden in the shadow of the alley, the other standing out in broad daylight. She hadn't seen those two yet, maybe they knew something.

She was about to cross the street when the one in the shadows met her eyes. She stopped dead in her tracks, wide eyes fixed on the man as the entire world seemed to stop around her. No. This didn't make sense - her eyes must be playing tricks on her. _It wasn't possible_.

Murmuring something to his companion, he stepped out of the shadows and headed down the street. _No. Come back._ She had to know. She forced herself to move, to go after him, but as if sensing her following him, he sped up. So she stopped and did the only thing she could, voice trembling as she called after him.

"Akio?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slow moving chapter, but this starts something important that i am very excited about :))


	6. Ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter edit: realized I wrote that it was sixteen years since the fire here, when in actuality it's only eleven. oops my bad.

_No. It couldn't be him. Snap out of it, Asuna, it's not possible. It's not Akio, Akio is dead_. These were the words she told herself as she watched the man, achingly familiar yet so alien, hurrying down the street. He didn't turn when she called after him, didn't even pause, and that made it easier to believe that she was just going crazy. _Akio is dead_. It couldn't be him.

Forcing herself to take a deep breath, Asuna bowed her head, ignoring the stares of the villagers as she turned and headed quickly back toward the village entrance, toward the inn where she was supposed to meet her team. Her heart was racing, pounding so hard in her chest she thought it might crack right through her sternum, confusion and fear twisting her stomach in knots. What if it was him, though? A part of her desperately wished that it was, that he had survived that night. At the same time, that would mean that he had been alive, and he hadn't tried to find her. _No. Akio is dead_.

She repeated those words over and over again in her head like a mantra, until finally, the door of the inn came into view. She pushed through it, forcing a smile when she saw her teammates waiting for her inside. If they noticed how flustered she was, they didn't say anything, calling greetings and waiting until she'd joined them before heading down the hall and up the stairs to their rooms. Being the only kunoichi, Asuna had a room separate from the men, yet they all convened in one to discuss their findings.

As expected, everyone had come up empty. In fact, the only one of them who had anything interesting at all to share was Asuna, but she couldn't bring herself to tell them about her run in with the man near the ramen shop, despite the high likelihood that it might be important to their search. She felt guilty, hiding it from them, but her stomach was still in knots and she just couldn't do it. Not yet.

They talked long into the afternoon, reviewing the plan and strategizing for tomorrow, deciding on one last sweep of the village before they left for the next one. The idea left Asuna both relieved and disappointed - as much as she wanted to know who the mystery man was, was she truly ready to pull those skeletons out of the closet? Eleven years was a long time, but it still hurt like it had only been yesterday.

Her fingers instinctively touched the scar on her palm, tracing the thin, raised line where it slashed across her skin. Her last reminder of her brother, aside from the headstone bearing his name that marked an empty grave in the village cemetery. She had thought he was alive back then, too, hoped that he was out there somewhere. It had taken her years to let that go, to accept that she was the last of her family, that she was truly alone in the world. It was foolish of her, naïve even, to let herself rekindle that hope.

So lost in her thoughts as she was, she didn't notice that the others were leaving until Genma touched her shoulder. She jumped like she'd been stung, gaze snapping up to meet his eyes, filled with worry. His mouth moved, but she couldn't hear a word he said - she had to ask him to repeat himself twice before it finally registered that he was asking her if she was coming to dinner with them.

"No, I'm not hungry," Asuna answered, shrugging his hand from her shoulder and stepping back. The growl of her stomach betrayed her, though, and he raised a skeptical brow. "Fine, I'm hungry, but I'm not feeling well. It's been a long day and all I really want is to go to bed. "

"All right," he replied after a moment, turning and heading for the door. He paused before leaving, looking back at her once more. "Whatever it is that's bothering you, I'm here if you want to talk about it. You know where to find me." He left before she could respond.

The instant the door shut behind him, a heavy silence settled over the room, followed by a deep, aching sense of loneliness that felt as though it might crush her. Part of her wanted to follow him, to join her teammates and let them distract her from the memories that were flooding her mind. Instead, she laid out the bedding the inn had provided, lying down and closing her eyes.

For once, sleep came quickly, but she should have known her ghosts would follow her into her dreams.

\---

_Smoke, thick and heavy in her nose and lungs, choking her._

_Orange light, flickering beneath the door._

_A soft crackling sound, like a campfire._

_Campfire. Fire. Their house was on fire._

_Asuna stood in the middle of a bedroom, staring at a sleeping child just beginning to wake up to a tragedy that would haunt her for the rest of her life._

No, _Asuna wanted to call after the child as she leapt out of bed and ran to the door, throwing it open and peering out into the hallway, where flames were creeping up the walls._ Don't go. You don't want to see that. _But the child didn't stop, like she hadn't stopped, running down the hall to her parents' door and throwing it open_.

_The room was entirely engulfed in flames, and though she couldn't smell it now, she knew it smelled like charcoal and sulfur, the smell of burning skin and hair, overwhelming the smell of the smoke. And the screams… Kami, those screams haunted her. The screams of her parents burning to death._

Run, _she screamed at the child as the roof creaked overhead, but she didn't hear her, and the roof caved in. Pain shot through her skull, and Asuna dropped to her knees with a scream, clutching at the wound that had torn open on the back of her neck._

_Hands, pulling the child from the pile of burning wood, blood red eyes finding her blue, pulling her out-_

_Wake up. Wake up. Wake up!_

A strangled scream tore from Asuna's throat as she woke, sitting bolt upright in bed and clutching the back of her neck. It took her a long moment to remember where she was, to remember she was in the inn and not back in her burning house. The room came into focus, and her gaze found brown eyes, not red - Genma, and not Fugaku Uchiha, Raido and Iwashi standing behind him. _A nightmare_. Just a nightmare.

Genma let out a surprised grunt when she slumped forward against him, arms instinctively wrapping around her, pulling her close. His hand found hers, pulling it away from her neck, and his eyes widened when he saw blood on her fingertips. Shifting her in his hold, he moved her hair to examine her neck, finding four deep, bloody crescents along the line of her scar, where her fingernails had bitten into her skin. Shit, she had actually hurt herself.

"I've got you," he murmured, closing his eyes when she let out a choked sob, her body shaking in his arms. "Remember what I told you that one time? Focus. Breathe. It's okay."

_Focus. Breathe. It's okay_. His words echoed in her mind. It took everything she had to push her senses outward, to lock on Genma's chakra signature in front of her, but then the warmth of it washed over her, a calming light in the midst of the chaos in her mind. _Focus on one thing. Something bright, something happy, a light, anything. Focus on that one thing and force everything else out_. He had taught her that, the first time he found her having a panic attack when they were kids. His chakra had been the first thing she'd latched onto - it was like a small sun, warming everything around it and making her feel like it would all be okay.

As young as Genma had been then, he spoke with wisdom beyond his years... but of course, he'd ruined the illusion five minutes later when he told her it was something Choza-sensei had told him once. But it helped. It made the pain coursing through her body like a wildfire easier to bear; it eased the crushing weight on her chest until she could breathe again. Slowly, her sobs tapered off, and she let herself relax into Genma's hold.

"It's time to tell us what happened today," Raido said once she had finally calmed, ignoring the glare Genma threw in his direction, continuing before the other man could protest. "You were added to our team for this because I trust you and your judgment, but hiding things from me - from us - is not okay, especially when whatever it was has clearly compromised you emotionally." He was right. She knew he was right, but that didn't make it any easier. So she told him the truth - about the man outside the ramen shop and how she thought he might be her brother, her reasons for withholding the information. She was met with stunned silence.

"Asuna..." Genma was the first to react, arms tightening around her. He sounded confused, but also concerned. "Akio is dead, remember?"

"What if he's not?" she asked, her hand clenching around the back of his shirt. "They never found his body, Genma, what if he's been alive this whole time? What if he's been alive this whole time, alone, and I made a terrible mistake when I decided to give up looking? What if-"

"What ifs don't do anyone any good," Raido interrupted, his eyes narrowing. "This was information that we needed to know, Asuna. Your personal feelings have no place in this mission. You're a shinobi, get it together." He turned and left, and after a long, tense moment, Iwashi followed, leaving Asuna and Genma alone.

He didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say, honestly - to her, at least. He knew exactly what he needed to say to Raido. So he released her, getting to his feet and turning toward the door.

Her hand on his arm stopped him in his tracks.

"Stay," she said, so quietly he wasn't sure he'd heard her correctly, her voice breaking on the word. She couldn't meet his eyes, staring instead at her hand, clenched so tight around his wrist her knuckles were white. "Please. I don't want to be alone."

"I..." He hesitated, but just for a moment before finally nodding, lowering himself to sit on the floor beside her again. His eyes widened when she shifted, laying back and resting her head in his lap, but he didn't say anything. He lifted his hand, clenching it and almost lowering it back to his side before sighing and touching her head, tentatively stroking her hair. He didn't seem to know what to do.

"Thank you," Asuna mumbled, allowing her eyes to close at Genma's gentle touch. It was calming, the feeling of his fingers brushing through her hair; it eased the burn of the smoke in her lungs and the heat of the flames licking up the walls around her. With him there, she felt some small semblance of peace. She almost felt whole.

Not that she would ever tell him that.

Honestly, she didn't think she'd ever be able to even begin to tell him how much she appreciated him. Nothing would ever be able to replace all that she had lost, but having him around... it made it easier to breathe, to keep moving forward. He was the one, unwavering constant, steady ground for her to stand on when her own was shaking, always there when she needed him the most. He cared so deeply for her, and it meant everything to her.

In moments like this, when everything was crashing down around her and he was the only thing keeping her together, she found herself wishing that it was enough. That she could let _him_ be enough.

_It would be easy_ , she thought, opening her eyes again to look up at him, his eyes fixed on the wall, looking like his mind was a million miles away. The thought surprised her, but she welcomed the distraction from the world burning to the ground inside her head. _Being with him, it would make sense_. He was everything she knew she needed, everything she knew that she should want, but for the life of her, she just couldn't picture it. Whenever she tried, another thought crept in - one single, haunting thought that followed her like all the rest of her ghosts,  always there in the back of her mind.

But this ghost helped her to completely calm the flames, and finally fall back into a restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting some backstory and a closer look at Asuna & Genma's friendship! I'm honestly so in love with their friendship, it's so fun to write even when stuff gets heavy.  
> So the last bit probably seems like it came out of left field but it was the second thing I wrote for the chapter, my execution in getting there probably leaves a lot to be desired lol


	7. Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter edit: and here I wrote that it was fifteen. Still only eleven. What was I doing when I wrote this lol

Genma was gone when Asuna woke the next morning, the sun shining brightly through the window, chirping birds on the sill. Part of her was relieved to find herself alone, embarrassed by her thoughts from the night before, but it also felt achingly lonely, given the events of last night, her nightmare still fresh in her mind.

Getting to her feet, she gathered her belongings and left the room, pushing her senses out until she found the rest of her team, gathered in their room down the hall. Double checking that she hadn't forgotten anything, she left the room and headed down the hall. She knocked twice to announce herself before letting herself in, shutting the door securely behind her.

"There you are," Raido said, looking up at her, patting the floor beside him. "Come on, we were just talking about you."

"Sounds ominous," she replied, walking across the room and joining them, glancing at Genma, who was watching her, brow furrowed in concern. She offered him a reassuring smile before returning her attention to Raido.

"In light of your... omission, you'll be with me today when we go back through the village," Raido informed her, eyes narrowing when she opened her mouth to protest. "You kept information from us that could have been important. If we had known sooner, perhaps we could have found that man to question him. The mission always comes before your personal feelings, Asuna, I thought you knew that." She stared at him for a second, then averted her gaze, bowing her head to hide her reddening cheeks. He was right, she had messed up. "We meet back here in two hours. If we find something, we'll stay and follow up, if not, we head out for the next village. Questions?" He stood when no one spoke up, everyone else following suit. "All right. Let's go."

Asuna kept her head down as she followed Raido out of the inn, waving half-heartedly to Genma as they all went their separate ways.

Raido was a quiet companion, offering no conversation and only speaking when they stopped to speak to villagers. She could practically feel his disappointment in her radiating off of him.

Suddenly, something hit her arm, and she spun, reaching for her kunai pouch. She relaxed when she saw two children, laughing as they ran after a cat. The boy in front turned to the girl, and it was like she'd been punched in the stomach.

_Akio_. She closed her eyes as her memories transported her back to a street just like this in the Village Hidden in the Leaves. She had been five, her brother seven, chasing their cat Haru up and down the street after he'd slipped out of the house. Haru had not wanted to be caught, shredding Akio's shirt and scratching the hell out of his chest when he'd finally caught the angry old cat, carting him, hissing and scratching, back home.

_No. Don't think about that_. Shaking her head to clear it, Asuna opened her eyes to find Raido watching her, looking as irritated as he did worried. The children were gone now, but the memory lingered, stuck in her mind as she and Raido began to move again. Her brother was dead, he had been for eleven years. Why had his memory chosen now to begin to haunt her? He was everywhere in this small village, and it hurt. Being here _ached_.

Thankfully, the two hours flew by with no leads, and Raido ceased their search. He was just as silent on their way back to the inn, but she could see the urge to ask about before was eating away at him. No matter how irritated he was with how she'd been acting the past two days, he was still her friend, and he was still worried. But he didn't ask, and she didn't offer the information.

They took an hour to regroup at the inn before heading out of the village. Happy as she was to put the small town behind them, Asuna couldn't shake the feeling that something was off about it. No one in the village had heard so much as a whisper about Orochimaru - despite him being a wanted criminal, some didn't even know who he was. Civilian village or not, they should have at least known who he was. It was perturbing, to say the least.

So wrapped up in her own thoughts and memories as she was, Asuna didn't notice they were being followed until it was too late.

Genma was the first to fall prey to the effects of the genjutsu, slumping to the ground. Before Asuna could react, Raido and Iwashi were down, too, and then she felt the cold sting of a knife at her neck.

"We need to talk," a male voice hissed, low and dangerous in her ear. She closed her eyes when the edge of the knife bit into her skin, but didn't flinch, and after a moment, it was gone. When she opened her eyes again, the man from outside the ramen shop was standing in front of her, and her breath caught in her throat.

"Who are you?" she choked out, staring him down even though her heart was racing, fear turning her veins to ice. He didn't answer, frowning as his dark eyes studied her from beneath the fringe of his sandy brown hair. Up close like this, the resemblance was even more noticeable. "Please. I need to know-"

"You need to go home," he interrupted, and her eyes were drawn to his hand, clenching around his kunai. "Turn around. Go back to your village."

"No." Her own eyes narrowed, and she pulled herself up to her full height, squaring her shoulders defiantly as she met his cold, menacing stare. "Not until you tell me what I want to know."

"I did try to warn you." He moved, so quickly she almost couldn't follow him, and she barely jumped back in time to avoid the swing of his kunai, the tip cutting a line through the front of her flak jacket. He was fast, almost impossibly so, his kunai a blur as he came at her. She ducked under his arm as he swung at her, but he was too quick, and she cried out when he grabbed a fistful of her hair, dragging her back. Twisting in his hold, she funneled her chakra into her hand and drove her fist up, into his elbow, the snap of the bones echoing through the trees. He didn't even flinch, bringing his kunai toward her neck again.

The blade tore through her palm when she brought her hand up to block it, stopping it inches from her throat. He seemed surprised by her action, giving her a split second to attack. Funneling her chakra into her hand again, she drove it forward, and all the air rushed out of him as she hit him in the throat, crushing his larynx. He released her, staggering back and dropping to his knees.

"You won't be telling me anything today," Asuna said, pulling the kunai from her hand as she strode forward, stopping in front of him. "But you'll have plenty of time to heal in the Leaf Village prison. Then we'll make you-" He moved like lightning, striking before she could blink, and she hit the ground hard as smoke filled the air.

When it cleared, he was gone.

"Fuck!" she yelled, getting to her feet and looking in all directions, expanding her senses, but she found nothing. It was like he'd vanished into thin air. She knew she needed to attempt a pursuit, but she couldn't leave her teammates vulnerable. Still swearing, she set about waking her team. Iwashi was the closest, so she woke him first, sending him to deal with Genma while she released Raido from the genjutsu. The man sat up, eyes wide as he looked around, until his gaze fell on her.

"What happened?" he asked, blinking groggily. "The others-"

"Genjutsu," Asuna answered, sitting back on her heels, blinking as her vision slid out of focus for a second. "We were followed. This is my fault, I was unfocused and I didn't-" She swayed suddenly, planting her hand on Raido's shoulder to steady herself. She felt woozy, weaker by the second. "What..." Her arm trembled, and Raido caught her as she slumped forward against him.

"What's wrong?" he demanded, and then he noticed the blood. "Asuna, you're hurt."

"Just my hand," she mumbled, blinking as her eyesight began to darken. "I don't... understand..."

Suddenly, everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who is this mysterious man? what did he do to asuna? somehow this feels like it creates more questions than it answers. don't worry though, some will be answered in the next chapter, others will be left to stew... ;)


	8. Collision

The scent of antiseptic burned her nose, a sharp sting in her arm pulling her back to consciousness. It took her a moment to remember what had happened, even longer to realize where she was. She opened her eyes, gaze falling on a group standing by the door. Raido, Iwashi, Genma... and the Hokage. She was back in the village.

Iwashi was the first to notice that Asuna was awake, nudging Genma's arm and pointing in her direction. A wide grin spread across his face when he looked over at her, excusing himself from the conversation and walking over, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, hand warm as he settled it on her calf. She could still see worry, buried beneath his relief.

"Like shit, thanks," she replied, eyes immediately drawn to the Hokage. "Sorry, sir."

"It's quite all right," the Third assured her, giving her a small smile. "I'll leave you to talk." He excused himself from Raido and Iwashi and then left, shutting the door behind him. As soon as he was gone, the others came to her bedside.

"What the hell happened?" she demanded, looking between the three of them. "The wound in my hand was not that serious, I shouldn't have passed out like that."

"There was a wound in your side," Raido answered, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small object wrapped in dark cloth, holding it out to her. "It wasn't deep, but this was inside." She took it, unfolding the cloth to reveal a shard of a broken kunai, a sealing formula burned into the blade. She looked back up at him, confused. "It's a chakra draining seal. As soon as it entered your body it began to drain you of your chakra."

"This is a short range jutsu." Asuna folded the cloth back over the shard, handing it back to Raido. "He had to have been close by."

"Who, though?" Iwashi asked, leaning back against the windowsill and crossing his arms over his chest. "And how was he able to get the drop on us? Keeping an eye out was your job."

"I know. I accept full responsibility for what happened," Asuna responded, twisting the blanket between her fingers. "We learned something important though. The man we were trying to find in the village before we left, he's linked to Orochimaru somehow. Not a lot of people can use that seal. And..." She met Raido's eyes, biting her lip. "He knew me, Raido. He didn't want to attack me, he tried to get me to turn around and go home."

"That doesn't mean anything, Asuna." Raido's eyes narrowed. "He's not your brother. Your brother is dead."

"I know." She looked down again, sighing when Genma squeezed her leg. Not wanting to dwell on it any further, she changed the subject. "Is anyone else back yet?" Despite how cold and distant he'd been since she'd returned home from the Sand, she found herself wanting to see Kakashi. She hoped he was okay.

"Two teams returned an hour before we did," Raido said after a moment. "Izumo's team and the ANBU team." She breathed a sigh of relief, relaxing back against her pillows. Kakashi was home. He was safe.

Raido, Iwashi, and Genma stayed with her a while longer, filling her in on what had happened after she'd passed out, but eventually they had to leave. Genma was the last to leave, giving her a lingering hug, and then she was alone.

She tried to rest, to sit still and recover, but she kept thinking about Kakashi. She was worried. He was back in the village, yes, but was he hurt? She had to know.

She was out of bed and dressed before she could stop herself, but she hesitated at the door. No, she shouldn't go. She should stay in the hospital and rest. But she had barely laid back down when she got up again, heading for the door.

She paced the room for what felt like ages, trying to convince herself to make up her mind. _Stay or go. Pick one_.

The sun was long below the horizon when Asuna finally made a decision, walking over to the door and pulling it open. She knew she shouldn't sneak out of the hospital like this - her wounds were fully healed, like nothing had ever happened, but she still felt tired, stiff and sore. But she made herself put one foot in front of the other, moving silently through the building until she stepped out into the night.

The long walk to Kakashi's house gave her time to think about whether this was really a good idea or not. If she was being honest with herself, it was probably in her best interest to just let him go. He had been a crutch, holding her upright when she'd forgotten how to stand, her only lifeline as they'd both struggled in the darkness. But she had pulled herself out while he was still drowning, and she was scared that he might pull her back down. On the other hand, he had provided a companionship and support that she had needed when everything fell apart, and while they weren't as close as they had once been, he was still important to her. She couldn't just abandon him to the darkness, he meant too much to her.

Yes, things were off between them right now, they had been for a while. Even before she'd left, he'd begun to distance himself, and that one night they'd spent together felt like it had pulled them apart completely. Beneath it all, though, Kakashi was still one of her best friends, whether he wanted to be or not. And as much as she hated to admit it, a part of her needed him. She had always needed him. She probably always would. Devastated and broken by similar childhood trauma, they'd grown together like two gnarled trees, twisting around each other as they'd struggled to survive.

She supposed she had Rin to thank for that. The older girl had been the ignition point, the start of everything. She had been like an older sister to Asuna, her best friend, and it was through her that she'd met Kakashi in the first place. Sometimes, she wished that Rin had never introduced them, but she also honestly didn't think she would have survived without him.

Shaking herself from her thoughts, she hesitated when she saw the fence surrounding Kakashi's house. The house itself was dark, quiet, and it took a moment to convince herself to walk up and knock on the door. She didn't know if she was disappointed or relieved when there was no answer.

Asuna sighed, retreating down the walkway and heading back toward the inner parts of the village. She considered returning to the hospital, but in the end, decided she should just go home. Going back would just be a waste of a bed they could use for someone else.

She couldn't help but wonder where Kakashi could be as she walked to her apartment, hands shoved into her pockets. She was worried about him - she really shouldn't be, he was a highly skilled shinobi, but she couldn't help it. How dark and unstable he seemed, it scared her. He'd always had little regard for his own life, but still, it terrified her that he'd do something stupid and reckless and get himself killed. He hadn't this time, but what about next time? Or the time after that?

She was still thinking about Kakashi when she reached her apartment, so distracted that it took her three tries to get her key in the lock. She was immediately on alert when the door swung open with ease, unlocked. Drawing a kunai, she stepped inside, flipping on the light. She nearly jumped out of her skin when she saw Kakashi sitting on the couch, elbows on his knees and hands clasped, waiting.

"Kami, Kakashi, you scared the hell out of me," she said, shutting and locking the door behind her, putting away her kunai. "Drinking at my place again?"

"No," he answered, his voice clear and steady as he watched her kick off her sandals and shrug out of her torn, bloodstained flak jacket. "I heard you were hurt."

"I'm fine," she replied, walking through the apartment and disappearing into the bedroom. She changed into an old t-shirt and a pair of shorts before walking back out, leaving a good two feet of space between them as she joined him on the couch. Neither of them said anything for a while, until he finally asked what happened.

She told him everything, from the man in the village, her nightmare, the man's attack, even her crazy suspicions that the man might be her brother. He listened to every word, offering no opinions or judgment, and when she finished, they fell back into that silence again. It felt good to open up to him again, to tell him the things she wouldn't be able to tell anyone else, the things he understood better than anyone because he had lived them too. But that silence...

That silence was suffocating.

Irritated, Asuna got to her feet, beginning to pace. Words leapt unbidden to the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't bring herself to say them. So she continued to pace, until finally, after what felt like a lifetime, he stood, too.

"Asuna," he said quietly, and she stopped, eyes meeting his. His stare was blazing, as if he were trying to peer into her very soul, but otherwise empty of any emotion that might give away what was going on in his head.

They both stood like that for a long, agonizing moment, afraid to be the first to break the spell.

He moved first, taking a slow, hesitant step in her direction.

And then they collided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooooohhhh. now we're moving!


	9. The Pull of the Tide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains nsfw material and is not appropriate for anyone under the age of 18.

Kakashi's eyes locked on hers across the room, and a heavy silence filled the air between them. His heart was racing, pounding so hard he thought it might burst from his chest. She stood there, almost heartbreakingly beautiful in just an old t-shirt that nearly hid the shorts she wore beneath, hair a disheveled mess, blue eyes bright and curious as they held his gaze.

He moved first, or maybe she did, he didn't know. All he knew was that he could no longer fight the pull of her gravity - so he let himself succumb. They moved like they were magnetized, pulled together by some inescapable force that threatened to tear him apart at the seams, to shatter him in a way that only she could. Kami, but it felt so good to give into her.

She didn't try to look as he tugged down his mask, eyes already closed as he leaned in to slant his mouth across hers in a rough, demanding kiss. Her lips were as soft as he remembered, confident and sure but still pliable beneath his. It made him think of the last time he'd kissed her, the night before she'd left, where for a few hours, he hadn't been himself and neither had she - they had just _been_.

It couldn't be like that this time, he thought, settling his hands on her hips. She gave no resistance as he spun her around, pushing forward until she was trapped chest-first against the wall, the full length of him pressed to her back. No, this time would be different. Because if he let himself wade into the warm depths of the ocean in her eyes, if he fully gave in to the pull of the tide, he knew without a doubt that he would drown himself in her.

But fuck, he wanted to. He wanted to drown, to fall prey to the waves, to get so lost in her that he could never find his way to the surface again. It frightened him how much he craved her, how she brought out all the parts of him that he had spent so long burying, the things he didn't know how to let himself feel again. The things he _couldn't_ let himself feel again.

Asuna whimpered when Kakashi fisted a hand in her hair, pulling it away from the back of her neck to give him access. His lips were soft on her neck, teeth sharp as they grazed and nipped at her skin, his hands needy and desperate as they tugged at her clothes. So many layers between them, but it was so satisfying to peel them all away, one by one, until there was nothing left but the feel of her skin against his.

She shivered as his fingers trailed along the scar cutting a line across her back, starting on her side and working his way up to her shoulder. He didn't remember her having this scar before, but he didn't ask about it, instead leaning back in to kiss her neck again. She couldn't help but moan as he nipped and sucked at her neck and shoulders, leaving a constellation of small red marks across her skin.

It was a small sound, a simple one, but it carried the power to unravel him completely.

A low growl rumbled deep in the back of Kakashi's throat, and then he pulled her away from the wall. His fingers were tight on her arms as he moved her in the direction of the couch, pushing her forward to kneel on the cushions, and her breath hitched when he bent her over the back of it.

Part of him wanted to stop. To allow himself to do this, to take what Asuna was offering him when he knew that it could never be anything more - it was selfish. But looking at her, her body laid bare before him, trembling with anticipation over what was to come, it was too much. Something he could only describe as instinct took over as he nudged her legs apart, pressing between them when she shifted to accommodate him.

 _Stop me_ , he wanted to say as he touched her, one hand trailing up the inside of her thigh, the other sliding over her hip and up her side to her chest. _Change your mind. Make me leave_. But he couldn't bring himself to say it, and she didn't do it.

"Oh, Kami," she breathed, shuddering when his thumb grazed her nipple before he took it between two fingers, rough and then gentle, pinching and then soothing. He took a long moment to reacquaint himself with the curves and planes of her body, committing them to memory, and finally, _finally_ , he reached between her legs, stroking a single finger through her folds. She couldn't hold back her moan, squirming back against him.

How had it come to this? he wondered as he slid one finger into her, then two, preparing her for him. The attraction was there, there was no denying that. He desired her the way a man lost in the desert desired water, with a need so desperate he felt as though he would die without her. The moment he'd realized that, on that first night they'd shared a bed, it had scared him senseless. He promised himself he would never let himself be that vulnerable with her again.

And so he wouldn't. He withdrew his hand, curling it around his cock and giving it a couple of loose tugs before pressing forward against her entrance. He stilled, steeling his resolve, and then he slid into her with a sharp thrust. She gasped at the sensation, hands clenching on the back of the couch until her knuckles blanched.

Kakashi bit his lip to stifle a groan, fingers clenching into her hips. Fuck, she felt so good, so tight and wet and warm around him. It took every bit of his wavering self-control to move slowly, allowing her time to adjust to him, and he found his mind beginning to drift, always coming back to one singular thought.

Asuna had no clue that she held the power to completely destroy him. When he had heard that she was hurt, terror had flooded his veins, sent his mind spiraling. _What if he lost her?_ She was all he had left, his last solid tie to the person he used to be, to the last shreds of humanity he was barely clinging to. Without her, he was lost. Alone. He had pushed away every single person that had ever given a shit about him, too scared to let them get close. But Asuna... Asuna had refused to let him push her away. She was still refusing. And here they were.

Kakashi pressed into her, hands gripping into her hips as he drew back, closing his eyes as he pushed into her again. He couldn't look at her, couldn't watch what he was doing. _Weak. You're so weak_. It was the only thought that he could manage as he thrust into her, listening to her soft whimpers and low moans as he settled into a quick, hard rhythm.

Shifting, he leaned forward, fingers overlapping hers as he gripped the back of the couch, and she couldn't help but cry out as his teeth sank into her shoulder.

 _Too close_ , he thought, but the warmth of her skin against his was electrifying, almost as heady a sensation as the slick push and pull of his cock in her soft, wet heat.

Asuna couldn't stay still beneath him despite his attempts to hold her down, pushing back against him every time he pulled away. Growling, he pressed forward until the top of the couch was digging into her stomach, holding her in place, clenching his hand on the back of the couch, squeezing down on her fingers. His tongue traced the curved line of indentations his teeth had left in her skin, a poor attempt to soothe the bite, a silent apology of sorts.

Kakashi opened his eyes as he pushed up, distancing himself from the intoxicating feeling and scent of Asuna's skin, trying to quell the tempest in his mind. She began to turn to look at him, and he reacted instantly, hand moving to clutch her hair, forcing her to keep her head forward. If she looked at him now, he was done for.

"Fuck," he hissed through gritted teeth, his thrusts quickening, becoming almost frenzied. She whimpered when he released his hold on her hair, nails raking down her back to clutch her hip. His self-control, already hanging on by the tiniest thread, slipped away completely at the sound. He caught her wrists as she reached back to grasp at his thighs, pulling them behind her back and gathering them in one hand. His other hand clenched into her hip again, fingernails biting deep crescents into her skin.

Each smack and slam of his hips against hers _ached_ , but Kami, it felt so good to feel something he could control, something that consumed him as wholly and easily as feelings of anger or hatred did. If he wasn't careful, though, she might consume him, too.

A moan dragged from Asuna's lips, her hands clenching into fists as he rutted forward against her, the soft noise sending shivers racing down his spine. His hands tightened on her wrists, and it was all he could do to keep from making noises of his own, leaning forward to suck another mark onto her back, muffling his groan against her skin. His hand on her hip moved to clutch at her arm, then the back of the couch again. He could feel the tension building, tightening in the pit of his stomach.

"Kakashi," she gasped out, lifting her head and tipping it back against his shoulder, eyes squeezing closed. "Oh, fuck."

Her voice, the breathless way she gasped his name, was the tipping point. She bit back a cry as he relinquished his hold on her wrists and pushed her down, pulling out just in time to reach his release across her back, leaning forward with a low groan.

He hovered over her for a moment, hands planted on the back of the couch on either side of her, his arms trembling and chest heaving. He needed to go, to get dressed and leave, but he couldn't bring himself to move quite yet. So he stayed there for a moment - too long of a moment, really - his forehead pressed to the back of her neck. She shivered as his heavy breath struck her sweat-soaked skin, but made no move to dislodge him.

He was in a tailspin, spiraling deeper and deeper into her with each passing second - he didn't think he could pull himself out even if he wanted to. She was his own personal hell, a daily reminder of the happiness that was lost to him. It was a special kind of agony, one that ached deep in his chest and filled him with regret. _This was a mistake_.

Finally, he pulled away, glancing at the mess he'd left spattered across the scratches and bruises that marred her lower back for a second before turning around, dressing quickly, cursing his weakness. He should not have come here.

Pulling up his mask, Kakashi spared her one last glance, then headed for the door, pausing long enough to pull on his sandals.

"You don't have to go," Asuna said quietly, and he stopped with his hand on the doorknob, tensing at her words. He had used her, hurt her, left her scratched and bruised, and she was still asking him to stay.

The worst part was, he wanted to. He wanted nothing more than to turn around, to shed his fear and doubt and relinquish all that he was to her. But he knew now that he'd been right to push her away. This had been a stark reminder of just how much she still meant to him, even after everything that had happened, a notion that didn't bode well for either of them. Those he cared about died, it was an undeniable truth.

He didn't want to lose her, so he had to let her go.

It was for her own good, he assured himself, and then he opened the door, regretting his decision the instant it slammed behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here we are at last - the ignition point. i'm sure it seems pretty sudden given how little interaction they've had so far but i have a reason and all will be revealed in time. :)) i'm extremely nervous to post this but i hope you enjoyed!


	10. Aftermath

The slam of the door made Asuna flinch, closing her eyes. Her entire body ached, but it was nothing compared to the frustration she felt, coiled deep in the pit of her stomach like a tightly wound spring. She had been so close, would a couple of extra seconds have killed him?

Groaning, she opened her eyes again and pushed herself off the back of the couch, legs trembling as she planted her feet firmly on the floor. She stretched her arms over her head as she straightened, wincing at the pain searing through her tired, cramped muscles. It hurt, but she forced herself to move, pausing on her way to the bathroom to pick up her clothes before continuing, pushing open the door and flipping on the light.

The sight of herself in the mirror stopped her dead in her tracks. Her eyes widened as she took in the damage - an angry red friction burn across her stomach, dark, handprint shaped bruising around her wrists, on her arms, and her hips, covered in deep, crescent-shaped cuts oozing blood, and scattered hickeys and bite marks down her neck and across her shoulders. When she turned, looking over her shoulder, she saw even more marks across her back, accompanied by long, deep red scratches. She was a mess.

"Fuck," she breathed, looking forward again, taking a deep, shaky breath. She knew she should be pissed, and a part of her was. But she couldn't help but feel a little tingly at the sight of them, a memory of the night that she'd be able to hold onto until it all healed.

Sighing, she walked over to the shower, turning on the water as hot as she could stand it before stepping under the spray. It stung her skin, but she endured it, letting it soak away the sweat and the cum she could feel dried on her back.

Asuna hadn't expected tonight to turn out the way it had. Kakashi was adamant about keeping her at arm’s length, so to find him waiting for her had been a surprise in and of itself. Even more surprising had been his complete loss of control. He was a rock, stone-faced and emotionless in any given situation - she had never seen him lose control the way he had tonight. There had been a desperate edge to every kiss, a sense of urgency and aching need in every touch. He had let himself go in a way he hadn't the first time, and it kind of scared her.

She'd be lying to herself if she said part of that fear didn't stem from being afraid of Kakashi. She didn't think he'd ever purposefully hurt her, but then again, she didn't really know him anymore. She had no idea what Kakashi was capable of, tonight had proven that much.

Lost in her thoughts, Asuna stood beneath the water until long after it had run cold, shivering at the change in temperature but making no move to get out of the shower. The cold water felt good on her battered skin, so she stayed a while longer, until finally, she convinced herself to turn the water off and get out.

She avoided looking at herself in the mirror this time as she toweled off, wrapping the towel around her hair and dressing. She flipped the light off with a sigh, padding through the dark and into her room.

"Fuck," she muttered under her breath when she bumped into the bedside table, reaching for the lamp and turning it on when she heard something hit the floor. She didn't see whatever it was, so she knelt down, peering beneath the bed. Her hitai-ate sat there, just under the edge of the bed, but her eyes were drawn to something a little further behind it. Curious, she reached out and grabbed it, pulling it out.

She stared down at the long-sleeved black shirt in confusion - it wasn't hers. It wasn't dusty, either - it hadn't been there long. She stared at it for a second, then lifted it to her nose, inhaling deeply. It smelled achingly familiar, the scent of rich earth, something green and a little sweet.

Kakashi. It smelled like Kakashi.

Forgetting all about her hitai-ate, Asuna stood, setting the shirt down and pulling her own off, tossing it aside and replacing it with Kakashi's. It was a little big on her, the sleeves hanging well past her hands, but it was warm, and she smiled as his scent surrounded her.

As she climbed into bed, she couldn't help but wonder how it had gotten there. As far as she knew, she and Mina were the only ones who had been in her apartment in over four years. Thinking about it though, tonight had been the second time she'd found Kakashi in her living room without her being here. He knew about her spare key, even though she'd never told him about it. And now she'd found his shirt, hidden away beneath her bed. Had he been in her apartment while she was gone? Knowing how much he disliked being alone in his own house, and given that she'd once told him he was always welcome here, it honestly wouldn't surprise her, though him staying at her place while she was out of the village definitely hadn't been what she had meant.

Sighing, she nestled into her bed, pulling up the blankets and nuzzling her nose into the collar of Kakashi's shirt. She was far from tired, though, and soon found her mind wandering, drawn back to Kakashi no matter how hard she tried to distance him from her thoughts.

Tonight had reaffirmed two things for her. One, despite how long they'd been apart, despite how they'd left things, and despite how he was treating her now, she felt as strongly for Kakashi as she had before she'd left. That much didn't surprise her - she had figured those feelings were still there when she'd found herself thinking about him the desert, bleeding out in the sand and uttering her last words to a hallucination, hoping the wind would carry them to wherever he was.

Two, there was a part of Kakashi that still cared about her, too. Whether he was aware of it or not, the fact that he kept finding his way to her meant something, and the thought filled her with both overwhelming joy and a deep, aching sadness. Joy, because maybe, just maybe, it could be a step in the right direction, but sadness because she knew he wouldn't let it be.

Knowing these things couldn't overcome the fear she felt, though. She had been the one to ask him to stay, but she couldn't deny that she had been relieved when he'd walked out. There was still an edge to him that screamed danger, that set warning bells off in her head the instant she saw him. If she was afraid, whatever feelings she had for him didn't matter. They couldn't matter.

_It can't happen again._ It was that thought that finally carried her off to a restless sleep.

\---

_Dry lightning cracked across the dark sky, filling Asuna's room with a blinding white light. Between the storm and her nerves about the mission she was leaving for tomorrow, she was finding it impossible to sleep, and she was almost relieved to hear a soft knock on the door. She got up, padding silently through her dark apartment to the front door. She knew it was Kakashi on the other side before she even opened it, smiling at the ANBU operative. He didn't return the gesture, walking past her into the living room when she stepped aside to let him in._

_"You couldn't sleep either, hm?" she asked, shutting the door and relocking it behind him. He was agitated, she could tell by the way he dropped his boots on the floor as he pulled them off, the way he walked over to the couch before pacing back to the door. "Kakashi, what's wrong?"_

_"Why you?" he finally answered, stopping his pacing and turning to look at her. There was something wild in his visible eye as he stared at her. "For this mission, why does it have to be you?"_

_"Should I be offended by that?" Asuna leaned back against the door, crossing her arms over her chest. "I don't know why, the Hokage made the decision. What's your problem, Kakashi?"_

_"I..." Another flash of lightning illuminated the room, and she could see worry in his eye now, a hint of fear. It all made sense now._

_"It'll be fine," she assured him, pushing off the door and walking over to him. He tensed when she touched his arms, but didn't draw away. "I'll be fine, Kakashi, I promise."_

_"Don't make a promise you can't keep," he mumbled, avoiding her gaze. "If you're caught, they will kill you."_

_"So I won't get caught." A loud clap of thunder seemed to shake the whole room just then, and she stepped forward without thinking, pressing against him. His breath caught in his throat at the sudden closeness, but neither made a move to step away._

_They stayed like that, perfectly still, for what felt like a lifetime, until finally, his one visible eye, dark and unreadable, met hers._

_"Don't die," he murmured, and his voice, surprisingly soft, lost its usual indifferent tone. He sounded afraid. "I can't lose anyone else."_

_"I won't." She smiled, but the gesture was tense, forced. She was as afraid as he was. They both knew her words were a false comfort - it was a very real possibility she wouldn't come back alive. After a moment, her smile fell, her pulse beginning to race when he reached up to touch the top of his mask. "Kakashi..."_

_"Close your eyes," he said quietly. Her eyes widened for a brief second, and then she nodded, obeying his request. She heard a slight shuffle of cloth as he pulled down his mask, another loud clap of thunder shaking the walls._

_And then..._

A harsh, rapid knocking tore Asuna from her dream, followed by a muffled voice. Blinking groggily, she sat up, and it took her a minute to realize it was morning, that there was someone yelling outside her door.

"Go away," she groaned, even though they couldn't hear her, laying back and pulling the pillow over her head. The knocking only intensified, the yelling getting louder. She expanded her senses, finding Genma and Raido's chakra outside. For a moment, she thought he might have a death wish, until she remembered that she had snuck out of the hospital without telling anyone. That was probably the reason for his early morning assault on her front door. But still, she couldn't convince herself to get out of bed, no matter how long the knocking continued.

Finally, it ceased, and she felt their chakra signatures move away from the door. She removed the pillow from her face and put it back under her head, closing her eyes and trying to go back to sleep, back to her dream, the memory of that first night with Kakashi.

It was too late, though, she was fully awake now and there was nothing she could do about it.

She opened her eyes again to stare up at the ceiling, cursing Genma and his loud mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whaaat you get more info about her time in the sand AND a taste of her first time with kakashi? :)) hope you enjoyed!


	11. Rin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of suicidal thoughts and self-harm.

Three days. Asuna hadn't seen Kakashi in three long, exhausting days, three days that she had spent consumed by worry and doubt, thoughts of that night. Working with the Barrier Team for the past couple of days had helped clear her head, even if only for a little while, but the thought of him always managed to creep back in. Today, though... Today a different thought consumed her.

How had it been eleven years already? Of course, that was a question she found herself asking every year, usually as she stood at the counter inside the Yamanaka flower shop while a brunette woman prepared her usual bouquet of calla lilies.

"I haven't seen you in a few years," the woman called to her as she worked on her order, turning her head to look at her. For the life of her, Asuna could not remember her name. "Were you away on a mission?"

"Something like that," Asuna replied, leaning on the counter while she waited, glancing around. "You have a daughter, don't you? How's she doing?"

"Ino? She's doing well," the older woman answered, smiling over her shoulder for a second before returning to her work. "She's at school right now. Bright young girl - a little too focused on boys, if you ask her father, but she's near the top of her class."

"That's good." Asuna couldn't help but smile. Ino had been a small child the last time she'd been here, three, maybe, full of energy as she ran around the shop. "She's what, seven now? Getting close to graduation?"

"Oh, no, definitely not." She walked over, handing her the neatly arranged bouquet. "We're going to wait until she's older. We don't want her ending up like-" She stopped, paling when she saw the look on Asuna's face - irritation, undercut by sadness. "Oh, goodness. I'm so sorry, dear, I didn't mean-"

"It's all right," Asuna interrupted, paying for the flowers and picking them up, forcing a smile. "Thank you. Have a good day." She turned and left before the woman could say anything else, clutching the bouquet just a little too tight as she walked to the cemetery.

Asuna understood what she had meant. The older woman knew why Asuna visited every year, who the flowers were for. Asuna understood her worry. The time of child soldiers was far from over, but with the peace, turbulent as it was, there was no need for children to graduate as early as she and her classmates had. Too many of her classmates had died too young; she couldn't blame her for not wanting Ino to end up like so many others had.

Asuna paused outside the gates to the cemetery, staring up at the Leaf symbol painted in red on the arch. She had spent too much of her young life staring up at that symbol, too much time at funerals for her friends and relatives. Sighing, she looked forward again, forcing herself to walk into the cemetery.

There was someone else here, standing in front of the grave she meant to visit. Even at this distance, she recognized him by that pale shock of silver hair - she should have known that Kakashi would come here today. She stopped a few feet behind him, biting her lip. She didn't know if she should approach or not. She was about to turn to leave when he spoke.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, and for a moment, Asuna thought he had noticed her, but he didn't turn, didn't move, he gave absolutely no indication that he knew she was there, which was surprising. Normally he would have sensed her coming a mile off. She could understand is distraction, though, today of all days. "I keep breaking my promise. But I... I don't know if I can keep it, Rin." Asuna closed her eyes at the mention of her friend's name, hands beginning to tremble.

Today had always been a difficult day, for the both of them, but it always hit Kakashi the hardest. He had been the cause of Rin's death, after all, and she knew her pain couldn't even begin to compare to what he must be feeling. The guilt of killing a comrade, having to listen to people call him friend-killer Kakashi... It weighed on him every day, as heavily as it had the day he'd walked into the Nohara's house alongside Minato-sensei and told Rin's mother that her daughter was gone.

Asuna still remembered that day like it was yesterday.

_Giggling, Asuna wiped the frosting her brother had just slapped on her cheek away, licking her fingers. They were helping their mother prepare a cake for their father's birthday, a beautiful lemon sponge with vanilla buttercream frosting. She didn't like lemons, never had, but her father loved lemon cake, so Asuna had convinced Akio to talk to their mother with her and suggest making the cake._

_They were frosting it when she looked up and saw Kakashi and Minato-sensei through the window, standing across the street in front of Rin's house. A huge smile crossed her face when she saw them - if they were back, that meant they'd found Rin, that she was home._

_Then the door opened, and all the air rushed out of her when she saw the look on Rin's mother's face. Every last shred of hope she had carried with her, the hope that had lit her face like a bright candle, disappeared. She covered her mouth with her hands, then sank to her knees, shaking as Minato-sensei knelt in front of her and placed a hand on her shoulder. Asuna couldn't hear what they were saying, but she could see the older woman's tears._

_There was only one thing that could have made her react like that._

_"Asuna?" Akio asked, looking at her with worry in his warm eyes when the knife she was holding fell from her hands, sending a spatter of frosting across her feet. "Asuna, what is it?"_

_"I need to..." She moved without thinking, rushing to the front door and throwing it open, just as the door across the street shut._

_"Asuna, dear, what's wrong?" Maaya stepped up behind her, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Come back inside."_

_"Yes, mother." Asuna stared across the street a second longer, then followed her mother back inside._

_\--_

_The day of the funeral dawned grey and gloomy, the sky full of dark, heavy clouds. Asuna hadn't seen Kakashi or Minato-sensei since that day outside Rin's house, but rumors were everywhere, rumors that it was Kakashi's fault. The rumors shocked her - how could Kakashi be responsible? She had tried to find him, wanting to ask, but when she'd gone to his house, he hadn't answered the door._

_It wasn't until after the funeral, when the clouds finally broke and people were beginning to leave the cemetery that she finally saw him. He was standing alone beneath a tree near the edge of the cemetery, avoiding the stares of everyone that walked by him. Some people were whispering as they looked at him, and she saw him tense. Mumbling an excuse to her parents, Asuna broke away and walked over to him, reaching out and taking his hand._

_"Come on," she whispered, drawing him away from the tree. "Let's get out of here." He gave no resistance as she led him away from the cemetery, trying to shield him from the whispers and stares as best she could._

_He could tell she wasn't walking him home, but he didn't ask where they were going. He didn't say a word, and neither did she, until they were standing on the cliff atop the Hokage Rock, staring out over the village through the thick curtains of rain._

_"Why did we come here?" he asked quietly, and she didn't miss the way his voice trembled on the words._

_"I figured you didn't want to go home just yet," she answered, just as quietly. She was still holding onto his hand. "No one will bother us up here. Come on." She led him to the edge, sitting down with her feet dangling over the side. He hesitated for a moment, then sat beside her._

_The rain was cold, but neither of them paid it any mind. It was truly peaceful here, away from the rumors swirling through the village, just the two of them alone on the top of the cliff. She wanted to hug him, to offer some words of comfort, but she didn't know what to say._

_That was the first and only time Asuna saw Kakashi cry._

The sound of someone clearing their throat snapped Asuna back to the present. Kakashi was standing in front of her, hands shoved in his pockets and that familiar blank expression on his face.

"Asuna." His voice was flat, emotionless, but there was a hint of discomfort in his visible eye. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Not long," she mumbled, shifting her weight from foot to foot as she looked up at him, nibbling on her lower lip again. He made no move to hide how his eyes were drawn to the nervous gesture. "Kakashi, can we..."

"I have to go," he said abruptly, brushing past her. She reached out without thinking, catching his arm, and he froze, glancing down at her hand curled around his wrist. "Asuna." His tone held an edge of warning that made her tremble.

"Can I come over tonight?" She hadn't meant to ask that, at least not in the way he probably assumed she meant it. But she had asked before she could stop herself, and now the question hung heavy and loaded in the air between them. She kept her eyes fixed straight ahead, unable to look at him, and when he didn't respond, she sighed. "I don't want to be alone, and I don't think you should be, either." She turned her head to look at him finally, meeting his eye.

He held her gaze for a long, tense moment, then gave her a curt nod. He looked tired, dark circles under his eyes - was he sleeping? He didn't give her a chance to ask, tugging his arm from her hold and leaving. She let him go and watched him walk away, pain burning in her chest like a raging fire, then turned and walked to Rin's grave, kneeling down to place the flowers atop the headstone. She paused, letting her fingers trace across Rin's name, carved into the stone.

"I'm sorry it's been so long," she murmured, shifting so she was sitting in front of the stone, hand resting flat on top of it. She closed her eyes against the tears that were beginning to burn in them. "I miss you so much. I don't..." She paused, clenching her hands into fists and trying to steady the tremble in her voice. "I don't know what to do anymore, Rin. I told you I'd take care of him, and I'm trying, but I... I don't know how to help him." She opened her eyes again, still trying to fight back the tears. _A shinobi must never show their tears_. "I wish you were here. You'd know what to do. You always knew what to do."

It was useless. She couldn't keep her tears at bay any longer.

So she let them fall.

\---

Kakashi paced his living room, head spinning. Rin was a constant thought in the back of his mind, but the past few days, she had been front and center, the memory of her face from that night burned into his brain, the fear and sadness in her eyes as she'd stepped in front of him...

_No_. He forced himself to stop pacing, walking into the bathroom and turning on the cold water, splashing it on his face. _I can't look at you. Go away._ But even when he closed his eyes, he saw her, eyes wide and blood streaking down her chin, her shuddering breaths and the way she choked out his name echoing in his ears. He opened his eyes and lifted his head. He saw Rin's mother reflected in the mirror, crying on the floor, screaming at him to get out. _No. Stop_. Asuna, staring at him wide-eyed and confused when he told her the truth of what happened, the fear in her eyes when she looked at him now. _Stop_. Rin again, eyes wide and lifeless as they stared at him.

"Why did I have to die, Kakashi?" she asked, voice distorted, cold. Dead. "Why did you kill me?"

Other voices, just as loud in his head.

_"Friend-Killer Kakashi-"_

_"Get out!"_

_"...your fault-"_

_"I don't understand-"_

"Stop!" The mirror exploded into shards around him as his fist slammed into it, cracking and distorting his reflection. Pain shot through his knuckles, but it was nothing compared to the pain in his chest, in his mind. He sank to his knees, hands clenching on the edge of the sink until his knuckles turned white, squeezing his eyes shut, but he couldn't escape it.

_"You promised me."_ Obito's voice, angry and cold, full of hate. _"Why did you do it? You promised."_

"I'm sorry," he gasped out, chest constricting. It felt like he was being crushed. His heart was racing, each breath more difficult to draw than the last. It hurt. Oh, fuck, it hurt. "I'm sorry."

_That's not good enough._ His own voice now, louder than all the others. _It should have been you._

"I know." Kakashi's voice shook, hands trembling against the edge of the sink. Tears burned in his eyes, threatening to spill over. "I know. I wish it was."

_It still could be. It would be easy, you know. You could do it. Just pick up one of the shards of the mirror._

"Shut up." His hand moved anyway, feeling around the counter until he felt the sharp edges of one of the broken pieces of the mirror. He picked it up, feeling the glass dig into his palm, but he tightened his fist around it anyway, letting the edges bite into his skin, blood welling between his fingers.

_"It's easy, son."_ His father's voice. He turned his head to see his father kneeling beside him, reaching up and lifting his hand from the counter, still clutched around the shard of the mirror. Sakumo pried his fingers open, exposing the deep cuts across his palm and fingers. _"As easy as this was. It's okay."_

_You know you've thought about it_. His voice, his subconscious - or just his consciousness, he didn't even know anymore - piped up again, and his other hand tightened on the edge of the sink. _Everyone around you dies. If you're gone, you can't kill anyone else._

"No," Kakashi mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut again and shaking his head, trying to clear the voices from his mind. It wasn't real. _It's not real_. "Stop."

_"You promised you'd keep her safe."_

_"Why did you kill me, Kakashi?"_

_"It's okay, son, I'll be here the whole time."_

"Go away." His knuckles ached as he released the edge of the sink, clutching at the side of his head, fingers catching in his hair, tugging at it. Anything to try and bring himself back to reality. "This isn't real. Go away."

_"You promised."_

_"Why?"_

_"It's okay, son."_

Their words echoed in his head, mingling together, overlapping, all urging him on. His hand tightened on the piece of the mirror again. He turned, sitting on the floor and leaning back against the cabinet. _It's okay._

Then he heard a different voice, soft and hesitant, but somehow more overwhelming than the rest of them together. Words that he had ignored then, but clung to now, a warm glimmer of hope in the darkness of his mind.

_"You don't have to go."_

"Asuna," he gasped out, eyes snapping open. She was standing in the bathroom doorway, worry in her bright blue eyes as she stepped into the room, kneeling in front of him. Her hands were soft as they took his, gently prying his fingers open and taking the piece of the mirror from his hand.

"I'm here, Kakashi," she murmured softly, reaching up and picking up a cloth from the countertop, shaking it out to rid it of shards of glass before pressing it into his hand.

As Kakashi watched her tend to his wound through half-lidded eyes, he was suddenly struck by just how warm and bright she was. It was like the storm clouds were finally beginning to part, allowing a hint of the sun to shine through, filling his soul with a brief, but blinding, burst of light.

He knew it wasn't real. He knew that she was just another hallucination brought on by too many days without sleep, but in this moment, as she sat beside him and gently tugged him down to rest his head on her lap, she was exactly what he needed.

"Close your eyes," she whispered, gently stroking his hair. "It's okay, Kakashi. I'm here, you can sleep."

Through the thick haze beginning to settle in his mind, he could hear a sound, like knocking. Someone was knocking on his door. _Asuna_. He had forgotten she was coming over.

It didn't matter.

He closed his eyes and finally let himself surrender to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so! Heavy chapter, lots of information. I have a lot of comments I want to make about some of the decisions I made regarding this chapter but I don't really know where to begin.
> 
> Mostly, I just hope it comes across that I'm trying to show Kakashi's journey without having it rely solely on Asuna. She's supposed to be helping, yes, but the overall goal is to show Kakashi learning to let people in and stand on his own again.
> 
> As always, constructive criticism is encouraged, and I hope you enjoyed the chapter.


	12. Close

Asuna stood outside Kakashi's door, knuckles resting on the wood. She'd been knocking for several minutes now, and Kakashi still hadn't answered. It didn't make sense. He knew she was coming, he had agreed to her coming, so where was he?

Expanding her senses, she found his chakra inside, but something felt off about it. Worry suddenly flooded through her - something was wrong.

"Kakashi?" she called, knocking on the door again, louder, more urgently. "Kakashi, open up." Nothing. "Kakashi!" She tried the handle, and the door swung inward. She kept a hand near her kunai pouch as she moved into the house, all her senses on high alert as she followed his chakra signature.

She stopped in the bathroom doorway, and fear turned her veins to ice. There was blood smeared across the broken mirror and pooled on the countertop, spilling over the edge and streaking down the front of the cabinet. Shards of the mirror were scattered across the counter and floor, and in the midst of it lay Kakashi, sprawled on his side on the floor with a puddle of blood spreading around his hand, loosely clutching a small towel she was sure had once been white, but was now stained crimson.

"Kakashi!" She dropped to her knees beside the silver-haired shinobi, grabbing his shoulder and hauling him upright. Nothing, not even a twitch. "Hey!" Her hands were trembling as one clutched the side of his head, holding it up, the other feeling for a pulse. Tears burned in her eyes when she found it, spilling over before she could stop them, and she let out a trembling breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. "Oh, thank Kami."

She took a moment to collect herself, then carefully shifted Kakashi so he was leaning on the wall by the door, head resting against the cabinet. Her hands were shaking as she took his, lifting it and pulling away the cloth. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw the deep cuts across his hand - she couldn't say she was relieved, but it definitely preferable to what she had thought she'd find.

She wished now that she'd put a little more focus into her mother's attempts to teach her medical ninjutsu. Even just a basic healing would be more helpful than tearing a strip off her shirt and tying it around his hand, but it was all she could do. He flinched a little at the pressure, and his eyes cracked open, but only slightly.

"Asuna," he mumbled, so soft she barely heard him.

"I'm here," she replied, reaching up to stroke his hair, damp with sweat, back from his forehead. "It's okay. I'm going to take you to the hospital."

"No, no hospital," he protested, but he didn't resist when she turned her back to him, pulling his arm across her shoulders and wrapping hers around his waist as she got to her feet. He was heavy, almost like dead weight in her arms, but she pushed through it, carrying him through the house and out the front door.

She was glad for the cover of night as she half-carried, half-dragged him through the dark streets. No one was around to see the state Kakashi was in, barely awake with his head pressed to the side of hers, unable to keep his feet beneath him. Somehow, he felt heavier with each step.

It was a relief to finally reach the hospital, to see the medic-nin behind the desk jump up and find a stretcher, to lower him onto it and shake out her tired arms.

She followed them as they rushed him off to be examined, but they wouldn't let her in the room. So she waited, pacing anxiously outside the closed door. It was probably only minutes, but it felt like hours before the door opened again, the medical ninja walking out. While one headed for the stairs, the other paused to talk to her.

"He's resting," the medical ninja told her quietly, closing the door behind him. "He's extremely sleep-deprived and dehydrated; it's a good thing you brought him in."

"But he's okay?" she asked, wringing her hands nervously, letting out a sigh of relief when the medic-nin nodded. "Oh, thank Kami. Thank you. Can I... Can I go in?" She wasn't even sure if she should, but she had to see for herself that he was all right.

"Yes, of course," the medic-nin answered, stepping out of her way. "Try to be quiet, though, he needs to sleep."

"Thank you so much." Asuna stepped past him and quietly opened the door, slipping into the dark room. She shut the door and walked across the room to where Kakashi lay, fast asleep and looking more peaceful than she'd ever seen him, dimly illuminated by the pale moonlight coming in through the window.

Worry clouded her vision as she stared down at him, eyes drawn to the bandages wrapped around his hand. It had scared the life out of her, finding him like that, and even knowing he was going to be okay couldn't ease the fear. She had always thought that Kakashi would fight to die in battle - she had never imagined he might hurt himself.

Sighing, Asuna took a step back and sank down onto the empty bed, clasping her hands on her lap.

"Oh, Kakashi," she murmured, eyes drawn up to his face, still covered by his mask even in sleep. "I was right there, why didn't you just talk to me?" No response but a soft grunt as he shifted, folding his arm over his chest and turning his head away from her.

She watched him a while longer, almost afraid to look away, like if she did he might disappear. Eventually though, she had to lay down. She felt so tired, but no matter how hard she tried, she could't sleep.

Asuna tossed and turned through the night, but she must have dozed off at some point because when she opened her eyes, it was to the curtain pulled and the sound of voices. She couldn't help but eavesdrop - one voice was Kakashi's, low and petulant, and the other the Hokage's, calm as ever.

"It's not a request, Kakashi," Hiruzen said, voice taking on a commanding tone. "I can't have one of my ANBU unit dropping dead because he doesn't sleep. I am ordering you to rest for at least a week before I'll allow you to return to active duty."

"Lord Third, with all due respect-"

"That's my final word on the matter. Asuna will ensure that you follow your orders, won't you Asuna?" She had no idea how the Hokage knew that she was awake and listening, but she couldn't say she was surprised.

"Of course, Lord Third," Asuna answered, sitting up and drawing the curtain, just in time to catch the full brunt of Kakashi's glare. "He's in good hands with me, sir, I'll knock him out myself if I have to."

"I do hope it doesn't come to that." Hiruzen smiled at her, then bid them both farewell and left. The instant the door shut behind him, Kakashi pulled out his IV and got to his feet. Before he could touch the door handle, though, Asuna moved, blocking his path.

"You heard the Hokage," she said, gesturing to the bed. "Lay back down."

"What are you, my mother?" he grumbled, but did as ordered, glaring at her the entire time.

"No, if I were your mother you'd be getting an earful right now," Asuna replied, returning his glare as she sat back down. "Count yourself lucky." He didn't say anything, just let out an angry huff and rolled so his back was to her.

Asuna stared at him for a long moment - as angry as she was, she was also worried. She wanted to ask... no, _demand_ that he talk to her, to let out whatever it was he was bottling up that had driven him to endanger his physical and mental health, but she knew it wasn't her place. If he wanted to talk, he would do it when he was ready, and not a second sooner.

Sighing, she settled in for what was sure to be a long, exhausting week.

\---

Kakashi was bored. Completely, utterly bored. Having time off was one thing, but an entire week of Hokage-mandated rest might actually kill him.

Asuna stopping by at least once a day made it a little easier to bear, but he couldn't stand the way she looked at him, the worry and fear - for him, rather than of him, for once - hidden behind a carefully presented smile and even more carefully selected words. But as irritating as he found her hovering, he couldn't help but be grateful that she did it. Despite all the hell he put her through, she still cared enough to keep coming around, though if he was being honest, it terrified him. _She_ terrified him.

A sharp knock on the door drew him from his thoughts before he could fall deeper into them, and he sighed, glad for the distraction. He got to his feet, walking across the room and opening the door to find Asuna on the other side, a smile spreading across her face when she saw him.

"What are you doing here?" Kakashi asked, raising a brow but stepping back to let her inside, glancing at the bag of takeout in her hand. "With food, no less."

"Do you have to ask me that every time?" Asuna answered, grinning over her shoulder at him as she walked to the kitchen, setting the bag on the counter. "What's it look like I'm doing, genius? I'm bringing you dinner."

"Dinner," he echoed, returning to where he'd been sitting on the couch before she'd knocked on his door.

"Yes," Asuna responded, turning and crossing her arms over her chest. "A meal typically eaten in the evening hours, often in the company of others. Ringing any bells?"

"I know what dinner is," he scoffed, fighting back the urge to roll his eyes. "I just don't understand why you're bringing it to me. I can cook, you know."

"Really? Maybe I should have left the takeout at home then, you could have cooked for us instead." She grinned at him again when he did roll his eyes, turning her back to him once more. Watching her pull containers out of the bag, he couldn't help but feel a rush of... he wouldn't call it affection, but it was something, a sharp contrast to his usual state of irritation and indifference.

"I hope Miso pork is okay," she called over her shoulder before turning around, walking over to the couch and holding out one of the containers to him, frowning when he didn't take it. "Kami, Kakashi, you're acting like I did this just to get a peek under the mask. I'm trying to be nice, take the damn food."

"You really didn't have to do this," he said, taking the container from her hand, shifting over on the couch to make room when she sat down beside him.

"Stop whining and let me take care of you," Asuna chided, nudging his knee with hers. "Eat."

"You don't have to take care of me, I'm not an invalid," he grumbled, but pulled apart his chopsticks and opened the container as ordered. He couldn't tell her, he wouldn't even know where to begin, but he appreciated all that she'd done for him this week. He was, admittedly, not the best at remembering to take care of himself, and while he knew she was doing this for herself as much as she was doing it for him, it meant a lot to him that she'd been taking the time to come over every day and check on him.

They ate in silence, but surprisingly, it wasn't awkward. It felt comfortable, natural even, the way being around each other used to be. It was a little strange, how she turned her back to him when he reached for his mask, but he appreciated her respect for his decision not to show her all of him. Maybe someday he would, if he didn't completely fuck this all up or get her killed, first.

Sighing contentedly, he set his empty takeout container and chopsticks aside, pulling his mask back up to hide his face once more.

"Thank you." The words felt foreign on his tongue, and when she turned, setting her own container aside, she looked surprised. He suddenly felt uncomfortable under her gaze. "For..." He honestly wasn't sure what he was thanking her for. For being here, perhaps. For putting up with him, for treating him with patience and kindness even when he didn't deserve it - especially when he didn't deserve it. For caring about him when he didn't know how to let her... But he didn't know how to tell her all of that, he didn't know if he could. "For everything." He paused, sighing and looking down when she didn't say anything. "You don't have to keep coming by, you know. I've been sleeping, I'm doing better."

"I know, but I want to." He looked up again at her words, finding her smiling at him, and how she could still look at him like that after all that he had done left him dazed.

It was strange, the effect she had on him. He was noticing it more and more lately, how whenever she was around, she had a way of making him feel like everything might be okay. He wasn't sure how, or when, but that comfort she offered had become an addiction, a fix he craved when she wasn't around, something that both destroyed him and made him feel alive in a way that nothing else could.

"Close your eyes," he said quietly, before he could stop himself. She gave him a confused look, but did as he asked. Before he could chicken out, before he could convince himself that this was a bad idea, he leaned in and tugged down his mask, lips meeting hers in a soft, tentative kiss.

Then everything erupted.

Kakashi deepened the kiss. Asuna pulled off his shirt. She wrapped her legs around him and he picked her up, and before he really knew what he was doing, she was pressed beneath him on the mattress. Her hands were everywhere - in his hair, stroking down his neck, across and over his shoulders, and the feeling was intoxicating, but it was too much. Too close.

He broke the kiss with a soft gasp, pulling away and sitting on the foot of the bed with his back to her, leaning forward so his elbows rested on his knees. He covered his mouth with shaking hands, staring at the wall. What was he thinking? All he would do was hurt her again.

"Kakashi," she said quietly. The mattress shifted, and he tensed when he felt her hands on his shoulders, felt her press a soft kiss to his neck. "What's the matter?"

"Why are you here?" he asked. The question came out harsher than intended, but she didn't move away, instead pressing another kiss to his skin. "Why do you care so much?"

"If you have to ask that, you're not ready to hear the answer," she replied, leaning over his shoulder, one hand gently cupping his cheek and turning his head to meet her in a soft kiss. It was over as quickly as it had begun, and she kept her eyes closed when she drew back, touching her forehead to his. _Too close_. "Do you want me to leave?"

_Yes_ , he wanted to say, but the word that came out of his mouth sounded oddly like no.

So he turned, pressed her back to the mattress, and kissed her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmm. i'm not 100% sure if the hokage would actually order someone to take a week of rest but considering the circumstances it felt right.


	13. The Calm

It surprised Asuna how easy it was to find a rhythm, to fall into a pattern of habits that both terrified her and made her feel like she was walking on air. Kakashi was finding his way to her bed more frequently lately, and she to his, nearly every night that they were both in the village at the same time. The past two months had been a haze of exhausting training and missions, and even more exhausting sex. She woke up sore and stiff most mornings, covered in scratches and scattered hickeys, pelvis aching and tender, but she was getting used to the pain, the rough way in which Kakashi took her again and again until they were both trembling.

But still, it worried her how much she'd come to look forward to his visits. Despite how things were now, his darkness still followed him like a shadow, hiding just below the surface but entirely evident in the way he clutched at her, the hungry way he nipped and sucked at her skin. It felt good in the moment, but afterward, looking at herself in the mirror, she couldn't help but feel as though it was less of a heat of the moment decision and more like Kakashi marking territory.

She also noticed that how liberal he was in his marking of her skin seemed to directly correlate to how much time she spent with Genma. On the nights after she came back from missions with Genma's team, or even just nights after he saw her sitting in the dango shop with him and the rest of her friends, he paid a lot more attention to her neck, and the hickeys were getting harder and harder to hide. So far no one had noticed, but she didn't know how much longer she could take waking up early to carefully cover all the marks before getting ready for the day.

_Kami, this whole thing is a mess_ , she thought, sighing and staring up at the ceiling. Those damn birds were at it outside her window again, and as much as she wanted to get up, shoo them off, then go back to bed, she knew she needed to get up. Today was her day off, a respite from the near back-to-back missions she'd been on lately, and she had been able to sleep in some, but she had promised Genma she'd spend the afternoon with him, and he would likely be stopping by soon.

It took her a while longer to convince herself to get out of bed and head into the bathroom to shower. She was moving slowly this morning, and she was still standing under the water when she heard a knock on the door. Genma. He could wait. She finished her shower, drying off and then wrapping the towel around her hair, twisting it up on top of her head. She made sure it was secure, then turned to the mirror, examining the dark hickeys from last night spreading down her neck and over her shoulders, the scratches cutting red lines down her sides and across her stomach.

"Damn it, Kakashi," Asuna muttered, rolling her eyes and setting to work on covering the marks on her neck. It was hardly fair that she walked away looking like this every time and he always left without a scratch on him, but Kakashi was very particular about when and how she could touch him, and it was difficult to ever leave a mark on him when she was always pressed face-down beneath him.

Once she was satisfied that the marks were covered - the ones she could reach, anyway - she went back to her room and dressed, moving a little more quickly now. She could still sense Genma's chakra outside her door, waiting patiently, so she hurried, toweling down her hair, then tugging on her pants and pulling her shirt over her head before going out to the living room and opening the door.

"About time," Genma said, pushing off the railing. He watched her tug on her sandals, stepping out of her apartment and locking the door behind her. He smirked when he glanced at her wet hair. "Oh, took a shower and didn't invite me? I see how it is."

"Shut up," Asuna replied, chuckling and shoving his arm as they headed down the stairs. She heard a soft rustle, and then he held up a small bag. She smiled when she saw the familiar logo on the paper. "You brought me andagi."

"I did." He grinned, holding the bag away when she reached for it. "Uh-uh, you have to earn it."

"Come on," she whined when he waved the bag teasingly in her face, pulling it back before she could grab for it. "Please?" He shook his head and backed away from her, careful to keep it out of her reach. She pouted, crossing her arms over her chest. "Why do you do this to me?"

"Because you're cute when you pout," he answered, still grinning. He opened the bag, holding it under his nose and inhaling deeply. "Mm. Smells good."

"You're so mean," she grumbled, eyes narrowing when he laughed. "I changed my mind, I'm going home."

"No, I'm sorry! Don't go home. Peace offering?" He held the bag out, raising a brow when she eyed him distrustfully. "Oh, come on, don't be like that. It's all yours, no tricks this time." She kept an eye on him as she reached out, snatching the bag from his hand before he could pull it away again. She opened it, pulling out one of the fried balls of dough and biting into it, smiling at him.

"Okay, you're forgiven," she said, holding the bag back out to him. "Want one?"

"Sure." He reached into the bag, taking one of the doughnuts, grinning at her again. "So. What are we doing today?"

"Well, I have a few errands to run, if you don't mind," Asuna suggested, shrugging and finishing off her doughnut.

"How did you know I love running errands?" Genma asked, gasping and holding his hand over his chest. She laughed, shoving his arm again. "What kind of errands are we talking? Underwear shopping? You know I'd be happy to let you model it for me- ow!" He flinched when she smacked the back of his head, feigning a hurt expression. "Asuna!"

"That mouth of yours is going to get you in trouble one of these days," she answered, shaking her head.

"Most girls like the trouble my mouth causes," he teased, ducking out of the way before she could smack him again, laughing. "I'm joking, I'm joking. Calm down."

"I think you're the one that needs to calm down," Asuna replied, rolling her eyes, but she couldn't help the smile that she could feel tugging up the corners of her lips. She would never admit it, but as much as it annoyed her when it was directed at her, she enjoyed his dirty humor. Most people would be worried about whether it was proper to joke around like that, especially in the company of a woman, but Genma didn't care, about anything, really, and that was one of the things she admired most about him. She wished she could be that blissfully carefree.

Genma chattered on as he diligently followed her while she ran her errands, making more than one shopkeeper blush when he cracked an inappropriate joke. She'd given up trying to chastise him a while ago once she'd realized it was useless, instead apologizing to the shopkeeper as they left. It was a relief when they finally headed back to her place to drop off her purchases.

"I can't take you anywhere, can I?" she asked as they walked up the stairs to her apartment, shifting her bags to fit her key in the lock. "You're a menace."

"Here." He ignored her jab, taking her bags from her so she could get the door open, but he was grinning, silently proud of himself.

"So ridiculous," she muttered, shaking her head and stepping into her apartment, flipping on the light. He followed behind her, and they both kicked off their sandals, heading into the kitchen to put things away. "If you put everything away, I'll make some food."

"You drive a hard bargain," Genma replied, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "All right, deal." He set to work sorting out the groceries, while Asuna opened the fridge and pulled out a few things, preparing the onigiri she'd been storing. She finished before he did, hopping up on the counter and nibbling on one as she watched him. He glanced at her when he finished, eyeing the food in her hand. "Oh, I see. You tricked me."

"I prefer to look at it as payback for the andagi," she said, grinning at him and patting the counter beside her, shifting a little when he hoisted himself up to sit beside her. She handed him an onigiri, taking another bite of hers. "Thank you for helping."

"Next time I know not to stand between you and your doughnuts," he chuckled, shaking his head. "Ridiculous woman."

"Oh, don't give me that!" She nudged his knee with hers, laughing. "Remember that time I took the last bit of dango? You refused to speak to me for the rest of the day."

"Fair enough." He grinned, eating the last bite of his onigiri and turning his head to look at her, watching as she finished off her own. "What now?"

"Well, I'm going to clean this up and then I think maybe some training?" She glanced up at him, finding him watching her, an amused look in his eyes. "What?"

"You have a bit of rice right there." He didn't give her a chance to deal with it herself, reaching over and brushing his thumb across the corner of her lower lip. She shivered slightly at the sudden, unexpected touch, but he didn't seem to notice, focused on his task. Once he'd gotten the rice off her lip, he smiled at her, hopping down off the counter. "Right. Come on then." He helped her down, then went to the door to put his shoes back on while she cleaned up.

Once Asuna had put away the leftovers and put her shoes back on, they headed out for the training fields. This walk was quieter than their errand trip had been - it seemed Genma had finally run out of dirty jokes. When she glanced up at him, she found him chewing furiously on the end of his senbon, a sure sign that something was on his mind. He didn't answer when she asked about it, though, so she let it go.

When they reached the training field, however, whatever was distracting him seemed to disappear from his mind, and he attacked with laser-like focus. He'd always been good at clearing his mind for a fight.

They were as evenly matched as ever, blocking each other at every turn. He outmatched her in strength, that was for certain, but she made up for it with her speed and quick reflexes - it made sparring matches with Genma lengthy, but it was a good workout, so she couldn't really complain.

The sun was beginning to dip below the horizon when Asuna finally managed to knock Genma's feet out from under him, but he pulled her down with him. They rolled through the dirt for a moment, fighting for the win, until finally, Asuna came out on top, forearm pressed to his throat.

"Looks like I win," she said, grinning down at him. "A valiant effort, but just not enough to beat me."

"Yeah?" He grinned, then moved before she could react...

And then everything imploded.

\---

Tucking his hands in his pockets, Kakashi gave his teammates a curt nod of farewell before walking away. They'd had a good training session today, he was quite proud of his two kohai and their progress. They were quick thinkers, even quicker on their feet, and he was glad to have them on his team despite their young ages. He did find himself wishing they weren't so young, but their skill certainly made up for it.

Sighing, he paused, tipping his head back to look up at the darkening sky. Tenzo he didn't worry about as much. He was older, a little more experienced, but Itachi... Itachi was only twelve - not even through puberty, and he already had a body count. Even worse, he seemed unfazed by the killing, the things he was asked to do as an ANBU operative. In truth, he saw a lot of himself in the younger boy. Too much, perhaps, and it troubled him. 

He was pulled from his thoughts by the sounds of a fight. Curious, he detoured, cutting through the trees until he reached the training grounds. His eyes widened when they fell on the scene in front of him - Asuna had Genma pinned to the ground, grinning... until the other man lifted up, kissing Asuna and rolling so she was pinned beneath him.

Anger began to kindle within him, then caught fire, burning through his entire body.

Everything went red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so! some stuff happened. what happens next? well, chapter 14 is already written and being edited so you won't have to wait long :)
> 
> i also hope this doesn't feel too sudden. i've been kind of working up to it for a bit with how asuna and genma interact (basically i tried to keep her feelings clear while keeping his unclear, if that makes sense? and now comes the time to address it yahoooo).


	14. The Storm

Asuna was stunned. She couldn't move, couldn't react, couldn't stop Genma from rolling so she was pinned beneath him - all she could focus on was his lips on hers, the cold feeling of his senbon against her cheek. It was quick, barely the length of a heartbeat, and then he was staring down at her, the amusement in his eyes fading into worry.

"Shit," he breathed, eyes slowly widening as he realized what he'd done. He sat up, running a hand through his hair. "Fuck, Asuna, I'm sor-" Suddenly, a hand entered her line of sight, and Genma was knocked to the side, hitting the dirt hard. Asuna inhaled sharply when she saw Kakashi standing over her, hands curled into fists at his sides. The look in his eyes made her blood run cold.

"Kakashi!" She scrambled to her feet, shoving him back when he took a step toward Genma, putting herself between them. When she glanced over her shoulder, she saw anger in Genma's eyes, glaring up at Kakashi and working his jaw. She refocused on Kakashi when he strained against her hands, glaring at him now. "What the hell was that?"

"Yeah, thought we were all friends here," Genma threw in, picking his senbon up from the dirt and standing as well, still working his jaw. "Fuck, you hit hard. Asuna, let's-" He brought his arms up to block his face when Kakashi pushed past Asuna, doubling over when Kakashi landed another blow. Before Asuna could really process what was happening, Genma was beneath Kakashi in the dirt as the ANBU laid into him.

"Kakashi!" Asuna yelled, grabbing for his arm. She had no idea what was going through his mind that he would do this, but she knew she had to stop him. If she didn't, she was afraid Kakashi might actually kill him. "Kakashi, stop!" She staggered back with a surprised cry when the ANBU's elbow caught her in the stomach, nearly losing her footing. He didn't seem to notice, entirely focused on Genma.

She didn't know whether to feel hurt or furious. Both, she decided as she formed the hand signs, and the wind on the training field began to pick up. She felt both. This was not okay. She released her chakra, flinching when she saw the strong gust of wind send Kakashi flying, heard the sharp crack of wood breaking as he struck the tree. He was not going to be happy with that one, but she couldn't think about that right now.

"You okay?" she asked quietly, kneeling beside Genma. There was so much blood and swelling that she worried she might have been too late, but then he groaned, his right eye cracking open to peer up at her. Kami, but he was a mess. Tears welled in her eyes, and she flinched when her voice broke. "Genma, I'm so sorry."

"Not your fault," he mumbled, voice thick and nasally. He winced when she helped him sit up, her fingers gentle on his chin as she tipped his head up to inspect damage. His left eye was completely swollen shut, bruising already beginning to form beneath both his eyes. The entire left side of his face was beginning to swell, and there was blood everywhere. Kakashi had really done a number on him.

"Let's get you to the hospital," she said, and he gave no resistance as she helped him to his feet, steadying him when he stumbled. She sighed, turning and pulling his arm over her shoulders. "I've got you. Come on."

"What about him?" Genma's good eye flicked toward Kakashi, who was starting to push himself to his feet. Asuna's eyes narrowed, and she turned her attention forward.

"I'll deal with him later," she answered curtly, adjusting her grip on him before beginning to walk, leading him away from the training grounds. She offered no elaboration, and he didn't ask.

It was a slow, silent walk through the darkening village to the hospital, broken only by Genma's occasional groans and Asuna asking him questions to make sure he was still with her. By the time they got there, she was half-carrying, half-dragging him, and she was getting angrier with Kakashi by the minute. It didn't matter what his reasons were - this was unacceptable.

She stayed at the hospital with Genma long enough to help the medical ninja settle him in and make sure he was okay. At one point, she thought she saw Kakashi walking by, but she shook it off - she had to focus on Genma. Once he was settled and she was sure he was going to be all right, she left, setting a path for Kakashi's house. She didn't know if he'd be there, if he'd even open the door for her if he was. She didn't care, she'd bust the door down if she had to.

Asuna was fuming by the time she reached Kakashi's house. She'd walked slowly, taking the time to think about what she was going to say, but she honestly had no clue. She was too angry to think straight, and the feeling only intensified when she saw his lights on. Steeling her nerves, she knocked on the door. No answer, as expected.

"Kakashi, I'm going to kick the door down if you don't open it and let me in," she called, knocking on the door again, eyes narrowing. "I know you're in there! Open the fucking door!" The door swung open at last, and she stepped back when she saw Kakashi standing there glowering at her. He looked pissed.

"What do you want?" he snarled, blocking her path as she tried to push past him into his house. "Leave."

"We need to talk. Let me in." She glared right back, her fear overwhelmed by her own anger. He didn't budge, fingers clenching on the doorframe. Even covered by shadows, she could see the dark bruising splashed across his knuckles. "Kakashi."

"Asuna," he replied, tone mocking, shifting to block her again as she attempted to duck under his arm. "You broke three of my ribs, you know that?"

"Good, you deserved it," she snapped, crossing her arms over her chest, looking up to meet his one open eye, cold and dark as it stared back at her. Everything about him right now screamed danger, and her instincts were telling her to turn and run. She ignored it, though - he wasn't going to scare her away. "I will happily break some more if you want, but I'd rather just talk. Let me in."

"So stubborn," he muttered, finally relenting and stepping back, shutting the door once she'd entered his house. He turned his back on her and strode across the room, picking up an ice pack sitting by the sink before turning to face her again, leaning back against the counter. "Go on, then. Get it over with."

"Genma's going to be okay, thanks for asking." She couldn't help the sarcasm that bled into every word. She usually didn't speak like this, to anyone, but everything about this situation was pissing her off. "You broke half his face and gave him a concussion, but he'll live." Kakashi didn't answer, just let out a small, indifferent grunt. She studied him for a minute, taking in the cold look in his narrowed eye, the stiff square of his shoulders and tense clench of his jaw through his mask. He was seething. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Don't know what you're talking about." He looked down at his hand, shifting the ice pack on his knuckles. "Are you done?"

"No." She strode forward, grabbing the ice pack and throwing it aside, glaring up at him. "No, I'm not done. I- ow! Hey!" She winced when he grabbed her arms, turning and pressing her back against the counter. His grip only tightened when she shoved at his chest. "Kakashi, stop! You're hurting me!"

"You want to know what's wrong?" he growled, ignoring her words, both eyes open now, fixed on her in a bone-chilling glare. Tears stung her eyes as his grip tightened again. "You're what's wrong. You push, and push, and you don't know when to fucking back off. I start to think maybe, _just maybe_ , it's all right to let you push, and then you go and kiss Genma? _Fucking Genma_. What the fuck, Asuna?"

"You need to let me go." Her voice trembled, and she jumped when he released one of her arms, hand slamming on the cabinet just to the right of her head. "Kakashi, please." All her bravado from before was gone - all she felt now was fear. Her heart was racing so hard she thought it might burst from her chest, her breathing quick and shallow, her entire body trembling. It felt like a panic attack, and it terrified her.

" _Fuck_." He pushed away from her, turning and pacing away. His hands clenched into fists, and she didn't miss the way he winced - even afraid as she was, she couldn't help but worry about him, and she wanted to kick herself for it. She should not be thinking about him right now. She gripped the edges of the counter when he turned around again, eyes flitting between him and the door.

"I didn't kiss him," she said quietly, flinching when her voice wavered. She hadn't wanted to show him how scared she was, but it couldn't be helped. He scoffed, rolling his eyes. The gesture irritated her, enough to give her some of her courage back. "I didn't. Do you really think I'm the type of person who would be with you and then turn around and kiss someone else?"

"A lot changes in four years. I don't know you anymore." The statement was a simple one, a true one, but it still cut deep. "I don't know what you would do."

"Kami, I..." She stared at him, shaking her head in disbelief. "For someone who's so smart, you are so _infuriatingly_ stupid." She pushed off the counter, heading for the door. Kakashi caught her arm as she passed, and she stopped, glaring up at him. "Let go."

"We're not done." His own eyes narrowed, hand tightening. "You're the one who wanted to talk, remember?"

"Let. Go." She enunciated each word carefully, clearly, but he still didn't listen, and her hand clenched. The look in his eyes sent another rush of fear through her. "Kakashi, I'm warning you."

"Asuna." Something in his tone changed, but his grip didn't loosen in the slightest. "Wait-" He grunted in surprise when her fist connected with his ribs, not hard enough to do any damage, but enough to shock him into releasing her arm. She moved before he could recover, throwing open the front door and running down the walkway.

Once outside, it took every last bit of Asuna's control to force herself to slow to a walk, to keep it together as she made her way back into the village. She was still shaking, and she kept looking over her shoulder like she thought Kakashi might follow her.

She'd felt fear around him before, but nothing like this. This was different. This was a fear that shook her to her very core, fear that made her blood run cold and sent her fight or flight instinct into overdrive. She had thought that he wouldn't do anything to hurt her... and she had thought wrong.

Asuna had tried so hard to find the good in Kakashi, even when he gave her every reason to give up. She had searched and searched for the remnants of the boy she had once known, but her desire to cling to the past had left her blind to what was in front of her.

It was time to accept the truth - Kakashi was too far gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here is 14. so, kakashi's behavior. unsettling, no? i've been trying my best to portray kakashi as a little unstable/unhinged, and everything just kind of came to a head with that.
> 
> now, i have to say, the goal here was not to make kakashi look abusive. the goal was to show that he is unstable/unhinged, and therefore unpredictable, and to throw into question exactly what being so fucked up makes him capable of. if it didn't come across that way then i have failed and someone needs to tell me so i can rewrite this chapter.


	15. Fallout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> attn: You will see dialogue from the last chapter in this chapter, but the content between the dialogue is different due to the difference in character POV.

Kakashi was vaguely aware of Asuna yelling, pushing at his chest, but all he could see through the haze of red fogging his vision was Genma, picking himself up from the dirt and glaring at him. His fury was growing with each passing second, setting his nerve endings alight, making his blood boil and his skin crawl. His hands clenched when he saw Genma's mouth move, saw him glance at Asuna... and he lost it.

He didn't even know what he was doing anymore, it was like his body had a mind of its own. He caught flashes - Genma's face, swollen and bleeding, his eyes closing. Asuna, yelling his name, a hand on his arm. And then everything was moving, a strong gust of wind sending him spinning through the air, the crack of wood and bone seeming to echo in his ears.

The impact with the tree left him dazed, and by the time he managed to come to his senses enough to push himself to his feet, Asuna and Genma were gone.

The pain searing through his hand and chest forced him back to reality. He looked down with wide eyes at his shaking hands, covered in blood - Genma's blood. He wiped them off on his pant legs, but no matter how much he did, it wouldn't come off.

He had no idea how he got to the hospital, he could barely hear the medics as they asked him what happened. He was locked in his own mind, the sight of Asuna and Genma pressed together stuck in his head on a loop. They said something about broken ribs and a cracked knuckle, but it was drowned out by the sound of flesh connecting with flesh, the crack of bone, and Asuna, screaming his name.

Kakashi paced the halls for what felt like hours after they released him to go home. He was torn - part of him wanted to find Asuna, to attempt to explain himself, but then he remembered that she was with Genma and the anger set in all over again. She made her choice, he needed to accept that.

The thoughts raging through his head like a tsunami followed him home. He had brief moments of startling clarity, where he finally felt grounded and clear-headed, but every time he thought he was pulling it together, his mind was drawn right back to the moment he saw Asuna and Genma on the training field, and he fell apart all over again.

If he was being honest with himself, a part of him had always known she would be the one to leave. For some inexplicable reason, he couldn't stay away from her, no matter how hard he tried. It only made sense that she would be the one to draw away, to end it all. But never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined that she would do it like this.

Kakashi had thought, had dared to hope, that things were finally starting to get better. He and Asuna had finally gotten to a good place - well, he wouldn't exactly call it good. He still hadn't been able to find the words to tell her... anything, really. He wanted to, but every time he had tried to sit down and have an actual conversation with her, he had chickened out and they just wound up in bed. And forget looking at her. The sight of her was as overwhelming as it had been the first time - it was too much. _She_ was too much.

 _Asuna_. Every part of her had a way of destroying every part of him, tearing down the walls he'd painstakingly built, ripping through his defenses like a tidal wave. Every time he tried to build them back up, she was right there pulling them down again, pulling apart everything he knew. And he had let her. Damn it all, but he had let her, and now he was paying the price.

He supposed it was his fault. He hadn't set boundaries with her, hadn't brought up whether or not this sort of thing was okay, and had refused to define whatever it was they were doing. Hell, he had refused to even talk about it at all, but honestly, he didn't think he had to. He had thought she had understood, but a lot had changed in four years. She couldn't read him the way she used to, and it had been foolish of him to expect otherwise.

Sighing, Kakashi made himself an ice pack for his throbbing hand, wincing at the cold on his bruised fingers. He'd washed the blood off, changed out of his blood-stained clothes, but he could still see it, smeared across his hands like it had just happened. _Not real. It's not there_.

He looked up when he heard a loud, furious knocking on his front door, eyes narrowing when he heard someone yell his name. Asuna. As much as he wanted to see her, he couldn't bring himself to face her. Not like this. But she was yelling, threatening to kick the door down, and he felt that rage, sitting quietly in his chest, beginning to stir again. He threw his ice pack down with a low growl, striding across the room and tearing open the front door.

"What do you want?" he snarled, blocking her path as she tried to push past him into his house. "Leave."

"We need to talk. Let me in." He wanted to. Fuck, did he want to. But he was too mad right now, too irrational, too afraid of what he might do if he did. He couldn't. So he didn't move, didn't speak, didn't do anything but keep glaring, trying to scare her into leaving before he lost control. "Kakashi."

"Asuna," he replied before he could stop himself, tone mocking, shifting to block her again as she attempted to duck under his arm. "You broke three of my ribs, you know that?"

"Good, you deserved it," she snapped, crossing her arms over her chest. She was fierce in her anger, and a little startling - he had never seen her angry like this before. It was unnerving. "I will happily break some more if you want, but I'd rather just talk. Let me in."

"So stubborn," he muttered, finally relenting and stepping back, shutting the door behind her. He turned, returning to the kitchen and picking up his ice pack, then leaned against the counter facing her. He was careful to avoid her gaze. "Go on, then. Get it over with."

"Genma's going to be okay, thanks for asking." He tensed at the mention of Genma's name, anger coming back in full force - that was the wrong thing to say to him right now. His jaw clenched, his hand tightening around his ice pack. He couldn't even hear the rest of her sentence through the sound of his blood rushing in his ears. He was trying to keep his anger in check, but he was failing miserably. Her next words cut through the noise, though, loud and angry. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Don't know what you're talking about." He looked down at his hand, shifting the ice pack on his knuckles. This was torture. "Are you done?"

"No." He looked up when he sensed her moving, watching through narrowed eyes as she strode toward him, grabbing his ice pack and throwing it aside. "No, I'm not done. I-"

The next thing Kakashi knew, Asuna was pinned between him and the counter. He froze when he felt her tremble, and suddenly everything came into perfect focus. The way she was looking at him, the pain and fear in her bright eyes, wet with tears, brought him crashing back to reality. It registered then, the death grip he had on her arm, the fact that he had just hit the cabinet inches from her head. She was terrified. She had never looked at him like that before, and it _hurt_. What had he done?

" _Fuck_." Kakashi released her and backed away, turning around. He couldn't look at her, at what he'd done. What the hell was wrong with him? He clenched his hands, wincing at the pain in his knuckle, but otherwise ignoring it. He deserved it, honestly. Every bit of pain he was in, physically and emotionally, he deserved it. When he turned around again, his gaze zeroed in on how Asuna clenched the edges of the counter, her eyes darting between him and the door. She wanted to leave, that much was obvious.

But even as angry as he was, he didn't want her to go.

"I didn't kiss him." Her voice was soft, trembling, hard to hear, and he felt another surge of anger at her words. He couldn't help but scoff, rolling his eyes. He wanted to believe her, but he had seen it with his own eyes, every agonizing second of it. Suddenly her eyes narrowed, and her tone strengthened. "I didn't. Do you really think I'm the type of person who would be with you and then turn around and kiss someone else?" A few hours ago, his answer would have been no. But now... now he didn't know.

"A lot changes in four years. I don't know you anymore." Asuna flinched at his words, and he felt a twinge of regret. His words, however true they may be, were harsh. But he couldn't make himself stop. "I don't know what you would do."

"Kami, I..." The waver in her voice, the way she was trembling, it made him _ache_. She was terrified, and it was his fault. "For someone who's so smart, you are so _infuriatingly_ stupid." That irritated him - what the hell was that supposed to mean? He was about to ask when she suddenly shoved off the counter, heading past him for the door. She visibly flinched when he caught her arm, and he felt another surge of regret. Shame. _His fault_. "Let go."

"We're not done." _Don't go_. "You're the one who wanted to talk, remember?" _I fucked up_. Kakashi was trying, but the words just wouldn't come out the way he wanted them to.

"Let. Go." The subtle shift in her tone, from fear to anger, held an edge of warning, an unspoken 'or else.' "Kakashi, I'm warning you."

"Asuna," he said, his own tone softening. _Please don't go_. The words burned on the tip of his tongue, why couldn't he say them? "Wait-" All the air rushed out of him as her fist connected with his broken ribs. It wasn't a hard punch, she was clearly trying not to hurt him, but it left him winded, and by the time he caught his breath she was gone, the door standing wide open in her wake.

Clutching at his side and wheezing, he stumbled over to the door, grasping the frame to steady himself. She was too far into the night to see any longer, and with a growl, he slammed the door shut.

This time, though, Kakashi was angry with himself. He had never wanted Asuna to see him lose control like that, to see the ruthless, coldblooded side of him that usually only came out when he put on that porcelain mask. But she had, and worse, she had seen it when he was attacking her best friend.

He had honestly only intended to strike Genma once, but the second the other man looked at Asuna, he had just lost it. That was no excuse, though. Was he glad he hit Genma? Yes, very. But as much as he might hate him right now, Genma was still a comrade, and Kakashi had crossed a line, had gone too far. He had been consumed by his rage, his jealousy, a burning possessiveness that had made him forget that Asuna wasn't a possession, but a person - a person he had let get close to him, that he had made the mistake of trusting despite every rational instinct he had telling him to keep her at bay.

Had it been a mistake, though? Kakashi wasn't so sure anymore.

As his anger toward Asuna began to slowly fade, replaced by a deep-seated shame that made him regret ever meeting her in the first place, he began to think more clearly. He was starting to realize that in his haze, how could he truly be sure what he saw? They had kissed, that much was certain, but the only context he had were his own suspicions, the thoughts that haunted him every time he saw the two of them together - the casual, flirtatious way in which Genma touched her, the way Asuna leaned against his arm when she laughed, the way they finished each other's sentences and seemed to always know what the other was thinking. They were so open with each other, so free with their affections, so _close_. Perhaps that was what terrified him the most - Genma was everything to her that he could never be.

The thought of it kept Kakashi tossing and turning all night, unable to fall asleep. He tried counting sheep. He made a pitiful attempt at meditation. He tried to think of anything and everything _but_ Asuna, yet she kept creeping back in - she was all he could see, all he could think about. So he let himself think about her, tried to focus on the good moments, but even those memories were permeated by the fear in her eyes as she had looked at him, ruined by the pain he had caused her.

The pattern continued over the next few days. He was in a new and special kind of hell - he wasn't sleeping again, but he wanted to. Each second awake was spent thinking about the damage he had done. He managed a few hours sporadically, but he was a wreck, unable to clear his head enough to fall asleep. Not even being sent on missions was enough to pull him out of his own head. He wanted to see Asuna, wanted to talk to her, explain, _apologize_ , but what could he possibly say to her that could ever even begin to make any of this right?

Yet on the fourth day, he found himself outside her door anyway, rapping on the wood before he could convince himself not to. He felt a small flicker of hope when he heard footsteps on the other side, the click of the lock... But then it clicked again, and the door didn't open.

Kakashi didn't know what he'd been expecting. It was stupid of him to even dare to hope that Asuna would open the door for him. He sighed, leaning forward until the metal plate of his hitai-ate made a soft _clink_ against the wood.

"I..." He didn't know what to say. Finally, he shook his head, trying to clear it - he had to say something. He should have thought about it, should have prepared. "There's no excuse for what I did. I know that." He paused, hoping she'd open the door. He didn't even know if she was listening. The words were coming unbidden now, but they felt right. "I don't blame you for not wanting to see me, and I understand if you never want to see me again. I just... I wanted you to know how deeply sorry I am. I didn't mean to..." He found himself unable to say it, but he knew that they both knew what he meant. "I'm sorry, Asuna."

Nothing. He supposed he shouldn't be surprised. Heaving another sigh, he turned to go, until the sound of Asuna’s voice through the door stopped him dead in his tracks. She didn't sound angry, she didn't sound hurt - she sounded blank, entirely emotionless as she said three short words that cut deeper than any sword.

"I don't care."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So just one notes: this chapter probably seems a little disjointed, and there are some weird transitions. Since this is Kakashi's POV and his thoughts are kind of scrambled, he's having a few moments where he's pretty much blacking out, not sure what he's doing or how he got somewhere, this is intentional. Probably not executed well, but either way, I hope you enjoyed :)


	16. Genma

Asuna stood by the window, watching the dark clouds that filled the afternoon sky, threatening to burst open at any moment. She hadn't slept much last night - afraid to go home, she had wandered the village for hours before remembering she needed to tell Genma's mother what had happened. She'd made it all the way to Hikaru Shiranui's door before remembering the older kunoichi was out of the village on a mission, so she'd changed trajectory and headed to the village entrance, telling the guard on duty to send Hikaru to the hospital as soon as she returned before going back there herself, to Genma's room. Even unconscious, his presence was comforting, safe.

Though the panic and fear had begun to fade, another emotion took hold - guilt. This entire mess was her fault, and it could all be traced back to one moment, one extremely poor decision that had upended her entire world and put her best friend in the hospital - the moment she had decided to let Kakashi in.

Was Genma wrong to kiss her? Yes. But that, too, was her fault. She had kept him in the dark about the nature of her relationship with Kakashi, as far as he knew there was no one in her life to care if he kissed her. At the same time, though, it was obvious that he hadn't meant to do it. Shinobi were trained to use whatever methods they had at their disposal to turn an unfavorable situation to their advantage, and Genma had seen himself in an unfavorable position. However, she doubted whoever had come up with that training regiment had intended for kissing to be one of the techniques employed.

And then there was Kakashi. Just thinking about him made her breath catch in her throat and her hands tremble, made the bruises she knew were forming on her arms throb.

Sighing, she turned from the window to look at her friend, lying motionless in the bed. They'd cleaned the blood off Genma's face and out of his hair, and his cuts had been healed, but there was nothing they could do about the swelling, bruising, and broken bones - those had to heal on their own.

"Kami," she sighed, shaking her head in a pathetic attempt to clear it. She watched him for a moment, and her heartbeat, which had calmed slightly since she had arrived at the hospital, picked up again as she remembered the training field, the look in Kakashi's eyes as he'd stood over them. He'd had that same look in his eyes when he'd had her backed into the counter - that wild, burning, all-consuming rage, seething jealousy... It was a look that screamed betrayal.

Thinking back on it, she had noticed something else there, too - hurt. She had hurt him, and that had only served to solidify her belief that she was the one to blame.

_You did this. He was already hurting and all you've ever done for him is make everything worse. You deserve to feel like this_.

Asuna closed her eyes, concentrating on Genma's chakra. It was difficult to focus, to drive those eyes from her mind, but then the warmth of it washed over her, wrapping her in a comfort she desperately needed.

It always startled her how different his chakra was from Kakashi's. Genma's chakra was bright, warm and comforting, where Kakashi's was dark, cold and dangerous. It hadn't always been like that - when she'd first met Kakashi, his chakra had been so bright it was like staring at the sun. Time and tragedy had twisted him, corrupting his chakra to match the darkness he hid behind his mask of indifference.

_No. Don't think about that._ She tried to think of something happy, a memory that could distract her, shake away the fear she felt creeping through her system. Her eyes opened suddenly - in that moment, there was only one person she needed, but they were lost to her.

_Mother_. She needed her mother, so much that it physically ached. She needed to feel the warmth of her hug, the comforting scent of her lavender shampoo, her soft, almost musical voice telling her that everything was going to be okay. If her mother were here, she would know what to do to make everything better.

Then again, if her mother were here, she never would have gotten mixed up with Kakashi in the first place.

Drawing a deep, trembling breath, Asuna walked over to the empty bed and sat down, clasping her trembling hands in her lap. _Her fault_. All she had done since she had come home was make one mistake after another, mistakes that had led them here. She found herself wishing - not for the first time - that she'd never made it back from the desert.

She'd been taught from a young age to control her tears, it was a lesson instilled into every aspiring shinobi - never let them see you cry. But everything that had been building up inside of her since the day she saw Kakashi in the Hokage's office - hell, since the night before she had left - it was all too much.

It felt like the walls were closing in on her. She doubled over with a sharp gasp, clutching at her head with both hands, tears burning in her eyes. Had she really survived what had happened in Suna to come back to this? Had she survived her wounds, the poison, the blistering heat of the day and the frigid cold of the night, just to come home to this agony, this fear, and this crippling, overwhelming doubt?

How she felt right now was the culmination of everything that had happened to her since the night she had spent with Kakashi before she left. The things she had experienced in the desert, every little thing that had happened since her return – falling into bed with Kakashi despite her better judgment, her meeting with the man that looked like her brother, this entire mess with Genma and Kakashi... It all came crashing down on her at once, suffocating her, making her ears ring and stealing the breath from her lungs.

Asuna tried to keep it together, to stay strong. Breaking down would not do her any good. She focused on Genma's chakra again, trying to still the tremors in her hands, to force air into her constricted lungs, but it wasn't enough.

Then the door opened. _Hikaru_. She hadn't been expecting her to come back to the village so soon. There was a brief pause, and then warm arms wrapped around her, that familiar floral scent - undercut by dirt and blood - filling her nose.  She returned the older woman's embrace in an instant, muffling her broken sob against her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," Asuna choked out, her fists clenching around the back of Hikaru's flak jacket. It was all she could say. "I'm-"

"Relax, dear," Hikaru interrupted, gently stroking Asuna's hair. The gesture made her heart clench - it reminded her of her own mother. "Just tell me what happened." She was calm now, but by the time Asuna managed to pull herself together enough to talk, to tell her what happened - to Genma, at least, omitting the part about what Kakashi had done to her - the older woman was fuming. She released Asuna and got to her feet without a word, beginning to pace the length of the room, and the absence of the warm comfort of her arms made Asuna ache. "That little bastard. I ought to go over there and wring his neck-"

"Please don't." The plea slipped out before she could stop it, and Hikaru's eyes widened slightly as she stopped to look at her. Asuna backtracked quickly, ashamed of herself for even speaking up in the first place. "I already took care of it, he won't be a problem anymore." The older kunoichi didn't say anything, and Asuna looked down, biting her lip to keep it from quivering. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen-"

"It's not your fault." It wasn't Hikaru's voice that responded, but Genma's. She looked up to find him sitting up and watching her - judging by the look on his face, he'd been listening for a while, but he gave her a small, half-smile when she met his gaze. That was all it took. She was across the gap between the beds in a heartbeat, sitting on the edge of his and throwing her arms around him. He let out a surprised huff at the sudden contact, but didn't hesitate to return her hug, resting his chin on her shoulder and lowering his voice. "Are you okay?"

"I think I'm supposed to be the one asking you that," she murmured in response, her voice trembling. Her arms involuntarily tightened around him when he moved to draw away, not yet ready to let go. He chuckled, but allowed it, pulling her closer.

"I'm fine," he assured her, moving his chin until he found a comfortable spot. "What are you doing here, ma? Your mission-"

"Was successfully completed," Hikaru interrupted, the springs of the other bed squeaking as she sat down. "I had a bad feeling, so I hurried my team back. Good thing, too. Look at the mess you two have found yourselves in, with the Hatake boy of all people. You've heard the stories about him, haven't you?"

"Ma, let's not go there," Genma said, an edge of warning in his voice. It changed to worry when Asuna drew away without warning and stood. "Asuna, where are you going?"

"I need to go home and sleep," she lied, trying to suppress the sudden twinge of anger she felt at Hikaru's words. She loved Genma's mother, she truly did - she had taken her in after the fire, given her a place to live and treated her with nothing but love and kindness - but no matter how much she wanted to hate Kakashi right now, she couldn't sit there and listen to whatever it was the outspoken woman had on her mind about him. It was probably for the best that she left, anyway - even while pissed at him, she felt an overwhelming desire to defend him, but it wasn't her truth to tell. On top of that, it wasn't her job to defend him, no matter how much she might want to. So she gave Genma's hand a gentle squeeze when he gave her a concerned look, forcing a small smile. "I'll try and come back later."

"Promise?" he asked, tightening his hold on her hand before she could draw away. He was worried, he didn't want her to go, and she felt a rush of affection and appreciation for him… but also sadness. She didn't deserve his kindness.

"I'll try," she repeated, squeezing his hand again, then turned and walked out before he could stop her.

That flash of anger she had felt before was gone now, and all she was left with was shame.

\---

Genma watched Asuna leave, waiting until the door shut before narrowing his eyes at his mother. He couldn't believe her.

"What did you do that for?" he asked, not bothering to hide his irritation, but he deflated quickly when she raised a single brow, giving him a pointed look. He hadn't been on the receiving end of that look often, but he still knew it well - it was the look she always gave him on the rare occasion that he talked back to her.

"You know I didn't mean it like that, Genma," she answered, folding her hands in her lap, still giving him that look. "I was asking if you'd heard the stories, not saying that I believed them. But there is something off about that boy." She paused, tipping her head slightly to the side thoughtfully. "Honestly, I don't know what you were thinking. I raised you better than to kiss women that are involved with someone else."

"I didn't know, and it's not like I did it on purpose." Genma couldn't help the tone of irritation that seeped back into his voice, glancing away so he didn't have to see that look. He felt bad enough already. He had, however unknowingly, crossed a line he had sworn he'd never cross, and worse, he'd crossed it with Asuna.

He would be lying if he said he'd never thought about it - they had grown up together, and as they'd gotten older, he had found himself noticing her more and more. She'd colored his dreams and fantasies for as long as he could really remember, and while he felt guilty thinking of her in that way when he was alone at night, he had never really been able to help himself, had never been able to drive out the image of her, no matter how hard he tried. But thinking about it was one thing. Actually doing something... that was something else entirely.

He knew he hadn't meant to kiss her. He had done it without thinking - he was pinned, and it had been instinctual to use a distraction tactic, something that would allow him to flip the situation in his favor. Reflecting now, he should have just taken the loss.

"Genma." Hikaru's voice cut into his thoughts, and he looked up at his mother, her brow furrowed now, looking concerned and even a little bit confused. "Do you love her?"

"I don't know," he answered honestly after a moment, looking back down. The question startled him. He did find Asuna attractive – the initial attraction was easily attributable to puberty, her always being around when he was first starting to really notice girls, but over the years, how he saw her had never really changed. He knew he felt strongly for her, he just wasn't sure whether it was simply physical attraction, how close they had always been, or if it meant something more. "It's... complicated."

"How is it complicated?" she asked, tutting when he gave her a noncommittal grunt, still avoiding her eyes and rubbing at the back of his neck. "Oh, don't give me that. I raised the two of you, remember? I've watched you pine after her for years, and I've seen how close you are. Just talk to her. Keeping everything bottled up isn't going to help you figure anything out. And at the very least, you should apologize for kissing her."

"I will," he answered, sighing. He wasn't sure how he felt about the idea, honestly - he had always preferred actions to words, but he knew his mother was right.

If he had any hope in hell of figuring out any of this, he would have to talk to Asuna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter ended up being way longer than expected, so I've split it into two parts (I'll be posting the second one as soon as I'm done posting this one). I honestly changed my plan for this one like 10 times before this happened, but I'm actually quite pleased with the result :))
> 
> So I actually wrote a shit-ton of headcanons for Genma's mom & his relationship with her, & I couldn't resist putting her in the story. I chose Hikaru for her name because I keep mentioning how warm & bright Genma is, and Hikaru could mean "light" or "brightness" (& I definitely do believe that a lot of what Genma is is attributable to his mom's influence).


	17. The Safest Place

Asuna half-expected to go home and find Kakashi waiting in her apartment. Since they'd started… whatever it was that they were doing, he had made a habit of doing so whenever he upset her - though when he did, he never wanted to talk, but over time she found she hadn't minded as much. It was just simpler to let him make it up to her with sex rather than try and force him to swallow his pride and apologize.

Expanding her senses, she felt for any chakra signatures inside her home - finding none, she unlocked the door and entered. Relocking the door and kicking off her sandals, she padded through her apartment to her room and fell face-first onto her bed. All the exhaustion of the last twenty four hours hit her then, and she out before her head even touched the mattress.

The next few days were a new and special kind of hell. Pain was not a feeling she was unaccustomed to. On the contrary, it was all she'd really ever known. She was used that burning ache in her chest, the crushing weight on her tired lungs, the exhaustion that she felt deep in her bones, that made it difficult to lift her limbs. Pain had followed her since childhood, always watching, waiting for its chance to rip her apart like a wild, hungry animal.

No, pain was not a foreign concept to her. She and pain were like fated lovers, doomed to come together, over and over again, no matter how hard she tried to stay away. But this pain... this pain she could have avoided. If she had just stayed away from Kakashi, none of this would have happened.

Could she have stayed away, though? She wasn't so sure. Even now, she wanted to go to him. After all that he had done, she was still drawn to him, pulled in by his dark gravity, and she hated herself for it.

_I need a shower_ , she decided, rolling out of bed and wincing at the pain in her arms and stomach. A shower would make her feel better.

She was half-right. The hot water felt good against her skin, melting the tension knotted in her shoulders, but it did nothing to clear her mind, or to ease the dull, throbbing ache in her chest.

Asuna was starting to realize that Kakashi had taken pieces of her - little pieces, so small she barely even noticed they were gone. Pieces that, once missing, made it easier to fall into bed with him, made it easier to lie to herself, to tell herself that everything was fine even when it so clearly was not. He was a mess - he put up a calm front, but beneath he was a storm, brimming with the potential for destruction, threatening to decimate anything and everything in his path, and Asuna... Kami help her, but she had actually thought that she could stop it.

Turning off the water, she got out of the shower, avoiding looking at herself in the mirror. She already knew what she would see - a small bruise on her stomach where Kakashi's elbow had struck her, the dark, angry purple and red handprints around her upper arms and her right wrist where he had grabbed her. She was used to leaving Kakashi's presence covered in hickeys and bruises, but this was different. These weren't caught up in the heat of the moment, unable to keep his hands off of her marks - this was a different kind of loss of control, one that filled her with a fresh surge of anger and fear.

Sighing, she toweled off and then dressed, tugging down her sleeves to hide the bruises from sight. She would have to be more careful than she had been with the hickeys - if Genma, who had come over last night after being released from the hospital and was currently sleeping on her couch, saw them... not even she would be able to break up that fight.

She had just flipped off the light when she heard a knock on the door. Her heart leapt into her throat when she felt Kakashi's chakra, and she was across the room before she really knew what she was doing, turning the lock, but she stopped before she could open it, startled and ashamed by her actions.

_No. You can't. Not this time_. She forced herself to release the doorknob, turning the lock once more.

She pressed her forehead to the wood, closing her eyes when she heard him speak, the sound of his voice making her heart clench. It hurt. He spoke softly, hesitating on the words, choosing them carefully, and he sounded... nervous, almost vulnerable. It made it so hard for her to ignore the urge to open the door, and when he said her name it nearly broke her.

_Don't do it. Don't you dare fucking do it. If you open this door, if you let him in, all he's going to do is hurt you again. It's all he knows how to do._

Damn it, though, she wanted to. She wanted to let him in, wanted it so badly it hurt. Maybe she was too forgiving, too willing to put things behind her when it came to him - it was an unsettling thought, and she clenched her hands at her sides, teeth catching her lip. _Don't do it._

If she opened the door, if she gave in to him again, she was lost.

"I don't care." It slipped out before she could stop herself, before she could think about the implications of that short little lie. _Of course you care, you idiot. Why did you do that?_   The worst part was, she knew it would hurt. She knew it would hurt him but she had said it anyway, and it killed her - the last thing she had ever wanted was to hurt him... yet here they were.

She turned, pressing her back to the door and sinking down to the floor, tears burning in her eyes. Genma was sitting up now, his mouth moving as he asked a question she couldn't hear - all she could focus on was Kakashi's retreating chakra, trying to hold back the tears. She shouldn't be crying over him - she needed to pull it together. She needed to forget. She wanted to forget.

"Asuna?" She looked up to find Genma in front of her, worry written across his battered face. "Are you okay?"

"I will be," she replied, forcing a smile, forcing herself to get to her feet, forcing Kakashi from her mind. He straightened as well, and she could feel him watching her as she walked past him into the kitchen, digging through the cabinets until she found the bottle of sake she had squirreled away. Turning, she held it up. "Want to get drunk with me?"

"I would love to, but I shouldn't," he answered, gesturing to the side of his face. She shrugged, hoisting herself up to sit on the counter before opening the bottle and taking a long swig, wincing as the alcohol burned its way down her throat. She had learned to appreciate the drink during her time in Suna, but she had never grown accustomed to its sting. "Asuna..."

"Can we not talk about it right now?" Asuna interrupted, glancing over at him again and taking another drink. "I just... I can't, Genma. I am barely holding it together and if we talk about it I might completely fall apart. So if you're going to be here, just... distract me. Please."

"What kind of distraction are we talking, because I have a few ideas," he said suggestively, without missing a beat, and Asuna couldn't help but laugh, shaking her head and lifting the bottle to her lips again. "I didn't hear a no."

"Do you have to make everything dirty?" she asked, raising an eyebrow when he walked over, leaning against the counter next to her. "Kami, Genma, who raised you when your mom wasn't looking?"

"I don't, but I know it annoys you and I think riling you up is funny," he answered, giving her a lazy half-grin and nudging her knee with his elbow. "You know I don't mean anything by it."

"Is that entirely true?" She asked it without thinking, and she froze when his smile fell. She was just saying all the wrong things today. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I don't know why I asked that."

"It's okay." Genma sighed, looking down at the counter and clasping his hands. He didn't say anything for a while, and Asuna didn't push him, watching him in silence. He was tense now, lost in his thoughts, and she couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking about. She was about to ask when he looked up, his one open eye dark, unreadable. "Do you ever think about it?"

She didn't need his explanation to know what he meant. She knew. If she was being honest with herself, maybe she had always known, had always suspected that he felt something more than friendship for her, but she had ignored it... But she couldn't ignore it now. There was no way to avoid it, and she didn't know how to answer without hurting him.

Did she have to hurt him, though? It would be easy to let herself be with him, certainly easier than it was with Kakashi. He was kind and sweet, but most importantly, he was stable, healthy, _safe_. He was everything that Kakashi wasn't, everything she knew that she should want, that she wanted to want. What if she let herself?

Maybe that was just the alcohol talking, though. She was beginning to feel fuzzy around the edges, her inhibitions lowered and her guard down, and in her weakened state, it was easy to picture it. It was easy to imagine that if she tried, if she really, truly tried, she could let herself be with him.

She took another long drink, steeling her nerves.

"Come here." Asuna set the bottle aside, opening her arms to him. He came into her hug instantly, letting out a soft sigh as he rested his chin on her shoulder, wrapping his arms around her so tight that it almost hurt - but she didn't mind. It felt nice. They were shinobi, the threat of danger lurked around every corner... but his arms were the safest place that she had ever been. _It would be so easy_.

The haze around her mind was thickening - she had drunk too much, too fast. It was getting harder to remember why she shouldn't.

Before she could talk herself out of it, she turned her head. Her first kiss brushed along the corner of his jaw, making him shiver. The second landed on his cheek, feather-light, and his skin flushed red at the contact. The third kiss found his lips, a little rough and chapped, but gentle against hers.

Genma reacted instantly. It was a soft kiss, slow and sweet and everything that Kakashi's kisses weren't. He let her take the lead, following the pace that she set and never once pushing for more than what she gave. It was everything one could ever dare to hope for in a kiss... but she felt nothing.

Even in her inebriated state, Asuna knew without a single shred of doubt that this, that he, was not what she wanted. She knew that he could make her happy, if she let him, but all she could think about were rough lips and even rougher hands, the heat of them against her skin threatening to unravel her, and two mismatched eyes, one stormy grey, the other blood red, burned into her mind. They were as electrifying as they were terrifying, pulling her in, pushing her away, staring at her as though they could burn a hole right through her.

The kiss was nice. It was soft, it was comforting. It even made her feel a little better.

But he wasn't Kakashi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL WELL WELL. Everybody's a lil fucked up in some way or another, aren't they?
> 
> Yes, Asuna did just say "i didn't kiss him" two chapters ago, BUT, no one is perfect, especially when upset & drunk.
> 
> So real talk: the first draft I wrote for these last 2 chapters ended a LOT differently... so who would want to read a two-shot revolving around some Asuna/Genma smut? ;)


	18. The First Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains NSFW material that is not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

Genma stepped back out of Asuna's arms, unable to bring himself to look at her. He had thought that he wanted this, that he wanted her, but thinking about it now... it hadn't meant anything to him, not in the way he thought it would.

It was both relieving and utterly disappointing. He had agonized over this, thought about it more than he cared to admit, spent most of his life, as his mother had put it, pining after her. He had expected kissing her to solidify his belief that he felt something more for her, not shatter it, and somehow, it left him more confused than before - not in regards to how he felt about her, that much was clear now. No, now he was confused about where this left them.

He knew how she felt. He could tell from the instant Kakashi had knocked on the door, could feel it in the hesitance of her kiss that her mind was elsewhere. Yet she had still kissed him. Why?

"I'm, uh..." Her voice cut through his thoughts, and he looked up, meeting her eyes. She looked nervous. "I'm sorry, Genma. I shouldn't have done that."

"Was it as weird for you as it was for me?" Genma asked, giving her a small, tentative smile. She returned the gesture, and the awkwardness that hung heavy in the air between them beginning to dissipate in an instant. "Yeah, I thought so."

"Don't get me wrong, Shiranui, you're an excellent kisser," Asuna answered, grinning at him now, but it didn't quite meet her eyes. "It's just..." She sighed, her smile falling. "I don't know. I guess I thought if I could make myself want to be with you, it would be easier to let go of Kakashi."

"You can't force something you don't feel," he said, leaning on the counter next to her, watching her as she lifted the sake bottle, staring at it for a moment before deciding against it and setting it back down. He hesitated, then placed his hand on her knee, gently squeezing. "Look, I'm not going to pretend I understand, and I sure as hell won't pretend I'm not pissed. Kakashi is fucked up, and I feel obligated as your friend to tell you that I don't think it's a good idea, especially considering everything that's happened. But that's not my place. Just... be careful, okay? And remember that it's not your job to save him."

"I know," she replied, sighing and covering his hand with hers, looking down, away from him. "I wish that I didn't want to, that I could just leave him to drown. But..."

"But that's not who you are." Genma finished her sentence for her, smiling again when she looked back up. "Trust me, I get it. When someone you care about is in trouble, you don't know how to give up on them, even when you know you should. It's one of the things I love about you." He turned his hand over in hers, giving it a gentle squeeze before releasing it. "Whatever you decide about him, I've got your back."

"Thank you." Asuna smiled at him, a genuine smile this time, and he felt a rush of affection for her. "That's actually... surprisingly sweet of you. I thought all you knew how to be was dirty."

"Oh, I know, I'm just full of surprises," he teased, nudging her knee with his elbow. "Come on, Shiratori, you know me better than that."

"I suppose." She nudged him back, smile widening. "So, now that this is all sorted, are you going to let me play matchmaker? I'm sure I can drum up at least one person who would be willing to go on a date with you."

"Just one? You wound me." Genma laughed, the last of the tension evaporating. "Oh, you know what I just thought about? Ma. She's going to be so disappointed in us."

"I know, right?" Asuna grinned, shaking her head. "Kami, she was not subtle, was she? I'm sure after I told her you kissed me she started planning our wedding."

"Don't get me started on how many times she mentioned how cute our kids would be." He grinned right back, turning and hoisting himself up onto the counter beside her, leaning back against the cabinets. "She has no shame."

It surprised him how easily they fell back into their teasing banter, the kiss already forgotten. He supposed it was a testament to how long they'd been friends, the strength of their bond, and it made him glad to know that it would take a lot more than something like a kiss to shake their relationship. She was as important to him as his mother and Raido, and he had no idea what he would have done if this had broken them.

Despite that joy and the words he'd said just a few moments ago, he felt a twinge of sadness, a hint of anger. He trusted Asuna's judgment, more than he trusted most others, but she was blind when it came to Kakashi, and that worried him.

Kakashi was drowning, and Genma had a sinking feeling that he might take Asuna down with him.

\---

It was late by the time Asuna finally closed the door behind Genma, insisting, for the hundredth time, that she was fine, that he didn't need to stay. Talking with him, hell, even the kiss, had helped to clear her head, and for the first time in... longer than she cared to admit, really, she felt relaxed, at peace. It was comforting to know that no matter what, she had someone that would always have her back.

He had also given her surprisingly good advice. He tended to hide it behind a carefree facade, pretending that he couldn't be bothered, but he was incredibly smart and unexpectedly helpful when he put his mind to it, and it had helped. Of course, she didn't think she'd be seeking out Kakashi anytime soon - even with Genma's tentative approval, if it could really be called that, Kakashi had still beaten her friend to a bloody pulp, had hurt her and scared her half to death, and that wasn't something that was so easily forgiven.

Asuna was starting to understand that Genma was right - it wasn't her job to save Kakashi. But that didn't mean she didn't want to. She had been in the darkness before, she knew what it was like, the hold it took, how hard it was to break free and escape. She had done it, and Kakashi had been a large part of the reason she made it. If he could do that for her, even while stuck down in the darkness with her, the least she could do was turn around, go back, and help him.

Sighing, she fell into bed, staring up at the ceiling, splashed with the harsh orange light of the street lamp outside.

Asuna had a decision to make. Go back and try to save Kakashi, and risk falling back into the darkness she had clawed her way out of, or leave him behind... though it wasn't much of a decision if she already knew what she would choose.

_No use thinking about it now_ , she thought, closing her eyes, trying to force Kakashi from her mind as she felt the warm tug of sleep...

But that was futile, too.

\---

_Dry lightning cracked across the dark sky, filling Asuna's room with a blinding white light. Between the storm and her nerves about the mission she was leaving for tomorrow, she was finding it impossible to sleep, and she was almost relieved to hear a soft knock on the door. She got up, padding silently through her dark apartment to the front door. She knew it was Kakashi on the other side before she even opened it, smiling at the ANBU operative. He didn't return the gesture, walking past her into the living room when she stepped aside to let him in._

_"You couldn't sleep either, hm?" she asked, shutting the door and relocking it behind him. He was agitated, she could tell by the way he dropped his boots on the floor as he pulled them off, the way he walked over to the couch before pacing back to the door. "Kakashi, what's wrong?"_

_"Why you?" he finally answered, stopping his pacing and turning to look at her. There was something wild in his visible eye as he stared at her. "For this mission, why does it have to be you?"_

_"Should I be offended by that?" Asuna leaned back agaisnt the door, crossing her arms over her chest. "I don't know why, the Hokage made the decision. What's your problem, Kakashi?"_

_"I..." Another flash of lightning illuminated the room, and she could see worry in his eye now, a hint of fear. It all made sense now._

_"It'll be fine," she assured him, pushing off the door and walking over to him. He tensed when she touched his arms, but didn't draw away. "I'll be fine, Kakashi, I promise."_

_"Don't make a promise you can't keep," he mumbled, avoiding her gaze. "If you're caught, they will kill you."_

_"So I won't get caught." A loud clap of thunder seemed to shake the whole room just then, and she stepped forward without thinking, pressing against him. His breath caught in his throat at the sudden closeness, but neither made a move to step away._

_They stayed like that, perfectly still, for what felt like a lifetime, until finally, his one visible eye, dark and unreadable, met hers._

_"Don't die," he murmured, and his voice, surprisingly soft, lost its usual indifferent tone. He sounded afraid. "I can't lose anyone else."_

_"I won't." She smiled, but the gesture was tense, forced. She was as afraid as he was. They both knew her words were a false comfort - it was a very real possibility she wouldn't come back alive. After a moment, her smile fell, her pulse beginning to race when he reached up to touch the top of his mask. "Kakashi..."_

_"Close your eyes," he said quietly. Her eyes widened for a brief second, and then she nodded, obeying his request. She heard a slight shuffle of cloth as he pulled down his mask, another loud clap of thunder shaking the walls._

_And then he kissed her, lips soft, hesitant. He moved with the clumsiness of someone who had never done this before, but it still left her breathless. He tensed when she wrapped her arms around his neck, threading one hand into his messy silver hair, but after a moment, his own hands settled on the small of her back, pulling her flush to his chest._

_As she melted into his touch, it was easy for her to forget how fucked up and scared they both were. They had both lost so much, and to open themselves up like this, to make themselves vulnerable to each other... it was terrifying._

_But at the same time, nothing had ever felt more right._

_"Where's your room?" Kakashi asked quietly as he drew away. Her eyes snapped open at the question, but all she was met with was his trembling hand, pressing over her eyes before she could look at him. "Please don't."_

_"Right side of the hall," Asuna murmured, closing her eyes again as he pulled his hand away, heart pounding in her chest as he took her hand. It only beat faster as he led her to her room, and her breath caught in her throat when she heard the door shut, when she felt his hands on the hem of her shirt. She raised her arms over her head as he pulled it up, shivering as his fingers brushed across her skin. As soon as her head was free from the fabric, she blindly sought out his lips again._

_He shuddered when her hands brushed his wrists, trailing up his arms to his shoulders, fumbling with the straps of his chestplate. She hated the ANBU armor, hated everything that it stood for and who he became when he wore it, and it was gratifying to slowly strip it away from him, dropping it carelessly to the floor. He was nervous, she could feel it in the tremble of his body as she ran her hands over his chest, feeling the way the thin fabric of his shirt clung to every tense muscle and taut plane before slipping her hands beneath it, peeling it away from his skin._

_"Wait-" He inhaled sharply when she pressed a soft kiss to his chest as she exposed it, blazing a trail up his neck and along his jaw as she tossed his shirt aside. "Fuck, Asuna..." He caught her by the hips, pressing against her as he nudged her backwards until the backs of her knees hit the edge of the bed. She pulled him down with her as she fell back, clinging to him and the heat of his bare chest pressed to hers._

_Asuna's head was spinning - everything was moving so fast. Kakashi's hands were everywhere, learning every dip and curve of her body with trembling fingertips. She nearly opened her eyes, whining as he drew away, but then he was tugging at her shorts, and she lifted her hips so he could pull them off, leaving her bare before him at last._

_She heard him inhale deeply, could feel his eyes raking down her body, drinking her in. She squirmed under his gaze, fighting the urge to open her eyes, to look at him, her heartbeat seeming to echo in the dark, louder than the rain pounding against the window. Even louder still was the sound of his pants hitting the floor, the soft thud magnified tenfold by the anticipation burning through her, the electricity singing through her nerve endings._

_Neither of them knew what they were doing, but they were about to figure it out together._

_Asuna whimpered when Kakashi's fingers touched her thighs, trailing a line of fire up the soft skin. Each touch was an exquisite torture, setting her body alight. He hesitated, but only for a fraction of a second before nudging her legs apart with his knee, one hand stilling on her hip, the other brushing experimentally between her thighs. The gentle sensation made her moan, and the sound seemed to encourage him._

_She couldn't help but rock her hips forward against his hand as he slipped a finger inside her, tentatively exploring her damp heat, and he swore under his breath at the motion, sounding entirely overwhelmed. She liked that - the low, breathless way he uttered expletives. She wanted him to make that sound again. She ground up against his hand again, and suddenly the mattress shifted as he leaned forward, planting his free hand to the side of her, breath hot and heavy against her chest. She could feel heat radiating off his cheeks._

_"Stop that," he groaned, yielding to her touch as she cupped his face, pulling him up to meet her in a soft kiss, though his fingers stilled. It seemed his nerves had eradicated his ability to multi-task. He ended the kiss quickly - too quickly. "You're making it so hard to focus-"_

_"Here," she murmured, kissing him again, one hand slipping between their warm bodies to gently grasp him. He whimpered, actually_ whimpered _, at her touch, burying his face in her neck as she slowly stroked his hardening length, then guided him to her entrance. "It's okay. I'm clueless, too."_

_Asuna winced as Kakashi slowly slid into her, biting her lip to stifle a low groan. It wasn't an overwhelming pain, but it did hurt slightly as her body adjusted to a pressure between her thighs that she wasn't used to, the feeling of Kakashi experimentally moving his hips._

_It was hardly the magical experience that novels and magazines made it out to be. It was uncomfortable, Kakashi's movements clumsy and uncoordinated, his body warm and sweaty against hers. He didn't once lift his face from her neck, his hands clenched around the sheets to either side of her, but she occasionally felt his lips brush her skin, heard him sigh, the only indication that his mind was still here in the room with her._

_Suddenly, he shuddered, hips jerking slightly against hers, and then he stilled with a soft sigh, body relaxing on top of hers. He stayed there for a moment, breathing heavily against her neck, then rolled off of her. She felt the bed shift, the shuffle of clothes._

_"I'm leaving tomorrow," she said quietly, opening her eyes to stare at him, his back to her as he pulled his shirt back over his head, fixing his mask over the lower half of his face._

_"Yeah." Covered once more, he turned to face her finally, but she noticed that he couldn't quite look at her, his open eye fixed on a point above her head. "I know."_

_"Kakashi..." She sat up, biting her lip. She didn't know what to say. There was only one thought in her mind, but she didn't know if it was something he wanted to hear. He turned, picking up his chestplate, and the words slipped out. "Please don't go."_

_"I... I can't, Asuna." She didn't miss the way his voice wavered on the words. "I need to-"_

_"I don't know when I'll get to see you again._  If _I'll get to see you again. Please." She stood, wincing at the soreness between her legs, walking over and gently curling her hand around his arm. He tensed at her touch. "Kakashi..."_

_"What do you want me to say, Asuna?" Kakashi turned to face her, but didn't pull his arm from her hold. His visible eye was full of pain. "You're leaving, and you're probably not going to come back. It's easier if I just leave now, and then-"_

_"I'm coming back." Her hand tightened on his arm when he drew back, holding him in place. Her heart clenched at his reaction. "No, no, listen to me, Kakashi. I don't care if I have to wipe Suna off the map to do it, I will come back." She pulled him into a tight hug before he could respond, but he just stood there, stiff in her arms. No matter what she said, he wouldn't hear a word of it, not until she was walking back through the gates of the village alive. Sighing, she drew away, catching his hands as she released him and tugging him back toward the bed. "Please stay."_

_He followed, unable to say no._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOW BOUT A FLUFF/SMUT BREAK YALL. I think we deserve it :) Things are about to get pretty intense from here on out.


	19. Summons

The first warm rays of the sun had barely begun to peek over the horizon when Asuna woke. For once, the birds that had made their home outside her window were quiet - eerily so. Even through the ache in her head and the haze of sleep still heavy in her mind, she had a strange feeling, like something was wrong.

The feeling was only amplified by a knock on her door, the sensation of an unfamiliar chakra. Rolling out of bed, she dressed quickly, her apprehension growing as she walked out to the door and unlocked it. She opened it to find a member of ANBU standing on the other side – from his mask, she suspected it was Kakashi's teammate Tenzo.

"The Hokage would like to see you," he said without preamble, and that worried her. For the Hokage to summon her so early, something must be terribly wrong.

"Do you know what it's about?" she asked, leaving the door open as she tugged on her sandals, picking up her keys from the table by the door and following him. He shook his head, waiting patiently while she locked up.

"He summoned Team Ro, as well," Tenzo answered, taking the lead as they made their way through the village to the Hokage's Residence. Her heart leapt into her throat - Team Ro meant Kakashi, and the memory of her dream from last night made heat rise in her cheeks. If Tenzo noticed, he didn't say anything, holding open the door for her when they reached the residence, then following her inside.

Kakashi and Itachi were already waiting in the Hokage's office when they arrived, and she felt Kakashi's eyes on her as she fell in beside him, bowing respectfully to the Hokage.

"What is this about, sir?" Asuna asked as she straightened, shifting her weight from foot to foot and resisting the urge to look over at Kakashi, instead watching the Hokage, who was studying a scroll in front of him.

"I have a mission for the four of you," the Hokage answered finally, looking up. "About an hour ago, we received intel that the man that you encountered while you were following up on the rumors regarding Orochimaru may have resurfaced in Takanobe. You are to locate this man, and upon positively identifying him, bring him back to the village for interrogation."

"If that's the case, sir, why not send me with Genma's team, since they were with me last time? Why is ANBU involved?" She didn't need to see Kakashi to know that he tensed at the mention of Genma's name, looking at her, but she ignored his piercing gaze, keeping her attention firmly on Hiruzen.

"Considering what happened last time, I felt it best to send a more specialized team," Hiruzen replied, clasping his hands on the desk in front of him. "Genma is also still restricted to duties within the village while he recovers, though he refuses to tell me what happened. Perhaps you would know, Asuna?"

"I'm afraid I don't, sir," Asuna answered, her hands clenching behind her back, changing the subject back to the mission. "Respectfully, this is an ANBU mission, I'm not sure that going with them is the best idea. I would just be in the way."

"On the contrary, Asuna. You have seen this man up close," Hiruzen responded, leaning forward with his elbows on the desk. "That makes you the only shinobi in the village that can positively identify him. Your participation in this mission is crucial."

"Sir-"

"No more arguments, Asuna. You should depart within the hour, Captain Kakashi will brief you on the any other details. Dismissed." Hiruzen waved them out, and Asuna fell into step behind Kakashi, eyeing the man's back. This would probably not turn out well.

Kakashi stopped in the hall, gesturing for his teammates to go ahead while he turned to Asuna. She had never hated that damned mask as much as she did right now, unable to see his expression behind the white porcelain.

"Thank you," he said quietly, avoiding her eyes. "For not telling Lord Third-"

"I didn't do it for you," she interrupted, narrowing her eyes at him. That he would dare to thank her for that irritated her. "Be honest with me, Kakashi, what are the specs of this mission? The real specs, not whatever Lord Third has ordered you to tell me."

"You know I can't-"

"This man might be my brother." Asuna's eyes narrowed further, and she crossed her arms over her chest. "I know. I know that sounds crazy, Akio is dead, right? But his body was never found. He might still be out there, this might be him. So I need to know. Are your orders to kill him?"

"If we're unable to capture him, yes," Kakashi responded after a moment. Her shoulders tensed at his answer, and he sighed. "I promise you, I'll do whatever I can to take him alive." She flinched when his hand moved toward her, and he froze, eyes widening behind his mask. "Asuna..."

"I'll meet you at the gates in twenty minutes," she said curtly, pushing past him, ignoring the confused looks that Tenzo and Itachi gave her as she passed them.

Her heart was pounding in her chest, so hard it physically hurt. She had known that the man that looked so much like her brother would show up again, but she hadn't expected it to be now, and she hadn't expected him to be so close. Takanobe wasn't too far from the Leaf, a small but bustling town with questionable nightlife - what would he be doing there? As curious as she was, she was also terrified.

Then there was the fact that she'd be going on this mission with Kakashi. She understood the Hokage's reasons for choosing ANBU, and for ordering her to tag along, but that didn't mean she had to like it. She'd wanted to see Kakashi again on her terms, but now she was being forced onto a team with him. Literally any other ANBU team could do this mission, yet Hiruzen had selected Kakashi's. It was, frankly, infuriating, but the more she thought about it, the more sense it made.

Still, she didn't like it. They had never been on a mission together before, and they weren't exactly in the best place to be going on one now. But orders were orders - she would have to make this work.

Asuna readied herself quickly, going home to gather her necessary supplies, ensuring she had plenty of kunai before locking up her apartment again. She was restless, though she wasn't sure if she was more nervous about the mission, or about having to spend time with Kakashi.

Sighing, she headed through the village toward the gates. It was time to put all of that from her mind and focus on the mission ahead.

Team Ro was already at the gates, though instead of their usual uniforms, they were wearing plain black clothes, hooded, cream colored cloaks with two red stripes around the bottom wrapped around their shoulders. In lieu of his hitai-ate, Kakashi had wound bandages around his head, hiding his Sharingan. So they were going undercover.

"Here," Kakashi said as she approached, holding out a cloak to her. She took it, draping it over her shoulders. "Are you ready?"

"As I'll ever be," she replied, fastening the front of her cloak. "Let's go."

Takanobe was a day's journey away from the Leaf Village, and night was beginning to fall by the time the lights of the town came into view. A few kilometers away, Kakashi called for them to halt and set up camp.

"I'll keep watch," Asuna volunteered immediately, ignoring the look Kakashi shot in her direction. She was nervous, more so than she'd been before, and it didn't escape Kakashi's notice.

She didn't need to feel Kakashi's chakra signature to know that he was following her as she walked away from camp, picking a tree not too far away to perch in. She didn't say anything as he joined her on the branch, and neither did he - for a while, they just sat there in silence, and it reminded her of the time they had spent together before she had left for the desert.

"Asuna, I'm..." He was the first to break the silence, but he didn't seem to know what to say. It didn't take a genius to figure it out, though.

"I know," she said, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. His own eye was staring straight ahead, his expression blank, empty. "I heard you the other day."

"I tried to convince Lord Third to send another team," he replied after a moment, sighing. "He wouldn't listen."

"He never does." Asuna couldn't help but chuckle, and he finally looked up at her - she thought she saw a flicker of hope in his eye. "It's okay. You're one of the best trackers in the village, it only makes sense that he'd choose you." She fell silent for a while, until finally, she turned so her back was against the trunk and watching him with guarded eyes. He looked like he wanted to say something, but wasn’t sure where to begin. Sighing, she closed her eyes. "Look, Kakashi, I... I want to talk, I really do. But I'm just not ready yet."

"All right. I'll come back to swap you out in a few hours." He hesitated, watching her for a moment, then leapt down from the branch. As she watched him leave, she realized that she didn't want him to - she had, despite everything, found his presence calming.

"You don't have to go," she said quietly, but he was already gone.

Sighing once more, she settled in for a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm. Mystery man makes his reappearance at last. :) So the team selection for this mission was pretty specific, and there's a larger reason for why I chose who I did, which you will find out soon. :)
> 
> Takanobe is a made-up town, I needed a town a specific distance and couldn't find one that was mentioned in canon.


	20. Rubatosis

Asuna followed quietly behind Team Ro, listening to Kakashi describe the plan, feeling a sudden wave of deja vu as he explained that they'd be splitting off to search. Takanobe wasn't a big town by any means, but the crowds, both resident and tourist, tended to be on the larger side, which would make their search all that more difficult. They had a lot of ground to cover, and Kakashi was only giving them an hour before they were to regroup.

She understood his hesitance to spend more time than was necessary in the town - the longer they spent there, the more likely it was that someone would realize they were shinobi, and the entire plan would fall apart. There were so many things that could go wrong, and it worried her. But she didn't raise her concerns - she was sure Kakashi had already thought of everything.

Itachi and Tenzo split off as soon as they reached the gates, but before Asuna could walk through them, Kakashi caught her arm. The contact made her flinch, but she turned to face him, waiting patiently for whatever it was that he seemed to have on his mind.

"Be careful," he said simply, his visible eye unreadable beneath the shadow of his hood. "If anything happens..."

"I can take care of myself." She couldn't help but give him a reassuring smile. It was touching that he was so worried, and she had to fight down the urge to step closer and kiss him. It hurt, how much she missed him. "I'll see you in an hour." Before he could say anything else, she turned and hurried off.

She worked through her section of the town slowly, keeping her senses on high alert as she scanned the crowds. It was exhausting, monitoring every single chakra signature around her - she was grateful that unlike other sensors, she didn't need to spend time focusing her chakra to be able to sense others, but that didn't make it any less exhausting, especially monitoring such large quantities all at once. She wasn't able to keep it up long.

Walking slowly through a large crowd of people, she continued scanning the faces that passed by. They were all beginning to blur together, nothing really jumping out at her.

Then she saw him.

He was leaning against the wall of a nearby building, studying something in his hands, oblivious to the world around him. He must have felt her staring, though, because he looked up, and Asuna froze when his dark eyes met hers, just like they had outside the ramen shop months ago. He stared for a moment, his eyes widening in recognition, and then he turned, hurrying off.

_No. Not again_. She couldn't freeze up this time. She had to go after him.

"Wait!" Asuna called, pushing through the crowd. He didn't stop, picking up his pace. "Fuck. Get out of the way!" She finally broke free, sprinting after him, pushing out her senses until she locked onto his chakra.

The darkness radiating off of him sent chills down her spine. She had thought Kakashi's chakra was dark, but his was nothing compared to the feeling she got from this man. His chakra was distorted, wrong... evil.

He disappeared into the trees beyond the town, but she could still feel his chakra - that bothered her. Last time they had fought, he had vanished without a trace in seconds. Why wasn't he doing that this time?

"Go home!" His voice called from the trees ahead of her, and she ducked behind a tree as a barrage of kunai came at her, flinching as they thudded into the wood, followed by a sizzling sound - paper bombs. She turned and ran, but she wasn't fast enough, and the force of the blast sent her flying forward. Stars danced in her eyes as she slammed into a tree, but she shook it off, clutching the tree to steady herself.

It took her a while to regain her bearings, for the ringing in her ears to subside, but finally, she pulled it together, focusing on his chakra again - he had stopped. Two hundred meters ahead. She pressed on.

Asuna broke through the treeline into a clearing, eyes landing on the man, waiting for her.

"You need to turn around," he said, his blank, emotionless voice making her shudder, but she reined in her fear. She would not let him see that she was afraid. "If you don't, I-"

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard it before," she replied, holding her arms out at her sides as she approached, palms facing him. "Look, I just want to talk, okay?"

"Go." His eyes narrowed as she continued creeping forward, ignoring his words of warning. "Now."

"I don't think you want to hurt me." Asuna stopped a few paces away, keeping her hands up and watching him carefully. Her gaze was drawn to the way his fingers were flexing at his side, as if contemplating reaching for the sword she could see behind his shoulder. If her hunch was wrong, she was dead. "If you did, I'd be dead already, wouldn't I?" He didn't answer, and she took that as a sign to continue. "Who are you?"

"You seem to think you already know," he answered finally, his eyes narrowing. "You're persistent, I'll give you that. This is twice now."

"I'm going to guess people don't usually survive the first time. You know, you could have gotten away," Asuna said, lowering her hands to her sides. He tensed, hand clenching, and she raised them again. "Sorry. This is just a little uncomfortable, you know? I'm not going to do anything."

"Are you looking for Orochimaru again?" he asked, keeping his expression guarded.

"No, this time I was looking for you," Asuna answered, noting the way his eyes closed for a moment, his facade slipping. "You attacked me and my team last time, you had to have known that we would come looking eventually. We informed all the village guards in the Land of Fire to be on the lookout for you."

"I know." Something about the way he said that made her heart ache. "I'm sorry." He moved quickly, before she could react, and she cried out as her back hit the hard dirt, his weight heavy on her stomach as he pinned her beneath him. His dark eyes were cold as he raised his kunai.

"Wait!" She flung her hand up between them to block the blade, and then he froze.

His eyes widened, breath catching in his throat as he stared down at her hand. Her heart began to beat a rapid staccato in her chest as the kunai fell from his fingers, barely breathing as he slowly released her other wrist, cold fingers hesitantly tracing across the scar on her palm. There was only one reason he would react like that, and the thought knocked the wind out of her. She lowered her voice, gaze steady as it found his. "It is you, isn't it?"

"I-" Suddenly, he rolled off of her with a cry, clutching at the back of his neck as he got to his feet and backed away. "No. No, I won't-" Black marks that almost looked like a pattern of veins were beginning to spread up the side of his neck and across his face, and he dropped to his knees with a groan.

Grabbing the kunai he had dropped, Asuna scrambled to her feet, taking a defensive stance. She had no idea what the hell was happening, but then his head snapped around to look at her, and his eyes sent a rush of fear through her - the whites were black now, his pupils a startling yellow, narrowed into a glare.

Her grip on the kunai slackened, shock rendering her motionless, unable to breathe. She knew what those eyes meant.  _He has a curse mark._ The realization made her take an involuntary step back as he got to his feet, drawing his sword. This was bad - she didn't have a choice anymore.

She leapt back out of reach as he charged at her, fingers dipping into her pouch. She ducked his next swing, hand arcing up, planting a paper bomb on his sword arm before rolling away, squeezing her eyes shut as she formed the sign to detonate.

_I'm sorry_. The blast knocked her off balance, and she threw out her hands to catch herself as she pitched forward. Suddenly, a foot caught her in the stomach, and she fell to her side with a loud yell of pain. He was standing over her, unharmed - he must have pulled the tag off before it blew. Swearing, she scrambled to her feet, bringing up her kunai to block his sword.

"Snap out of it!" she yelled, grunting and stumbling back as his fist connected with her ribs, barely getting her kunai back up in time to block again. His next blow caught her square in the face, leaving her dazed. "Please-"

Suddenly, all the air rushed out of her at once. Asuna's eyes widened as she slowly lifted her head to meet his - the black was already fading, the marks receding. His wild anger was gone now, and all she saw there was fear.

She knew then, beyond a shadow of a doubt. She knew before she saw the regret in his eyes, she knew before he spoke her name. She knew.

Her knees gave out.

Everything went black.

\---

Kakashi drew his hood tighter around his head, glancing over his shoulder at the group of men standing near a doorway just behind him, eyeing him suspiciously. Nothing on his person identified him as a Leaf shinobi, but that didn't stop him from worrying that someone might recognize him. They needed to be able to get close enough to the man they were tracking for Asuna to identify him - if he caught wind that Leaf shinobi were poking around, he would undoubtedly run, and they would lose their chance. No matter what, he couldn't let that happen.

This was no longer just about orders for him. Asuna had spent the last eleven years thinking her brother was dead - if there was any chance, any at all, that this man might actually be Akio, despite how crazy and impossible the prospect sounded, then Kakashi would do everything in his power to make sure they brought him in alive.

He sighed when the gates came into view, Tenzo catching his eye as he approached. His kohai shook his head - it seems they'd had about as much luck as he had.

"Where's Asuna?" Kakashi asked when he reached them, glancing between Tenzo and Itachi, who both shrugged. "Damn it, I told her an hour-" Suddenly, there was a loud explosion from the north, fire rising through the trees. He glanced at his team, who gave him quick nods of affirmation, and they took off in the direction of the blast, past the wall surrounding the town and into the forest beyond.

Smoke hung thick in the air between the trees, making it hard to breathe, but Kakashi paid it no mind, his senses on high alert. He had no doubt that the explosion had been Asuna's doing, but he still needed to be prepared for the possibility that it wasn't. He shed his cloak and unraveled the bandages covering his eye as they ran, preparing for whatever might come.

"Do you hear that?" Tenzo asked, and Kakashi strained his ears, but he couldn't hear it. Suddenly, there was another explosion, this one closer than the last, followed by a loud yell. _Asuna_. "Over there!"

The sound of metal striking metal met his ears as they drew closer, and Kakashi sped up, urging Itachi and Tenzo to do the same. The sound of his heartbeat was growing louder in his ears, drowning everything else out. Every sound, every thought, all of it was gone. All he could focus on was getting to Asuna.

They broke through the trees and into a clearing, and everything around him stopped.

_Too late._

Asuna and the man were just ahead, Asuna staring at him wide-eyed. Her shoulders trembled, and her mouth opened, blood spattering across the man's face. Kakashi's eyes were drawn to how close their bodies were, pressed nearly chest to chest, and the glimmer of a blade, smeared crimson, sticking out through Asuna's back.

"No!" The word tore from his throat in a strangled scream, and he was moving before his teammates could stop him, sprinting across the distance that separated them.

Time felt like it slowed around him as he watched the man wrap one arm around Asuna's waist, catching her as her knees buckled, the other lifting, throwing something down... and then the air filled with dark grey smoke, obscuring them both from view.

"Asuna!" he yelled, coughing violently as the smoke filled his lungs, spinning around, trying to see through the thick fog. _Don't be dead. Please don't be dead._ "Asuna!"

"Captain," Itachi's voice cut through the ringing in his ears, and he turned, heart dropping when he saw the younger shinobi through the clearing smoke, kneeling by a puddle of blood. "This is a lot of blood. Do you think she's-"

"Don't even say it," he growled, eyes narrowing. Itachi stared right back, unflinching.

"What are your orders, then?" his kohai asked, getting to his feet.

Kakashi had no idea. He couldn't think. He turned, pacing away, trying to push the image of Asuna from his mind, trying to focus, to remember what he should do. _Panicking won't help. Breathe. Think._

He suddenly stopped pacing, bringing his hand up to his mouth to bite his thumb, breaking the skin and drawing blood. His hands were shaking so hard he almost couldn't form the signs, but then he knelt, pressing his palm to the ground.

"Summoning jutsu!" Another puff of smoke, white this time, filled the air, and when it cleared, there were eight dogs in front of him. He didn't give any of them a chance to ask what was going on. "The enemy has Asuna. Fan out, find the trail." Kakashi tried - and failed - to hide the tremble in his voice, to still his hands. He was on the brink of full-blown panic - this wasn't the time to freak out. _Keep it together._ "Tenzo, Itachi, you too. Let's go."

They spread out to search, but not even the dogs could pick up a single trace.

They were gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rubatosis: the awareness of your own heartbeat.
> 
> SO. Some stuff happened huh? What happens next I wonder? :)


	21. The Death of Asuna Shiratori

Pulling up her scarf to hide her face, Asuna walked toward the village, feeling the eyes of the guards on the upper ledges watching her as she approached. She'd just reached the entrance to the valley when she was stopped, the shinobi in front of her studying her with wary eyes.

"What is your business here?" he asked, voice stern, harsh. She had been told not to expect a warm welcome, so his attitude was unsurprising, but his glare still startled her.

"This." She reached into her pouch, pulling out a scroll and holding it out to him. It was simple intel, a list of dates and times that Leaf shinobi would be conducting training drills near the border, but it still made her nervous to hand it over. She knew Lord Third couldn't risk not sending teams on those dates - she just hoped that giving the Sand Village this intel wouldn't get anyone killed. "I need to speak with your Kazekage."

"Yes, you certainly do, don't you?" The shinobi looked up from the scroll, still wary, but curious now, as well. "Come with me." Nodding, she followed him into the village. He was silent the entire walk to the Kazekage's office, but she could feel him glance at her every now and again, his grip on the scroll tightening each time. They were nearly there when he spoke again. "You're a Leaf shinobi."

"Formerly," she replied, keeping her eyes fixed ahead. "My apologies, but I would rather explain all of this to the Kazekage, not a third-rate gate guard."

"I'll have you know, I'm a high-ranking-" He stopped mid-protest when she turned to smile at him, the expression clearly throwing him off.

"I don't care," she said sweetly, stopping while he opened the door to the Kazekage's Office. She waited for him to enter first, following behind him. Her eyes were everywhere as they walked along the circular hall, taking in everything. Finally, he stopped outside a large set of double doors, and while he knocked, she pushed out her senses - four chakra signatures on the other side... but then her attention was drawn to a fifth signature. This one was different. It wasn't in the room on the other side of the doors, this one was further away, but it was larger - much larger - emanating dark power. Its commanding presence was almost overwhelming.

She had felt chakra like that once before, the night the Nine Tailed Fox attacked the Leaf Village. _So they do have a tailed beast._ She wasn't given any time to think about it, following the guard through the door as it opened.

"Isao, you've returned," a red-haired man sitting behind the large oak desk near the line of windows said as they entered, his eyes falling on Asuna, immediately wary and distrustful. "Who is this?"

"A Leaf shinobi, sir," the guard replied, bowing respectfully before striding forward, placing the scroll Asuna had given him on the Kazekage's desk. "She claims to have defected, and brought this."

"Instead of putting her in chains, you brought her to my office?" the Kazekage snapped, but picked up the scroll anyway. "There had better be a good reason for..." He trailed off, staring down at the scroll, brow furrowing as he read its contents. "I see." He looked up again, this time at Asuna. The Yondaime's look of distrust did not change. "What's your name, girl?"

"Asuna, sir," she answered, bowing as Isao had just a moment ago.

"Asuna. What is the meaning of this?" He held up the scroll, eyes scanning its contents once more before fixing on her. "Leaving your home to walk unarmed into an enemy village is a bold choice."

"Let's just say that Hiruzen Sarutobi and I have some... philosophical differences," she answered, never once breaking eye contact with the Kazekage, whose eyes widened slightly at her answer, but otherwise betrayed no reaction. The lie she'd practiced so carefully during her journey here fell easily from her lips - too easily.

"Why come to the Village Hidden in the Sand?" Behind his distrust, she saw a flicker of curiosity. Emboldened, she took a step forward, closer to the desk. He stiffened at her approach.

"The Hidden Leaf took everything from me." She stopped half a pace from his desk, her expression guarded. "I despise Hiruzen Sarutobi and all that he stands for. His weak and ineffectual leadership will do nothing but bring the village I once called home to ruin, and given all that's happened, all that I lost there... I'd like to help hurry that process along." She switched gears, one lie flowing effortlessly into the next. She felt Isao's hand on her arm, a gesture of warning, but she shook him off. "I've heard the rumors, Lord Kazekage, I know the treaty with Konoha is a farce. You despise my village as much as I do. So I believe that we could help each other."

"The Hidden Leaf must have done something truly deplorable to make you so willing to betray them," the Kazekage mused, setting down the scroll and resting his elbows on the desk, steepling his fingers. "Very well. I shall give you a chance to prove yourself. These training drills due to begin in a week, you will be there. I will consider your elimination of these Leaf shinobi as a gesture of your intentions. If you should fail, know that the punishment is death."

"I look forward to it, sir," Asuna responded, forcing a smile, but her heart was racing in her chest. Shit. She had known he would ask her to do something to prove her loyalty, but she had not expected this.

"Wait in the hall," The Kazekage ordered her, before turning his attention to Isao. "You, stay."

Asuna left, leaning against the wall once she was in the hall and struggling to control her breathing. She needed a plan. Tipping off the Hokage was not an option, and she doubted she would be sent to deal with the Leaf shinobi on her own. If she let them go, the Kazekage would find out. She couldn't kill them, but she couldn't afford not to, either.

Would genjutsu work? She was terrible at it - entirely hopeless, really - but if she practiced, maybe she could create a genjutsu convincing enough to make the Sand shinobi believe that the Leaf shinobi were dead... No. A week was not long enough to make that plan work.

She needed to come up with something, fast. She was on thin enough ice as it was - her lie was flimsy, and she wasn't entirely sure that he believed her reasons were enough to make her leave the Leaf, let alone hurt its people. He was curious about her, though, and that worked in her favor.

And then there was Isao. She had been wrong about him being a gate guard - from the way the Kazekage had spoken to him, it was likely he was a part of his personal guard, and that was also to her advantage. If she could get close to him, gain his trust, she would have a direct line to the Kazekage's council. The question was, though, how far was she willing to go to do that?

The answer was a simple one - if it meant going home sooner, back to Kakashi, she would do anything. She would sacrifice every part of herself to this mission if that was what it took.

The Hokage's last words to her before she departed echoed in her mind - _whatever it takes_.

She knew what she had to do.

\---

Three months had passed, and Asuna was already beginning to go insane. The faces of the men she had killed haunted her, branded into her mind. She could still see their eyes widening in recognition despite the scarf covering most of her face, one of them had even gasped her name as he died.

She had known this mission would be a difficult one, that she would do more than one terrible thing before it was over, but that didn't make it any easier for her to accept that this was more important than the lives of shinobi she knew, shinobi that had trusted her. She found herself wondering the same thing that Kakashi had asked her, the night before she'd left. _Why me?_

Honestly, she didn't know if the lie she had told Rasa about hating the Leaf and Hiruzen was truly a lie anymore.

Was this worth it? Was the intel they needed from the Sand worth her losing her honor, her sanity, sacrificing every part of herself that made her who she was? She wasn't sure anymore.

Asuna was only three months in, and she was ready to run. She wanted to go home, straight into Kakashi's arms. She understood now why he isolated himself, why he refused to let people in. Being made to do such awful things on a near daily basis made her feel dirty, unable to look at herself in the mirror, let alone at other people. She didn't know if she could keep doing this.

Suddenly, an arm draped, warm and heavy, across her stomach, wrapping tighter around her when she shifted. It took her a moment to remember where she was, what happened, but then it hit her like a ton of bricks. _Sake, burning its way down her throat. Sun-chapped lips, quick and insistent on hers, calloused hands sliding beneath her shirt-_ Oh, no.

_Isao_. She couldn't deny that his presence was a warm comfort that made each long day she spent in this foreign land, surrounded by people who didn't trust her, easier to bear. She appreciated his kindness, his companionship, but this... she had never intended for things to go this far.

"Morning, beautiful," he mumbled, breath hot against her skin as he leaned in to kiss her cheek.

"Good morning," she murmured in response, rolling onto her side to face him as he pulled her closer, kissing the tip of her nose this time. She forced a smile, hoping it looked genuine. _Maybe this won't be so bad. Maybe this could help._ "How did you sleep?"

"Extremely well." He smiled, this time his lips finding hers. Even as she returned his kiss, her mind was drawn to Kakashi as he pushed her over onto her back, seeking a repeat of the events of last night.

Kakashi. Thinking about him hurt, but it was the only thing keeping her sane.

\---

Days blurred into weeks, into months, into years. As much as it disgusted her, giving herself over so completely to the enemy, Isao's companionship was invaluable. His position gave her nearly unfettered access to Suna's leader, and if she had to sacrifice her body to keep it, then so be it.

_Whatever it takes to go home to Kakashi._ It was that thought she repeated to herself every night when Isao slipped into her bed, pretending to enjoy his attentions. Imagining that he was Kakashi made it easier, yet she still found herself crying in the shower after, scrubbing the scent of him from her body until her skin was raw and red. _Whatever it takes_. Each time was more agonizing than the last as her grip on her sanity continued to dwindle, making it harder and harder to remember Kakashi's face. _I want to go home._

Three and a half years had passed since Asuna had said goodbye to Kakashi, goodbye to her home... and she was done. She couldn't do this anymore. Her observations of the Kazekage, conversations she had eavesdropped on, conversations she had had with Isao... none of the information she had gathered was actionable. Nothing she had learned spoke to any great threat to the Leaf Village... except perhaps the existence of the tailed beast. They tried to keep it from her, but she heard villagers whispering, something about someone named Gaara and how he kept losing control.

_Gaara - possible Jinchuuriki_ , she wrote in the log she'd been careful to keep in her time here. _Suna is host to a Tailed Beast, that much is certain. I can feel its chakra, dormant for now, but rumors circulating seem to suggest that the Jinchuuriki host does not have control. The Kazekage is very quiet about it all, when I ask he brushes me off. I can't risk asking again, he's growing suspicious of me. I think that it's time for me to conclude this mission and return home - if I stay any longer, I'm afraid I will either die or lose myself completely. Perhaps both._

_I have no words for the atrocities I've committed in the name of protecting my village. No amount of apologies can make up for the things that I've done, the lives that I've taken. I know that. I accept full responsibility for my actions, and I'm willing and ready for whatever comes next._

_I leave tonight under the cover of darkness. If I should fail to escape, if I should die before I make it back to the village and someone manages to recover my body, I hope this message finds its way to the Hokage._

_Lord Third, if I do die, please pass on two messages for me._

_The first message is for Genma. Tell him I'm sorry that I didn't say goodbye, and that his friendship meant more to me than he could ever know, more than I could ever express. He and his mother were the family I needed when I had none, and I love them both dearly._

_My second message is for Kakashi. Tell him I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise._

_This is my last entry. I'm coming home... I hope._

Sighing, Asuna laid down her pen, rolling the scroll and applying the seal, tucking it into her pouch. The sun was beginning to sink outside - she needed to move soon.

Gathering what few belongings she had, she wrapped her scarf around her neck, pulling it up to cover her face. The instant the sun disappeared beneath the horizon, she threw open the window, climbing out and making her way silently across the rooftops. She was nearly to the entrance to the village when a loud roar echoed through the night. She spun, eyes widening as she saw the source of the noise - atop the Kazekage's office, a large tan beast stood, head tipped back as he roared to the sky. _The Tailed Beast._

"Oh, fuck." She turned, nearly losing her balance as she leapt to the next rooftop. She had to get out of here.

Below, the guards were rushing toward the Tailed Beast, oblivious to Asuna moving in the opposite direction overhead. As terrified as she was, this was perfect - she could make it out before anyone noticed she was gone, too busy with the Tailed Beast... But she should have known that her easy escape was too good to be true.

The sandstorm struck quickly, and with no shelter in sight, she was left in the open, stuck in the swirling sands.

When it finally cleared, she had lost all sense of direction. She didn't know if she was still moving out of the desert, or if she was going back toward the village... not that it mattered. She'd barely been gone a day and a half when the Kazekage caught up with her, his guards surrounding her.

He didn't have to say anything, and neither did she - he knew.

This was it. She was going to die here.

Rasa's eyes fixed on something behind her, and then he nodded. Asuna stumbled forward with a scream as she felt a blade slash across her back, cutting to the bone. Rasa caught her as she fell, and she exhaled sharply as the sword in his hand pierced through her body. His free arm wrapped around her as her knees buckled, twisting the blade as he lowered her to the sand.

"The sands will bury you, if the vultures don't find you first," he murmured, and she gasped as he pulled the blade from her body, slumping forward. She felt something, warm and wet, against her cheek. _Blood. Her blood._ "We're done here. Let's go." He walked off, leaving her there to die in the sand.

And she was dying. She knew she was dying. Her chest was filling with blood, each breath was more difficult to draw than the last, her vision darkening. She had told Kakashi that she would come back, had promised to tear apart heaven and earth to do it, but she had failed.

"I'm sorry," she choked out, blood gurgling in her throat, flooding her lungs. _I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen._

_Kakashi_. She would give anything to see him one last time, to hold him again, to hear his voice. _I never got to tell you..._

"Asuna!" A voice cut through the fog beginning to descend on her, and she lifted her head, squinting. Someone was coming toward her, the sun glinting off his pale silver hair... _Kakashi_. Then he was beside her, sand spraying up as he dropped to his knees, rolling her onto her back.

"Kakashi..." she mumbled, her blood-slick hand catching his. "It doesn't hurt anymore." Tears blurred her vision, and he began to swim in and out of focus. "That's... that's bad, isn't it?" No answer. She supposed that made sense - he wasn't really here. "I'm sorry... I know I promised. I tried..." She sucked in a trembling breath, hand tightening on his. "I should have told you how... how I felt... when I had the chance..."

"Stay still." It sounded like his voice, but at the same time, it sounded... different. It sounded distant. Distorted. "It's all right."

"Of course it is... I'm with you..."

There was a smile on her face as the dark closed in around her.

Suddenly, everything went brilliantly white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL. Suna at last. :) I'm not 100% sure about how I have her just straight up telling Rasa "I hate the Leaf let's team up" and him being like "Yeah okay prove yourself and you're in"... but at the same time, it makes sense? Rasa hates the Leaf, I feel he'd jump at the chance to have a Leaf shinobi with her knowledge of the village on his side.
> 
> This does jump around quite a lot, I thought I'd focus on the important parts of her time in the sand, and hopefully the transitions work well and it's easy to follow how these events all piece together.
> 
> And yes, there is a reason that this follows the cliffhanger of the last chapter. Stay tuned... :)


	22. Home

The first thing Asuna noticed was the cold. It was freezing wherever she was, and she wondered if she was in hell.

Then she noticed the pain, burning through her chest. _You don't feel pain if you're dead_. She was alive. How was she alive?

She felt a sharp sting, and the darkness took her once more.

\---

Asuna didn't know how long she floated in and out of consciousness, not entirely out of it but not fully aware, either. Someone was there with her, she knew that much, tending to her wounds with rough, calloused hands. They worked in silence, and occasionally she felt a warm burst of chakra over her chest - medical ninjutsu. Was she home? Was she in the hospital in the Leaf? She tried to ask, but she couldn't speak.

Whoever it was kept her sedated, never once allowing her to regain full consciousness. She was both resentful and glad for that fact - as much as she wanted to know where she was, the sedatives kept the pain at bay. She'd been hurting for so long, it felt good to be numb.

One thing that worried her, however, was how little she remembered of her time in Suna. Even the things she could recall were fuzzy. She didn't know if it was a side effect of the sedation, amnesia, or repression of trauma - all she knew was that no matter how much she tried, she couldn't pull the events into focus, and every time she got close, her healer would dose her again and she would drift back off.

Not that she minded. She welcomed it, even - when she slept, she was with Kakashi.

\---

Eventually, the healings stopped, but the sedation did not. Asuna was no longer a patient, but a prisoner, kept locked in her head at the whim of whoever had saved her. The only thing she knew about them was that for some reason, they didn't want her to die, and even though she was a captive, that thought was oddly comforting.

Then one day she woke and the fog had lifted. She kept her eyes closed, worried whoever was with her would notice and drug her again, but when she expanded her senses, she found herself alone - they were gone. Opening her eyes at last, she slowly sat up, ignoring the wave of dizziness that washed over her at the motion, looking around.

She was in a cave of some kind, lit by a gently flickering fire, but she wasn't alone like she had thought. Across the cave, a man sat by the fire, covered by a dark hooded cloak and reading a book. He was concealing his chakra.

"You're finally awake," he said without looking up. She strained her eyes, but she couldn't make out any of his features. "I apologize for keeping you sedated for so long, I had to give your body an adequate amount of time to heal and replace the blood you lost. You should take it easy - that cut across your back was poisoned, it's healing rather slowly."

"Where am I?" It took her a few tries to form the words, her throat sore and voice hoarse from lack of use. "How long have I been here?"

"I found you four months ago," he answered, finally closing his book and setting it aside, though he still didn't look at her. "We're in the Land of Fire, about two and a half days journey from the Village Hidden in the Leaves. That's where you're from, isn't it?"

"Four months?" She turned, leaning back against the wall of the cave and watching him warily. _Four months. That means it's been... four years since I've been home, give or take_. He shrugged, offering no other answer, and she felt a surge of irritation at his response. "You kept me sedated for four months? Why not just take me home? Who the hell are you, anyway?"

"I hardly think it matters," he replied, beginning to fidget with the hem of his cloak. After a moment, he got to his feet. "It's time for me to be going. There are clean clothes and provisions in that pack to your left, along with your belongings. I'd recommend at least a few more days of rest to regain your strength. When you do leave, if you turn left you'll find yourself heading due east, back toward the village." He didn't give her a chance to respond, turning and walking away.

"Wait!" Asuna called after him, and he paused, turning his head to show that he was listening. "You saved my life. Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me," he responded after a moment's hesitation, facing forward again. "Be safe."

Asuna watched him go, then, ignoring his advice, got to her feet, digging through the pack he'd mentioned and pulling out a set of clothes. She nearly cried when she saw the familiar red swirl pattern on the sleeves of the dark shirt, the green of the flak jacket. It felt so good to put on the Hidden Leaf uniform again, and she relished in the sound the zipper on the flak jacket made as she pulled it up. It reminded her of home.

She checked to make sure all her belongings were in the pack before closing it and picking it up, slinging it over her shoulders. The man was right, she should rest, regain her strength after being mostly unconscious for four months, but she wanted... no, she _needed_ to go home. She’d waited four years for this moment.

_Four months_ , she thought, shaking her head as she followed the path the man had taken on his way out. She understood why he had done it, but it was still four months of forced captivity, four months she could have spent at home in the village, had he bothered to take her there... Though how had he known that she was from the Village Hidden in the Leaves? None of this really made sense to her.

Sighing, Asuna stepped out of the cave, squinting at the harsh glare of the sun, though as much as it hurt her eyes, she welcomed its warmth and light after so long spent in the dark. Once her eyes had adjusted, she turned left and started walking.

In her weakened state, what should have been a two and a half day journey took nearly a week. She kept having to stop and rest, unable to make it more than a few kilometers before her knees were trembling and she was out of breath. She regretted her choice to ignore the man's advice, but she'd come this far. _Just a little further_.

Finally, _finally_ , she saw walls in the distance, rising over the horizon. Then the symbols painted over the gates came into view, and relief flooded through her, filling her with a joy she hadn't known in a long time.

She was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EHHHHHH. Sorry this chapter is super short, it's important to the story (though not nearly as important as part one of the Suna flashback) but there just wasn't as much to say.


	23. Love & Loss

Kakashi angrily paced the hall outside the Hokage's office, ignoring Tenzo's attempts to speak to him, to offer some meaningless words of consolation. He had been banished to the hallway while Itachi gave the mission report, unable to keep his cool long enough for Itachi to talk - he was too angry, too afraid. His fear only fueled his anger - he wanted to scream, hit things, _break_ things, and the feeling only intensified when he saw Genma, running down the hall toward them. He turned his back to the older shinobi, drawing a deep, shaky breath, clenching his fists to still the tremors.

Not only had they failed the mission, he had failed to protect Asuna. He had failed to protect the one person he had left, the one person he cared most about in this world, and it was killing him. She was out there with the enemy, possibly dying, possibly dead already, and there was nothing he could do.

Pain shot through his hand as he drove his fist into the wall, the wood cracking inward, splintering into his knuckles. He was losing it, so fucking close to falling apart completely. This was agony - no. Agony was too mild of a word for it. This was hell.

He spun around when the door opened, storming through it before anyone could stop him. Even Itachi jumped as he slammed his hands down on the Hokage's desk, but Hiruzen just stared up at him, unblinking.

"What the hell were you thinking," he growled through gritted teeth. It wasn't a question, and Hiruzen raised an eyebrow at his insolent tone. "Sending her out there with me, with _me_ , knowing full well that everyone around me fucking _dies_ -"

"Kakashi, calm down-" Tenzo interrupted, or perhaps it was Itachi, maybe even Genma - he wasn't sure who, he didn't really care. He was entirely focused on the Hokage, who had yet to betray a flicker of emotion, anything, and he was getting angrier by the second.

"Do you even care?" he spat, his fingers clenching around the paper beneath his hands, crumpling it. "Do you even give a single fuck that she's out there, that the enemy _took her_ , that she'll die - or worse - if we don't go out there and find her?"

"From what Itachi has told me, it's highly likely she's dead already," Hiruzen said finally, and while his tone was calm, flat, his eyes told another story, flicking away from Kakashi's intense stare. "I am sorry, Kakashi, I truly am, but we must look at the facts. Asuna Shiratori was killed in action."

"I refuse to accept that!" He was almost yelling now, gripping at his hair as he spun away from the desk and paced away, trying to keep hold of his last shreds of rationality, to keep from completely falling apart because once he did, there would be no going back. He lowered his hands to his sides as he turned, ashamed to suddenly feel tears pricking his eyes - tears of pain, or anger, or complete and utter helplessness, he wasn't sure. "She's not dead. She's not. She is still out there, and instead of arguing about it we should be looking-"

"What makes you so sure?" It was Itachi that interrupted this time, and he turned his glare on his kohai. "You saw the same thing I did, Captain. That amount of blood from a singular wound? I doubt anyone could survive that."

"I'd know." Kakashi's voice dropped low, taking on a dangerous edge, and he returned his attention to the Hokage. "If she were dead, I'd know." _There would be no light left in the world_. "While you all sit here on your asses, I'm going to go look for her."

"You will not leave the village," Hiruzen snapped, getting to his feet, his eyes narrowing as they met Kakashi's.

"Is that an order, _sir_?" Kakashi asked coldly, glaring right back at him. He knew he should be careful, but he wasn't thinking straight anymore. He couldn't. Whatever the Hokage's answer, he'd still go. He wasn't going to leave Asuna to die.

"Does it need to be?" He was unwavering beneath Kakashi's stare, despite the difference in their heights and that Kakashi had seen a lot more combat than he had in a long time. "You are too close to this, Kakashi. You need to calm down-"

"Calm down? _Calm down?_ " He strode forward again, shaking off every hand that attempted to stop him until he was in the Hokage's face. He was yelling now, probably about to get himself arrested, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything but getting the fuck out of this office and finding Asuna. "This is your fault! She thinks that man is her brother, and you sent her out there, you put her in danger, and for what? Some pitiful hope that we'd find a lead on Orochimaru? If you hadn't let Orochimaru go in the first place-"

"That's enough!" The older man's voice echoed in the room, his calm facade gone now, replaced by seething anger. "She was selected for this mission for the same reason I selected her for the Suna infiltration mission - if she found him, she was the one who could bring him back. The _only_ one-"

"He was in Suna, too?" Kakashi didn't know that he could possibly get any angrier than he already was. "Did she know?" He was met with silence. Suddenly, what Hiruzen had just said fully sunk in, and all the air rushed out of Kakashi at once when he realized what it meant, a fresh wave of rage surging through him. "Fuck. It was Akio, wasn't it? He's been alive this whole time. You knew he was alive and you didn't think to fucking tell her?"

"You'd do well to remember that I'm the Hokage." Hiruzen was visibly trying to reel in his anger, to speak calmly, but Kakashi could tell he was was really pissing him off. "I've forgiven your behavior so far because you just lost someone, but I will only tolerate so much-"

"Please, don't pretend you care," Kakashi growled. It took everything he had to resist the urge to strike the old man. He couldn't believe this. "You let Asuna believe her brother was dead for eleven years. Eleven fucking years thinking she had no one, do you understand how much that hurt her? Do you even care?"

"You are entirely too close to this, Kakashi," the Hokage repeated quietly, eyes narrowing further. Kakashi didn't miss how he avoided his question. "Go home. You're restricted to the village until further notice."

"Yes, _sir_." Kakashi glared at him a moment longer, then turned and stormed out of the office. He was fuming. He was so furious, so terrified, he couldn't even see straight, vision tinged red around the edges. He didn't even know he was home until he was slamming the door behind him, so hard that it just bounced back open. He turned to shut it properly, freezing when he saw Genma standing on the other side. He hadn't even noticed the other Jonin following him.

"Can we talk?" he asked, senbon making a distinct _click_ as his teeth closed on it. Kakashi just stared for a moment, then nodded curtly, stepping back to let him in.

"What do you want?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest as Genma glanced around his living room, eyes drawn to the floor in the middle of the room.

"That's where you found him, isn't it?" Genma asked, turning around to look at him again, holding up his hands defensively when Kakashi glared. "Never mind, sorry." The other man was hiding it, but he could tell from the furious way he was working his senbon, the way he avoided mentioning his true purpose for this visit, that he was as afraid as Kakashi was. "Here's the deal - I agree with you. Asuna's still out there and we need to be looking for her. So I say we go."

"Why would you help me?" Kakashi watched him warily, but as much as the man irritated him, in this moment he was glad that he was Asuna's friend. Not that he'd ever admit it.

"I'm not doing it for you," Genma replied, still chewing on that damn senbon. Kakashi had the sudden urge to yank it out of his mouth; he couldn't stand the _click_ sound his sensitive ears picked up every time it bumped Genma's teeth.

"That's not what I mean. You could have just gone on your own. Why include me?" He leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes. _Click. Click_. Genma seemed to be unsure what to say.

"Because she loves you," he said finally, and Kakashi's eyes shot open again. He had not been expecting that. "I won't pretend I understand it, or that I agree with it, because I don't. You keep hurting her, over and over again, and you and I both know she deserves better than that. But for some reason, she loves you anyway." Kakashi just stared at him, completely dumbfounded.

"She told you that?" He hadn't meant to ask, but he couldn't help himself.

"No, but it doesn't take a genius to figure it out," the other man answered, shrugging one shoulder. "Look, I saw how you were acting in the Hokage’s office, and I know you didn't ask, but I'm going to tell you what I think, anyway. I think you love her, too, and it scares the hell out of you." Genma watched him for a moment, waiting, but Kakashi didn't know what to say, and the older Jonin sighed. "We're going to find her. And when we do, you need to make a choice - man up and tell her how you feel, or let her go. Personally I'd suggest you choose the latter, but it doesn't really matter what I think. I just want her to be happy, even if it's with you."

"I'm not the one that makes her happy," Kakashi muttered indignantly, giving Genma a pointed look when the other man raised his brow.

"What, me?" He laughed, shaking his head. "No. No, we're just friends."

"Come on," Kakashi scoffed, rolling his eyes. "I've seen the two of you together, you're closer to her than anybody. Then there was that night on the training field-"

"Your observation skills need some work," Genma retorted, chuckling. "We're so close because we grew up together, my mother took her in after the fire. As for what you saw on the training field, that wasn't what it looked like. You would have figured that out pretty quickly if you'd stopped to ask." Kakashi was silent for another long, drawn out moment, and then he sighed, shifting uncomfortably.

"I'm sorry about that." Genma's good eye widened at the apology, but otherwise, he didn't react. Glancing away, Kakashi took a moment to collect his thoughts before looking at the other Jonin again. "When are we leaving?"

"Nightfall. Raido, Iwashi, and I will meet you at the western gate," Genma answered, heading for the door. "Make sure your ninkin are ready, we're going to need them."

"You know we could get arrested for this, right?" Kakashi asked, pushing off the wall as the other Jonin passed him, watching him as he walked out the still open door. He paused just outside, turning his head to smirk at him.

"You could. He didn't ban me from going." With that he turned and walked off, leaving Kakashi to stew in his thoughts.

Nightfall couldn't come quickly enough. Kakashi spent the rest of the day pacing his living room, back and forth, back and forth. He was anxious - every minute spent still in the village was another minute Asuna was trapped, wounded, with the enemy. He didn't care that Akio was Asuna's brother - he was still the enemy, had still tried to kill her. He was itching to kill him for that... but Asuna would never forgive him. He would have to think of a non-lethal way to make the other man suffer.

Finally, the sun sank below the horizon. Kakashi had considered leaving a shadow clone, but he had a feeling if the Hokage did come by, he wouldn't be fooled, so he didn't bother. He checked his supplies, then left, locking the door behind him.

As promised, Genma's team was waiting at the western gate. Raido gave him a cold look as he approached, but didn't say anything - Kakashi suspected Genma had told him the truth of what happened to his face.

"Probably should have asked earlier, but is that going to be a problem?" Kakashi asked, gesturing to Genma's swollen eye. He could practically hear Raido grinding his teeth in irritation. "All right, agreed, I probably should have guessed that something like this was going to happen and not acted in a moment of blind rage that would only make the mission more difficult. My apologies." He couldn't hide his sarcasm, but he did resist the urge to roll his eyes. "Let's just go before Lord Third tries to stop us." He took off running before anyone else could say anything.

They stopped in every small village and town between Konoha and Takanobe, despite knowing how unlikely it was that Akio would take Asuna closer to the village - in fact, the opposite was probably true. But they stopped to check anyway, though they didn't stay long.

They slept sparingly, only a couple of hours before continuing, too anxious, too afraid, to stop moving for too long. Kakashi especially didn't sleep much, far too wound up to even consider it an option.

_Hang in there, Asuna_ , he thought, glancing back at Genma, who looked as focused and determined as he did, then Raido, then Iwashi. _We're coming_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEW. Back in the current timeline :) So I'm sure how Kakashi is acting probably seems OOC, but let's remember he's scared. He thinks he's gonna lose someone else and he's lashing out. Poor Kakashi. I have a love/hate relationship with making him suffer.


	24. Rising Sun

Kakashi was no stranger to darkness. He'd been living in it for so long that he'd forgotten what the light looked like, forgotten its warmth, until Asuna had come into his life like the sun beginning to rise, the promise of an end to what felt like an endless night. But with each failure, with each passing second of each long day, that light was beginning to fade, taking his hope right along with it. He was no longer able to ignore the persistent thought in the back of his mind that maybe he was wrong.

Still, he refused to give up. He would tear apart the universe to find her, even if all he found was a corpse. At least then he would know, but that thought didn't make it any easier. It did nothing to lessen his pain.

He tried to hide that pain, to bury it inside him and focus on the mission, but he was in a steadily quickening downward spiral, becoming increasingly erratic. He was no longer above using threats and intimidation in his attempts to gain information - he wasn't proud of it, but the thought of Asuna, wounded and alone with the enemy, took away every shred of his rationality. _Whatever it takes_.

Genma and his team weren't oblivious to the rapid decline of his mental state. He could feel them watching him, heard them whispering when they thought he was out of earshot. They wanted to go home, that much was clear. Even Genma seemed to have lost hope.

Kakashi supposed he couldn't blame them. They'd been scouring the Land of Fire for two weeks now, and they hadn't found a single lead, a single shred of evidence that Asuna was still out here. He had brought up the possibility that she wasn't even in the Land of Fire, but when he suggested extending their search to neighboring lands, Raido had shot him down. He understood their hesitation, but that didn't mean he agreed with it.

It would be a risk, going into one of the neighboring lands to search. Despite the end of the war, tensions were still high, and none of the other villages would take too kindly to a Leaf shinobi poking around. If he did this, he would need to be careful, or risk starting an incident. The question was, how to get away from Genma's team? If he just took off, they would follow, try to drag him back. He was sure he could take them, but they'd been selected for the Hokage's personal guard for a reason, and it would be difficult to dispatch all three of them at once.

Kakashi was still going over his plan in his mind as they set up camp for the night. While Iwashi made a small fire, Kakashi volunteered for first watch. Genma looked at him warily, but didn't say anything as he set off through the trees, finding a tall, thick oak a short distance from camp. He climbed it with ease, settling on a high branch.

He'd barely been there five minutes when he heard the creak of wood, followed by a snapping sound - Mokuton. Tenzo. He shoved off the branch, leaping down, but a tendril of wood wrapped around his ankle before he made it far, leaving him dangling upside down in the air. He could see Tenzo crouching where he'd just been sitting, hands pressed together in a sign and face hidden behind his mask.

"I have orders to take you back to the village, Senpai," Tenzo said, standing up and lowering his hands to his sides. "Come with me willingly, or I have no choice but to restrain you and drag you back."

"Let me go," Kakashi growled, glaring down at his kohai and straining against the wood wrapped around his leg, but it didn't budge, and neither did Tenzo. He could feel the pressure building in his skull as his blood rushed to his head.

"If I do, will you come with me?" Tenzo asked, sighing when Kakashi shook his head. "I know you don't want to hear this, but Asuna is gone. I'm sorry, but you need to give this up and come back to the village."

"Shut the hell up," he spat, anger making his blood boil. "Just shut the hell up, what do you know?" He knew it wasn't his kohai's fault, that he was just following orders, but the boy was right - he didn't want to hear it.

"I know it's been two weeks, and you haven't found her." Tenzo hesitated, then pulled off his mask. His face was expressionless, but even from where he hung, Kakashi could see the pain in his eyes. "You can't run from the truth forever, Senpai. Asuna is gone, you need to let her go."

"Oh, fuck you!" Surprise and hurt flashed across Tenzo's features at Kakashi's harsh words, and he felt a twinge of regret. He hadn't meant to lash out at Tenzo, who was only trying to help, but he was angry, hurting in a way he had hoped to never have to hurt again. The worst part was, he knew his kohai was right. He knew the facts, he knew the medicine of it. It was unlikely Asuna had survived the initial wound, and even if she had, two weeks was a long time to go without treatment. The last vestiges of hope were beginning to disappear, but he didn't know what else to do - how could he give up? "Everyone that I've lost, there was never anything I could do to save them. If there is still a chance, no matter how slim, that I can save Asuna, how can you stand there and ask me to walk away?"

"Because there is no chance, and you know that." Tenzo lowered his voice, looking away from his superior. "I'm sorry, Kakashi." It was the first time that his kohai had ever dropped the honorific and called him by his name, and the sorrow in his voice, the pain in those simple syllables... it nearly broke him.

Asuna was his light, his one remaining shred of hope. She was the only one who believed that he could be better, the one that made him _want_ to be better. How was he supposed to let go of that? How was he supposed to let go of _her_?

His chest tightened, and he wished he could turn away from his subordinate to hide the tears that burned in his eyes. His fists clenched, nails digging into his palms, trying to force himself to calm down, to gain some semblance of control over his emotions... _A shinobi must never show their tears_.

"I'm going to let you down now," Tenzo said quietly. Kakashi just nodded, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to fight back the tears and bury the pain that was burning a hole in his chest. People called him heartless - and in this moment, feeling the agony of losing another person he had let himself care about, he wished he was.

Kakashi sank to his knees the instant his feet touched the ground, looking up when he heard his kohai land lightly in front of him. The boy knelt down, placing what was supposed to be a comforting hand on his shoulder, but all it did was make the pain in his chest tighten.

"Nothing makes sense without her," he said quietly, closing his eye when Tenzo exhaled softly. The boy seemed as surprised as Kakashi was by his sudden admission. He tried to keep his voice steady, to control his emotions the way he had been taught, but it was useless - the pain was too much. He felt like he was suffocating. "I don't... I don't know how to be the person she thought I could be without her. How..."

"You'll figure it out," the boy murmured, gently squeezing his shoulder. "You aren't alone in this, I'm not going anywhere. I'll help you." He fell silent, waiting patiently as Kakashi tried desperately to pull himself together before he completely fell apart.

He had hardened himself after he lost everyone else, killing off every part of him that felt anything real until he was numb and utterly dead inside. After that, closing himself off from the world and refusing to let anyone get close had been easy, until Asuna had torn down all his walls, filling the hole in his atrophied heart with a warmth he didn't deserve, breathing new life into his dessicated lungs. Now all of that had been torn away, and he was lost.

He wasn't sure how long they stayed there like that, Kakashi trying to regain control and Tenzo offering the only comfort he could think of, but finally, Kakashi forced himself to shrug off Tenzo's hand and get to his feet, the world spinning around him as his head adjusted to being upright again. His breathing was still ragged as he followed Tenzo back to camp, where Itachi was waiting with Genma, Raido, and Iwashi, the other shinobi already packed up and ready for the journey home.

"I can't promise the Hokage won't throw you all in cells when we get back," Tenzo said, glancing at Kakashi out of the corner of his eye. "But I will tell him that you came willingly. Let's go."

The entire team was silent as they set a path back toward the Hidden Leaf, running nearly non-stop, only breaking for a couple hours of sleep and some food pills before continuing. The breakneck pace was exhausting, but Kakashi couldn't deny that he was a little glad for the distraction - instead of focusing on Asuna, he had to focus on keeping himself awake.

The sun was just beginning to rise when they reached the village. The Hokage was waiting for them at the gates, his expression neutral as he greeted them. He wasted no time on pleasantries, turning and leading them through the village.

Kakashi grew more agitated with each step they took, until they turned down a side street and he realized they weren't going to the Hokage's office. His heart leapt into his throat when he realized where they were, and he turned his head to look at the Hokage, who nodded, and then Genma, who looked as shocked as he felt.

"We will talk later, at length, about your insubordination," the Hokage said suddenly, snapping them from their stupor. "Go."

Kakashi couldn't move fast enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst, are you really all that surprised lol. Not gonna lie bits of this were heartbreaking to write, poor Kakashi just can't catch a break. It was pretty nice to have him actually open up for a change, and I think Tenzo was the perfect choice for that conversation ngl. Anyhoo I hope you liked it! :)


	25. Time Stands Still

The sharp smell of antiseptic filled Kakashi's sensitive nose as he and Genma followed a medic-nin through the halls of the hospital. The woman's slow pace was driving him insane, he was itching to grab her and just demand to know where they were supposed to go, they would undoubtedly get there faster that way, but finally, they stopped outside a closed door.

"I can give you ten minutes," the medic-nin said, but Kakashi ignored her, throwing open the door and stopping dead in his tracks. Someone was sitting up in the bed, completely wrapped in a blanket with their back to them as they stared out the window, but they turned when they heard the door, and everything around him stopped when she smiled. _Asuna_.

"Shit." Genma was the first to react, crossing the room and pulling her into a tight hug, but her bright blue eyes were fixed on Kakashi even as Genma wrapped his arms around her, and he couldn't tear his gaze away. She was pale, paler than before, exaggerated by the inky curtain of her hair, and a dark, angry purple bruise flowering across her temple. She looked tired, but the way her eyes lit up when she saw him, the smile on her face... it knocked the wind out of him. He wanted to go to her, to push Genma aside and wrap his arms around her and never let go again... The urge was nearly overwhelming, and it terrified him.

It was all he had been able to think about for the last two weeks... but he couldn't do this.

Kakashi could see her smile beginning to fade as he turned and left the room, shutting the door behind him.

He couldn't breathe, couldn't see anything but the bright blue of her eyes still burning into his. He planted his hands on the wall opposite the door, leaning forward until his forehead pressed against it, trying to force back the memory of her being stabbed that was beginning to surface, that moment where fear had flooded through him, that instant where he had thought he'd gotten someone else he cared about killed. He knew he should just be happy she was here, that she was alive... but part of him wasn't even sure she was real.

Kakashi forced himself to take a slow, deep breath, remembering something Asuna had told him a few weeks after his breakdown - when he felt unsteady, like he did right now, he needed to find something to ground himself, something to focus on that would clear his mind.

_She loves you_. Genma's voice, echoing in his head, telling him three words he had never expected the other man to say, three words he wasn't sure he believed, three words that had turned his world upside down. _She loves you_. It didn't make sense. All the things he had done, how could it be true? If it was, he didn't deserve it. _She loves you_.

He nearly jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, had to force himself to remain calm, composed, as he turned to find Genma standing behind him.

"She's asking for you," he said quietly, pulling his hand away, his expression neutral, but Kakashi could see worry and a hint of irritation in his eyes. "Remember what we talked about before we left. It's decision time."

"I know." Kakashi sighed, but made no move to step around the other man, his eye fixing on the door. _She loves you_. Could he really do this? He didn't know how he was supposed to face her, knowing that what had happened was his fault. _She loves you. You can do this_. Taking another deep breath, he nodded, and Genma stepped aside to let him past. He hesitated with his hand on the door, then slid it open, stepping through and closing it again behind him, his attention focused on the simple action. Even as he turned, he kept his gaze down, on the floor.

"Kakashi," Asuna murmured, drawing his attention up, focusing on her hand, outstretched toward him. He stepped forward without thinking, taking it, allowing her to pull him closer, down onto the edge of the bed. He didn't fight it as she wrapped her arms around his neck, his own arms curling around her against his will, crushing her to his chest. He couldn't help but bury his face in the crook of her neck, inhaling deeply - beneath the distinct smell of hospital, he caught a waft of a gentle spring breeze on her skin, mingling with something soft and floral. It was a scent that was so distinctly her, it made his chest ache. He exhaled slowly, clutching her tighter.

"Asuna," he mumbled, unable to fight a shiver as her nose brushed against his neck through the fabric of his shirt. He had never really let himself be this close to her before, and as much as the sheer intimacy of the moment, innocent though it may be, comforted him, it was also terrifying. "You're here, right? This is real? I'm not hallucinating again?"

"I'm real," she murmured back, still smiling as she drew back, just enough to look at him, fingers brushing gently through his hair. "I'm okay. I-" She let out a soft huff when he pulled away, getting to his feet and pacing away. "Kakashi..."

"This is my fault," he said, stopping by the window. He turned to face her again, but he couldn't meet her eyes. "I said we should split up, I'm the one that let you go alone-"

"Stop," Asuna interrupted, her tone sharp, but not unkind. It was enough to give him pause, but not enough to make him look up at her. "This was not your fault, do you understand me? Look at me." He couldn't, and she raised her voice. "Look at me!" His gaze dragged slowly up to meet hers, finding her blue eyes narrowed at him - he was used to the expression, used to seeing it directed at him, but that didn't make it any easier to see. He was tired of seeing her look at him like that. They narrowed further when he opened his mouth. "No. Do not speak. Don't say a single word until I'm finished, and if you even so much as look at that door and think about running out, I swear I'll hurt you. Nod if you understand." He just stared at her, completely bewildered, and then he nodded. "Good. Now listen. This little self-condemnation thing you always do, blaming yourself for everything... It's ridiculous."

"Asuna, I-"

"I said don't talk, didn't I? Was that part not clear?" Asuna demanded, raising a brow. His own eyes widened in response, and after a moment, he sighed, shaking his head. "Kami, you're impossible. It's one of the things I absolutely _hate_ about you. For fuck's sake, Kakashi, I just... Fuck." Hate. That single word cut deeper than a knife. She shrugged off the blanket, getting to her feet and striding over to where he stood, reaching up with one hand to grasp his chin, fingers clenching into his cheeks, forcing him to keep looking at her when he tried to look away. "This was not your fault. Just like Minato wasn't your fault, or Rin, or Obito, your father... None of it was your fault, but you shouldered the blame anyway because that's what you do, you take it all on so no one else has to. I don't know if it's because you truly blame yourself or if it's some twisted way of taking care of everyone else, but you've been carrying that weight for too long, and I won't let you carry this, too."

"Asuna..."

"No." Her eyes were blazing, full of worry and fear and a hint of something else, something he couldn't read, buried beneath her anger. "You have a problem, Kakashi, you need help. I think maybe you're starting to realize that or you would have walked out the minute I started talking. And maybe... maybe you don't know who you are without that pain, who you'll be if you let it go, but you have to try. I know it doesn't feel like it sometimes but you are _alive_ , you have a chance to do better. To _be_ better. The people that you lost, they loved you, but they are gone, and they wouldn't want you to suffer like this. It's okay to let them go and find peace. You just... you have to try." She released his chin, the anger fading from her eyes as she stepped back. "You _have_ to try, Kakashi, and if you won't do it for yourself, do it for your old team. Do it for your father." She stared up at him for a long, tense moment, biting her lip when he didn't say anything, hiding any and all outward reaction. She seemed to realize he wasn't going to say anything, because she sighed and changed the subject. "I, uh... I don't know if you figured this out yet, but I was lying. When I told you I didn't care, I was lying," 

"I know." Kakashi said after an awkward pause. He watched her for a moment, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, wondering if she was done. He could feel the words buzzing around in his skull, demanding to be said, but he didn't know if he could say them, and if he did, if they'd come out right. He had to be the one to do the right thing here.

"I do care," she said, averting her eyes, leveling her gaze at his chest. "I care a lot. Frankly, I hate how much I care because I know I shouldn't. After everything, I shouldn't give a damn about you, I should _hate_ you, but I... I can't."

"I know." He hesitated, then reached for her, fingers stilling millimeters from her hands. Could he do this? He wasn't so sure.

"I don't know if I can trust you." Asuna looked up to meet his eye again, shivering when his fingers brushed hers.

"I know." _Don't_. Touching her now would only make this more difficult. But still, he didn't move to pull away.

"I'm willing to try if you are." Her voice wavered, and so did his resolve. "Whatever this is... I'm willing to try, but things have to be different. I won't push, but when you're ready, you have to talk to me. Sex is great and all, but you can't keep bottling everything up or you'll explode again."

"I know." As he stood there, searching her blue eyes like they held the answers to the universe, Kakashi knew, with stunning, almost painful clarity, that as much as this hurt, as much as his instincts were screaming at him to bolt, as much as he knew he needed to take Genma's advice and let her go... he couldn't. Just like the night before she'd left, the night she asked him to stay, he couldn't leave, for the same reasons he'd gone to her that night in the first place, the same reasons he'd risked his life and his freedom to go after her. For the same reasons he knew he  _should_ let go, he also knew, without a single shred of doubt, that he couldn't.

"Stop saying you-" Asuna froze when his hands closed around hers, pulling her closer and dipping his head to kiss her, the fabric of his mask rough against her face. It was quick, barely lasting a second before he drew back, giving her no time to react. She just stood there blinking rapidly, mouth opening and closing like she wanted to say something but couldn't find the words.

"You talk too much," Kakashi said, releasing her hands and taking a step back, his voice appearing to pull her from her state of shock. He wasn't sure about this, at all, and it was most definitely a bad idea, but even if it ended badly, in this moment it felt right. "So we try. It won't be easy."

"Nothing is with us," Asuna replied without missing a beat, smiling up at him. After a moment, though, the expression faltered. "I haven't forgiven you, you know. It's going to take time."

"That's okay. I haven't forgiven me, either. I don't know if I ever will." He watched her a moment longer, desperately wishing there was a way for him to take it all back. Finally, he heaved a sigh, shaking his head to try and clear his jumbled thoughts. He needed to leave. He wanted to be alone for a while, then he remembered the Hokage needed to speak with him. "I should go, the Hokage is waiting." He turned to go, but her voice stopped him at the door.

"There's something different about you," she called after him, and he turned to look at her again, cocking his head to the side in confusion. "What happened?"

"You almost died." The answer needed no thought, no careful selection of words - they were the first, of hopefully many, completely truthful words that she would hear from him. He couldn't help the smile that tugged at his mouth behind his mask, reaching back to slide the door open.

"Kind of puts things in perspective doesn't it?" she asked, grinning, but he didn't answer, stepping back and shutting the door.

As he walked down the hall, tucking his hands into his pockets, unsure what was waiting for him in the Hokage's office, the full weight of his decision settled on him. He was always making selfish decisions, but those were different, designed to protect, to keep people away so they didn't get hurt. This decision brought Asuna closer to the danger, closer to him. He had made this decision because he didn't know how to let her go, because being around her felt good, made him feel alive... And somehow, that was worse.

What had he done?

\---

Asuna sank down onto the edge of the bed once Kakashi left, picking up the blanket and wrapping it around her shoulders again. She had barely had five minutes alone since she'd woken up in the Leaf hospital last night, and while she was appreciative of the medical ninja's attentions and Genma and Kakashi's visits, she was relieved to finally be alone. She'd grown accustomed to being by herself over the last two weeks, and while she was glad to be home, around the people she loved, she found herself missing the peaceful solitude of the cave and the stoic, distant company of her brother.

She wondered where Akio was now. He'd left in a hurry one day, leaving her alone in the cave once he'd decided she didn't need his medical assistance anymore, telling her to stay there until she was stronger. She had listened to him this time, spending a week and a half there before making her way home. She'd worried about him the entire time - when he'd left, he said he was going to make things right. What had he meant?

Sighing, she turned, laying back on the bed and wrapping the blankets tighter around herself. So much of this still didn't make sense. It had been impossible to get answers out of Akio, about anything - he'd spoken maybe ten words to her the entire time they were together, and six of them had been apologies. He wouldn't tell her where he had been for the last eleven years, why he didn't try to find her, why he had a curse mark... He hadn't given her anything, and it was frustrating. Infuriating, really - she was his sister, she deserved to know. She had actually considered ways that she could drag the information out of him, force him to talk, but he'd left before she could.

"Oh, Akio," she mumbled, closing her eyes. "What have you gotten yourself into?" A huge mess, apparently. Wherever he was though, she just hoped he was safe - she _just_ found him, she didn't know what she would do if she lost him again. _No. Don't think about that now_.

Kakashi. She could think about Kakashi. Their encounter had left her confused - he seemed so different than before, and she sure as hell hadn't expected him to kiss her, especially when the look in his eye had spoken of a different ending to that conversation. But something had changed in him, and now things between them were shifting in a direction that left her unsure where they were going. He had agreed to try, but did she believe him? He'd been suffering at the hands of his past traumas for so long, she didn't know if he knew how to even begin to let go of their weight.

But he had said that he would try, and that was progress, however small a step it might be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AYYYY. I'm alive and so is Asuna. After all that straight up angst, here's a bit of fluff(y angst)! :))


	26. Being Human

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts and could be triggering.

Sighing, Asuna closed the door to her apartment, kicking off her sandals. She didn't bother to lock it, she'd sensed Kakashi's chakra following her all the way from the hospital - it wouldn't be long before he showed up. Since they'd restarted their... whatever it was, any moment he wasn't busy with his ANBU duties, she could feel his chakra nearby, keeping an eye on her from a distance. She would have preferred that he actually visit, but this was his habit - whenever anything happened between them, he would distance himself, taking his time to process before finding his way back to her.

Dropping onto the couch, she leaned back and closed her eyes, waiting for the inevitable open and close of her front door. Even when it did happen, she kept her eyes closed, until she felt the couch cushions shift, a warm leg pressing against hers. She turned her head to look at him, smiling when she met his steady gaze.

"I'm sorry I never came back," Kakashi said quietly, resting his head on the back of the couch, expression guarded as he watched her. "The Hokage's been keeping me busy." It wasn't entirely true, but she didn't question it.

"How did it go with him?" she asked, reaching up to wipe a smudge of dirt from his exposed temple. For once, he didn't tense at the contact, instead leaning into her touch. "Genma told me what you did for me. I bet Lord Third was pissed."

"Very much so," Kakashi answered, closing his eye as her fingers trailed gently down his cheek before she pulled her hand away, letting it rest half on her thigh, half on his. "He didn't yell and he didn't throw me in prison, though, so it could have been worse."

"You're lucky he's got a soft spot for you." Asuna bumped his knee with hers, grinning. He didn't return the gesture. "Thank you, though. Everyone else was willing to write me off, but you and Genma took a big risk for me. It means a lot." She paused, tapping her fingers thoughtfully. "Why did you do it, anyway?"

"You're too stubborn to die so easily," he replied, mask shifting slightly as he smiled, and even though she couldn't see it through the black fabric, just knowing that it was there made her feel warm. It was the second time in two days that she'd gotten a smile out of him, and she liked it. She wanted to make him smile more often. "Besides... if you died, even if I was nowhere near you and had no clue what happened, I'd know. I don't know how, but I'd just... I'd know."

"That's... surprisingly sweet." Her knee bumped his again, her grin widening. "And a little cheesy. You sound like you've been spending some time with Genma."

"No, definitely not," he grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest and looking away from her with an annoyed huff. "I still don't like him."

"Relax, I'm only teasing." She couldn't resist reaching over to ruffle his hair, backing off when his eye narrowed and he growled low in the back of his throat. "Sorry, guess we're not there yet. You know, you should try to get along with Genma. He's my best friend, and that's not going to change just because you and I are fucking around."

"Fucking around? Is that what this is to you?" Kakashi asked indignantly, suddenly angry, jerking away from her like he'd been stung. "If that's the case, what am I doing here?"

"I don't know what this is," Asuna answered, keeping her voice low, calm and reassuring. "I know what I want, what I'd like this to be, but somehow I doubt that you're there yet, and I'm not going to pressure you to define it when you're clearly not ready. So until you are, it is what it is. Baby steps." She smiled at him when he began to relax again, settling back on the couch. "There's no rush, Kakashi. I'm patient and I'm not going anywhere. You can count on that."

"And what is it you want?" She could hear the hesitation in his voice, saw the way he shivered when she turned so she was sitting facing him, her fingers brushing against his cheek again.

"I would have thought that was obvious," she responded, lowering her hand to Kakashi's thigh, thumb stroking across the coarse fabric of his ANBU pants. "Wow. How people call you a genius is beyond me, you're so dense." Her teasing smile lessened the sting of the insult, but he still let out an indignant huff, rolling his eye. "Relax, Kakashi, I love that you're so oblivious. Makes you seem more human." His visible eye widened, and she could practically see the gears turning in his head, could only imagine what he was thinking. She hesitated, then leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to his lips over his mask. She had a feeling she knew which part he was hung up on, he would need a moment to process. "I'm going to get some takeout. Will you wait?"

"I shouldn't," he mumbled, but he made no move to leave, forcing an apprehensive smile behind his mask. "But I will."

"Good." Asuna grinned at him, then got to her feet. "I'll be right back. Don't move." As she headed for the door, though, her smile fell.

He had said he would stay, and she wanted to believe him, but as she pulled on her sandals and left, shutting the door behind her, she couldn't help but wonder if he'd still be there when she got back.

\---

_"I'm home!" Kakashi called, sliding the door shut and pulling off his sandals. There was no response, the house silent as the grave. "Dad?" He turned, fear turning his body to stone as his wide eyes took in the scene before him. His father was lying on his side on the living room floor in a steadily growing pool of blood. "Dad!" His bag dropped to the floor with a loud thump, and he was at his dad's side in a second, blood splashing up as he dropped to his knees, rolling his father onto his back._

_All the air rushed out of him when he saw his father's tanto on the floor beside him, his fingers still wrapped around the handle and the silver blade stained crimson._

_"Dad!" Kakashi pressed his shaking hands to the wound, eyes burning with tears. "No, Dad, don't leave me. Don't leave me!" He needed to get help, but he couldn't move, his body frozen as he leaned over his dad, trying to staunch the bleeding. Sakumo's chest was moving - barely, but it was moving - as he took shallow breaths, but his eyes were closed and he didn't seem to know his son was there. "Don't leave me, dad, please. Please don't leave me."_

_Sakumo's chest heaved as he took one last, shuddering breath, then his body stilled... and Kakashi's world shattered._

_"No, come back!" He collapsed on top of his father, clutching at his shirt. He tried to hold back the tears - good shinobi don't cry, after all, his father had taught him that - but the stabbing pain in his chest and the burning in his eyes couldn't be denied. "Please dad, don't leave me all alone." His shoulders shook with a violent sob, his fists clenching around his father's shirt._

_He was known as a genius. An aloof and arrogant prodigy, someone likely to surpass every other shinobi that had come before him, including his father. But in this moment he was just a child acting his age, scared and helpless as he cried over the lifeless body of the only family he had left._

_"Give him back," he pleaded to whatever god would listen, squeezing his eyes shut as if that could drive away the pain. He flinched when a loud clap of thunder echoed through the room, seeming to shake the walls. "Give him back! Give him back!"_

"Give him back!" Kakashi sat up with a sharp gasp, immediately aware of the unfamiliarity of his surroundings, the sweat dripping down the back of his neck... and a hand, curled tight around his, the kunai he was holding inches from Asuna's face.

"Kakashi, it's okay," she said quietly, squeezing his hand tighter when it began to shake. Her voice sounded distant, distorted by the white noise filling his ears. Behind her, he could see a takeout bag on the coffee table, and it came back to him - Asuna had gone to get food, and he must have closed his eyes and fallen asleep while she was gone. His gaze snapped up to meet hers as her voice became clearer as the haze of sleep in his mind began to lift. "It's okay. You're okay."

"I'm so sorry," he choked out, pulling his hand away and dropping the kunai to the floor, flinching when it made a soft thud against the hardwood. "I'm so sorry, I didn't-"

"It's okay," Asuna repeated, getting up from where she was kneeling to sit beside him on the couch, wrapping her arms around him and stroking a hand through his sweat-soaked hair, trying to comfort him, to soothe away the pain she couldn't understand. He tensed at her touch, but didn't pull away - he should, he could have killed her, but instead he found himself returning her embrace, burying his face in her neck as he tried desperately to pull it together.

"I'm so sorry, Asuna." His voice nearly broke on the words. Maybe it was the adrenaline pumping through his veins, or the fear of coming so close to hurting her again, but he couldn't stop shaking. "I'm-"

"Stop apologizing," she murmured, her hold on him tightening when he tried to pull away, refusing to let go. "I'm okay, but you're not. Don't bury this, Kakashi, it's time to talk to me." She drew back when he lifted his head, just enough to meet his uncovered eye. "I know I said I wouldn't push, but keeping all of this in is going to kill you, or get someone else killed. I can't help you if you don't talk to me, so please. Please, Kakashi, just let me help you." He could only stare at her, thrown by the look in her eyes - there was no fear there, no pity. In her eyes, all he saw was concern, warmth, compassion... love. _She loves you_.

"I had a dream about my father," Kakashi mumbled finally, averting his gaze, unable to keep looking at her while she looked at him like that. "About the night I found him." He paused, but she didn't speak, waiting for him to continue. "Did you know that? I was the one that found him." A heavy silence filled the air between them as Kakashi considered his next words, considered whether he should tell her. He was afraid to tell her, he realized, afraid that she would think less of him, that she would think him weak. "He... He was still alive. He was still breathing. And I... I didn't know what to do. I tried to stop the bleeding, I tried to..." He had to stop, take a deep breath, try to regain control of his emotions, but the dam had broken, and it all came spilling out. "I tried to save him, but I... I felt his chest stop moving, I felt him stop breathing. I can't help but think if I'd just gone to get help, if I had done just one thing differently maybe he wouldn't have died-"

"It's not your fault." Her hold on him tightened once more as he let his head fall forward onto her shoulder, trying - and failing - to still his trembling body. He wouldn't fall apart. Not in front of her, not again. "Do you hear me, Kakashi? It's not your fault. Kami, you were just a kid..."

"I was weak," Kakashi said quietly, closing his eye and taking a deep breath in another futile attempt to regain control. "Pain is weakness, and I let it cloud my judgment. If I'd been thinking clearly, I could have saved him-"

"You're wrong." Asuna's hand stilled in his hair, and it was a long, tense moment before she spoke again. "Feeling pain isn't a weakness. Pain means you're still alive. Pain means you can heal and come back from whatever it is that hurt you." It was another long moment before she heaved a sigh, her hand beginning to idly stroking his hair once more. "After you lost everyone, it would have been easy to give up, to make the choice to die. Instead, you lived with the agony. You carried that pain around for years and refused to give in to it, refused to let it claim your life, too. I think that makes you incredibly strong."

"I came close," he mumbled, finally beginning to relax under her soothing touch. He could feel her tense at the admission, but she didn't say anything. He was grateful for that, glad that she seemed to understand that he had more to say, that she had the patience to let him get this out... because as terrifying as it was to let himself be so vulnerable, he'd been burying this for so long that it felt cathartic to finally tell someone... To finally tell her. "That night you found me in the bathroom, it wasn't the first time." He had to pause, take a trembling breath. "I don't... I don't even know how many times I tried, how many times I put a kunai to my throat, or how many times I filled the tub and kept my head under the water until my lungs were burning and I nearly passed out... but I could never go through with it. Maybe I didn't want to die, though I think I was just scared that I would still be alive when someone found me."

"You were afraid that someone else would have to live with watching you die in front of them," Asuna said softly, resting her head against his when he sighed. She was too smart for her own good sometimes, but she only had it half right.

"I think I was more afraid that they would save me." His words were met with a soft gasp, and he lifted his head to find Asuna staring at him, the shock and pain in her eyes like a kick to the chest. "Please don't look at me like that."

"Kakashi... I knew it was bad, but I never knew it was that bad." Her hand slid from his hair, coming to rest on his cheek. He was startled to see tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," he replied, shrugging. She released him when he straightened, still watching as he untied his hitai-ate, dropping it onto the coffee table and running a hand through his hair. "I haven't thought about it since that night you found me in the bathroom. That's what you would call progress, isn't it?" He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, sighing when he saw her frowning, lower lip caught between her teeth. "Can we just stop talking about this for now?"

"What do you want to talk about instead?" Asuna asked quietly, inhaling sharply when Kakashi turned, planting one knee on the couch and grasping her thighs, pulling her hips to his and leaning over her. He knew this probably wasn't the best idea right now, but his head was spinning, filled with those painful thoughts, and he knew that no matter what she said, what they talked about, it wouldn't be enough to clear his turbulent mind. This though... This could help, even if only for a while.

"Nothing," he answered, reaching for the top of his mask. "No more talking. Close your eyes."

Kakashi may have opened up to her a little, but this was something he couldn't show her just yet.

Perhaps one day he'd be ready to tear down that last wall, but for now, this would have to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. I feel bad. It started out pretty sweet n fluffy and then I just hit yall in the face with the angst stick. I'm sorry!
> 
> So the next chapter is our first major convergence with canon ARE YOU READY i'm not ready.


	27. Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains NSFW content and is not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

Sometimes, Asuna found it difficult to believe that it had really been a year and a half since she'd returned from the desert.

She had been eighteen when she left the Hidden Leaf for her mission, no longer a kid but barely an adult, still clinging to the innocence of youth. The five and a half years since then had stripped that away from her, and now, half a year from turning twenty four, she was intimately aware of the cruelties of the world. Sure, things had been going well for the past few months - she was home, she was alive, and she and Kakashi had settled into an unsure rhythm in their relationship. It was still rocky, but they were a work in progress, and they were trying. Things were going well.

That is, until a routine inventory of the guardhouse near the main gate had turned up her bloodstained pouch. She had never imagined that something so simple would have the power to knock the wind out of her, upending the small semblance of peace she had found herself living in as of late.

She had bought a new pouch, thinking the old one lost, and she was ready to tell Kotetsu to just throw it away when he presented her with the scroll he'd found inside while trying to figure out who it belonged to. Knowing that scroll hadn't been there when she had left with Team Ro, knowing that the seal holding it closed meant that it was important, she had taken it... and now she wished she hadn't.

The seal had reacted to her chakra the instant Kotetsu placed it in her hand. That alone didn't bode well, it meant the seal had been infused with her chakra when it was placed, ensuring that she was the only one who could open it. She didn't remember placing the seal, so that meant someone had done it for her. Worried, but curious, she'd opened it right there at the gate, which she realized, a second too late, was a mistake.

Akio's handwriting hadn't changed in the last twelve years, and the sight of it scrawled across the scroll had almost sent her to her knees.

It had taken all her self-control to roll the scroll back up and drop it in her pouch, to continue with her day like she wasn't carrying a letter from a man who, though not in the Bingo Book, was still an S-rank missing-nin in the Hokage's eyes.

It was well past midnight, the full moon high in the night sky, by the time she returned home, kicking off her sandals at the door, which she left unlocked. She didn't know what Kakashi was up to at the moment, but she was hoping that he would come by tonight. Depending on what the scroll said, she would want the comfort of his presence.

Sinking onto the couch, Asuna unrolled the scroll, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to steady her nerves before beginning to read.

_Asuna,_

_When we were kids, I used to sit on your bed when you were sick and watch you sleep to make sure you were still breathing. Old habits die hard, I guess, because I know I shouldn't be this close, it's dangerous, but I'm sitting here watching you breathe and praying to whatever god there might be that you make it through the night._

_I never meant for this to happen. That first day we met, I tried to warn you, to make you stay away from me because I knew something like this might happen if you didn't let it go. I have no control of my own actions when I'm under the influence of my curse mark, and I know that sounds like an excuse, a pitiful one at that, but it's the truth. I didn't know what I was doing until it was too late._

_I wish I could take it all back, undo all the damage that I've done, erase the pain I've caused you, but I can't. All I can do is tell you how incredibly sorry I am. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I can't help but hope that someday, you can find it in your heart to forgive me anyway._

_Perhaps one day, I'll be free to come home to you. I hope that I can. Until then, remember that no matter what happens or how far apart we are, you are still my little sister and I will always love you._

_Akio_

Tears stung her eyes as she took in the words, reading them over and over again until they were burned into her mind, focusing on that last sentence. Even as the tears began to spill over, she found herself smiling - as much as it hurt, it meant something important. It meant that despite everything, despite how different he was now, the brother she had known and loved was still in there. If she could find a way to reach him, maybe it wasn't too late to save him.

She was still rereading the scroll, as if she thought continuing to do so would reveal new secrets, when she heard the door open. She looked up instantly, eyes widening when she saw the state Kakashi was in, stumbling through the door and nearly falling over as he tried to pull off his sandals.

"Kakashi?" she asked, setting the scroll aside and uncurling her legs from beneath her, getting up from the couch and crossing the room in a flash when he lost his footing, steadying him. He flinched when she touched his face, fingers stroking across his mask. His eyes were wide, staring blankly at a spot somewhere behind her. He didn't seem to hear her - she wasn't even sure if he knew where he was. "Kakashi." His gaze found hers, and the pain there, the absolute shock and agony reflected in his mismatched eyes _killed_ her. Something awful had happened. "Kakashi, tell me what's wrong."

"I... I can't, I..." His breath hitched, his voice breaking. "I can't." His hands were shaking as he grasped her cheeks, turning and backing her into the door. Her eyes closed, fingers catching the top of his mask and tugging it down as he leaned in to kiss her, fast and hungry and desperate, clutching at her like she was the only thing that could keep him alive. She let him, until he drew back, gasping for breath. She caught his hands when his trembling fingers began to tug at the button of her pants, fighting the urge to open her eyes.

"Kakashi, no," she said quietly, heart clenching when he drew a shuddering breath, tightening her hold on his hands in an attempt to still the tremors. "This won't help."

"Please," he begged, the weight of his head pressing into her neck, the metal of his hitai-ate cold on her skin. "Asuna, please. Just... help me. Help me forget." His entire body trembled when she released his hands and wrapped her arms around him, each whispered _please_ like a kick to the chest.

Asuna should have pulled up Kakashi's mask, walked him over to the couch, and asked him, again, to talk to her... but instead, she gently touched his face, guiding him up into a soft, slow kiss.

Kakashi followed the pace she set as his fingers found her button again, slightly steadier as he slipped it free, pushing at her pants until they pooled on the floor at her feet. Her panties followed, and then he tugged down his own zipper, adjusting his pants just enough to free his cock before grasping the backs of her thighs, hoisting her up to wrap her legs around him.

He could have spent a moment longer than he did preparing her for him, only giving her a few quick, perfunctory pumps with his fingers before guiding himself to her entrance, clutching at her thighs as he slowly thrust up into her. He stilled with a low groan when he had buried himself between her thighs, breaking the kiss and pressing his face into her neck again, taking a deep breath to steady himself.

Asuna couldn't fight a moan as Kakashi began to move, each thrust slow and deep, hitting that spot inside her that had her seeing stars, whimpering his name as what felt like electricity danced through her nerves. She was vaguely aware of the doorknob digging into her back, his fingernails biting into the backs of her thighs, but she didn't complain, wrapping her arms around his neck and threading one hand into his hair.

He picked up the pace when she let out a particularly loud moan, pressing her harder into the wood of the door, lips brushing her neck in the barest hint of a kiss.

This was different than all the times they'd fucked before. There was no marking, no possessive attempt to claim her from behind, and no hurry to his own release. He was drawing out the moment, trying to drown himself in the comfort and pleasure of her body, trying to keep this going because the instant he let go, whatever he was trying to hold back was going to overwhelm him.

So she let him. Asuna let Kakashi take what he needed from her, until they were both shuddering. She fell over the edge first, fingers tightening in his hair as she clenched around him, crying his name. He wasn't too far behind, muffling a groan against her throat as he thrust twice more, then stilled, arms shifting to wrap around her back.

Kakashi's trembling knees finally buckled, and he clutched her tighter as he slowly sank to the floor, fingers clenching into her back. His shoulders shook with each gasping breath he took, and she could feel something warm and wet on her neck - tears. He was crying.

"Hey," she mumbled, fingers threading soothingly through his hair, the other curling around the back of his neck, holding him closer. "It's okay, Kakashi. It's okay, I've got you. I'm here." She held him until his violent sobs began to fade, until the trembling in his shoulders stopped and he relaxed against her, occasionally shuddering but otherwise still in her arms.

Even then, she refused to let go, and so did he.

Asuna kept herself wrapped around him as he pulled himself together enough to get his feet beneath him, murmuring soft comforts in his ear as he carried her through her apartment to the bedroom. She didn't let go until he laid her down on the bed, relinquishing his hold on her. His footsteps retreated, and she opened her eyes when she heard the familiar creak of the bathroom door, the sound of running water. When he came back, his mask was covering his face again, his pants zipped back up and a damp cloth in his hands.

Neither of them said a word as he sat beside her on the bed, holding the cloth out to her. She took it, letting her fingers linger on his for a brief moment before pulling her hand away, gingerly cleaning herself before hesitantly handing it back to him.

"The hamper is by the dresser," she murmured, almost afraid to break the silence. He only nodded, getting to his feet and walking around the bed and across the room to the hamper. He stood there for a long moment after dropping the cloth into it, and her eyes followed his hand as he lifted it to his head, pulling his hitai-ate free and running his hand through his hair. He hesitated, then set it down on the dresser, turning and coming back to the bed.

When he laid down, he left a foot of space between them, but it was closer than he'd ever let himself be before, and it was enough.

The silence hung heavy in the air around them, and it was a long time before Kakashi spoke... but when he did, all the air rushed out of her as he said the last thing she had been expecting.

"The Uchihas were murdered tonight," Kakashi finally said, voice thick and hoarse. It took him a couple of tries to get the whole sentence out, having to clear his throat several times before he managed to, and he flinched at the crack in his voice.

"Itachi?" Asuna asked, heart beginning to race in her chest. She liked the young boy, he showed great promise as a shinobi, and when he was off duty, it was evident he was more kindhearted than he showed himself to be when he had that mask on. "Is he-"

"Itachi's the one that did it." Kakashi's eyes closed at the words, and Asuna's breath caught in her throat. No. That didn't make sense. Why? She tried to articulate those thoughts, but she found herself unable to form words. "I thought... I tried. I tried so hard to be a good influence for that kid, to keep him from going down the same path I did. And he..." Kakashi shuddered, his eyes opening again. "I keep seeing them. Men, women, children, their bodies sprawled in the streets, so much blood... How could he do this?"

"I don't know." Asuna moved without thinking, pressing against his side and throwing her arm over him. He tensed, but didn't push her away. "I'm so sorry, Kakashi."

"He was excellent. He had just been promoted, ANBU captain at thirteen. He could've done... anything." The muscles in his arm tensed as he clenched his hands into fists. She could tell it was taking everything he had to keep from falling apart again. "He could've been Hokage, he had the mind for it. It just... It doesn't make sense."

"I know." Asuna was about to stroke his hair again - she had never been sure if that was something that truly comforted him or not, but it was something her mother used to do for her when she was upset, and it felt right - when he drew away, getting to his feet.

"I can't be here." His hands were trembling again as he crossed the room to the door. "I'm sorry. I need..." He didn't need to say it for her to understand what he meant.

"Space," she finished for him, sitting up and wrapping her arms around her knees, watching him as he stood there by the door. "It's okay, I understand."

"Thank you," Kakashi mumbled, turning the knob. He was halfway out the door when Asuna called after him, unable to stop herself.

"I love you, you know," she said, her voice almost seeming to echo in the small room. His shoulders slumped at the sudden confession, but there it was. She had said it, she couldn't take it back now even if she wanted to. She didn't want to. He needed to know. "I'm here for you, Kakashi. Whenever you're ready, I'm here."

"I know," he choked out after a moment that felt like it stretched on for a lifetime, and Asuna didn't know how he managed to make those two syllables so damn heartbreaking, but her heart was breaking for him as he walked out the door.

Asuna wished she could go after him. She wished she could wrap her arms around him, wished that holding him was enough to take away his pain, wished that love were enough to heal the broken parts of his soul.

Damn it, she wished it were enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy. They took a step forward in the last chapter only to take two steps back in this one. 
> 
> This is the last time skip before the very last chapter, which is ONLY 6 CHAPTERS AWAY. Holy shit guys. This is really almost over :(


	28. Moving Forward

The instant the door shut behind Kakashi, he wanted to turn around and open it again. He wanted to go back, wanted to allow himself to stay in the warmth of Asuna's presence, of her arms, whatever she would give him, whatever she _could_ give him... He would give anything to allow himself that comfort, but he'd put too much on her already, and this burden, this failure, was one he had to carry alone.

Kakashi had been Itachi's captain for two years - he had trained him, had trusted him nearly as much as he trusted Tenzo. As the young Uchiha's superior, it had been his duty to keep him on the right path, to keep him from falling into darkness. But the ANBU had a way of destroying the light in people - it was a harsh truth, one Kakashi was intimately aware of, and he had always wanted better than that for Itachi. As angry as he felt, wracked by hurt and betrayal, he couldn't help but think he should have tried harder.

Unable to stomach going home, he instead found himself walking to the Memorial Stone. He had considered the cemetery, but he couldn't stand there and tell Rin that he had failed again - he had disappointed the girl enough. Though by that same thought process, he had also disappointed Obito enough, but somehow, telling him that he was a failure seemed a lot easier. Obito would have understood. He would have mocked Kakashi, but he would have understood. Rin would have just looked at him with those sad eyes and told him it wasn't his fault. It was his fault, though. Itachi was yet another person he had failed to save - though he was still alive, and that made it worse.

He tucked his hands into his pockets as he approached the Memorial Stone, wishing he hadn't left his hitai-ate at Asuna's in his hurry to leave, the cool, late night wind blowing his hair into his open eye. When had it gotten so cold? He supposed it didn't matter.

The stone was cold even to his gloved fingers as he knelt to trace Obito's name, suddenly struck dumb now that he was here. He knew Obito couldn't hear him, but still, how was he supposed to stand here in front of the stone that memorialized the sacrifices made by shinobi like Obito and tell his dead friend that his clan was gone, entirely decimated in a single night?

He couldn't, he realized, straightening once more. It had been a mistake to come here.

Kakashi turned to leave, stopping when he saw Tenzo standing there, fidgeting with his mask.

"I thought I might find you here, senpai," he said, voice drawing Kakashi's attention from the white porcelain in his hands. "I wanted to..." The younger boy paused, looking lost, unsure of what to say. "Are you all right?"

"Fine," Kakashi replied, hoping his lie was convincing enough, but judging by the expression on Tenzo's face, it wasn't. Kami, he did not want to deal with this right now. "Excuse me." He felt a surge of guilt as he walked away from Tenzo - as always, his kohai only wanted to help, no matter how many times Kakashi rebuffed him. He should apologize, but he couldn't bring himself to turn around.

Out of options, he returned to the solitude of his childhood home.

The walls began to close in the instant the door was shut behind him, the air heavy on his lungs, suffocating him. He hated this house, hated the memories it held, hated staring at the spot on the living room floor where he'd found his father, or the kitchen table where he'd eaten dinner with Rin and Obito. He hated the worn couch that had seen too many nights with Asuna, sitting on opposite ends and trying to work up the courage to talk to each other, to express a pain that neither of them knew how to put into words - the pain of loss, of grief and heartache so agonizing that neither of them really knew how they managed to keep breathing. The four walls of this house held so much pain - he should have burnt it to the ground years ago.

Again, Kakashi felt the urge to go back to Asuna, but he repressed it, sinking down onto those old cushions.

He could almost see her, sitting on the other end of the couch, knees drawn to her chest and leaning against the armrest, looking anywhere but at him. She was wearing the clothes the hospital had given her, everything she had ever owned destroyed by the fire that had claimed her family, her home, the innocence of childhood. She looked as broken as he felt, crushed by the weight of things that they were too young to fully comprehend.

That was the first night that they had truly begun to understand each other. Brought together by death and grief, they had tried their hardest to hold each other up, to keep each other moving forward. He couldn't help but wish that she had just left him alone to drown.

Asuna had been a distraction - if he hadn't been so wrapped up in her, maybe he could have seen the signs, and maybe he could have gotten through to Itachi before it was too late.

Guilt burned hot and heavy through his mind at the thought. No, it wasn't Asuna's fault. The blame lay squarely on his shoulders, and his alone.

\---

That night, the bodies of the slain Uchiha haunted him.

Kakashi was exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to sleep, to lose himself to the haze of black even if only for a few hours before his nightmares woke him, but every time he closed his eyes he saw their faces. Men, women, children... Itachi had been indiscriminate in his slaughter, leaving his clan virtually extinct. The only survivor was Itachi's younger brother Sasuke, a seven year old boy that would be forever traumatized by what he had witnessed.

For some reason, that bothered him more than what Itachi had done.

Sasuke was just a child, a child that had come home that night to find members of his clan slaughtered in the street. He would never forget that sight, his first taste of the cruelty this world had to offer. Perhaps it would have been easier on the boy if he had died with his family - instead, he would have to live with that pain, carry that hell around with him. Whether it would make him stronger or break him... only time would tell.

Needless to say, Kakashi didn't sleep that night, and when he dragged himself out of bed and reported for duty the following morning, it was to the news that Itachi's name had been added to the Bingo Book.

Kakashi was vaguely aware of Tenzo talking to him as he studied his former kohai's entry in the book. It wasn't unexpected, but Itachi was just thirteen years old and he was classified as an S-rank missing-nin, a ranking that would see him hunted to the ends of the earth. Capture wasn't typically on the table for an S-rank criminal - if Itachi was found, it was highly likely he would not be returning to the village alive.

A part of him wanted to be happy about that, but he kept being drawn back to the fact that Itachi was just thirteen. A child, and should they ever cross paths again, it would be Kakashi's duty to take his life.

He didn't know if he could live with that. He had caused too much death already.

The rest of the day was a haze as he kept putting one foot in front of the other, almost mechanical in his performance of his duties. Sensing his distraction, the Hokage released him early, but instead of going home, he found himself ducking beneath the yellow _no trespassing_ tape that blocked off the entrance to the Uchiha district, walking the silent, empty streets until he found himself standing outside Obito's old house.

"Obito," he mumbled under his breath, realizing for the first time just how lost he truly was. "What have I been doing since that day?" His path had seemed so clear as a child, but somewhere along the way it had forked and he found himself going down a different path, one that led to darkness, a path that had claimed parts of his soul he wasn't sure he could ever get back. The people he had lost, the things he had done, the lives he had taken... How was he supposed to come back from that?

He used to think that he was content in his darkness, teetering on the fine line between life and death, waiting for someone to nudge him in one direction or the other. He had left his fate in the hands of others, and looking back, he came to the realization that just as he couldn't save anyone else, he had never been able to save himself, either.

With every loss, there had been someone different to help him pick up the pieces. Obito, Rin, Minato-sensei, Tenzo, Asuna... He understood now why he had never been able to get his shit together. He had relied too much on others to hold him up when he was falling apart, had never stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, the only one that could ever truly save him was himself.

Yet again, Kakashi found his thoughts drawn to Asuna. He had asked for space, and she had promised not to push, but honestly... He didn't want either of those things. He didn't want space, he wanted her to push. He _needed_ her to push, because he had no clue how to do this on his own. He knew that it wasn't fair to her - he had used her, time and time again, to keep himself together. She numbed his pain, but she wasn't some magical cure, something that could fix all the darkest, most fucked up parts of his heart, no matter how much he wished it could be that easy. But she did make it easier to bear, easier to hope that there might be a tomorrow, like the first light of day over a dark and bloody battlefield.

Hope was not a feeling that Kakashi was used to, but Asuna gave him hope, and the strength of that simple, elusive feeling knocked the wind out of him. He had a chance here, a real chance, to come up out of the darkness and better himself, to be stronger so that when the next Itachi Uchiha came along, he wouldn't fail again. This time, though, he couldn't rely on others to pick up his broken pieces - it was time for him to pull himself out on his own strength. He had to learn to stand on his own, because one day there would be no one there to save him.

Itachi had taken so much from the village, but he had given this to Kakashi - a new direction, a conviction that strengthened his resolve and put steel in his spine.

He would always carry the pain and guilt of his failures, but he could no longer allow them drown him.

\---

Kakashi woke the next day feeling as though a weight had lifted. For the first time in a long time, the weight of his past didn't feel as suffocating as it usually did. His sleep had been as restless as ever, but it was the early morning sun coming in through the window that woke him instead of his nightmares for once, and for that simple relief he was grateful.

There was an extra... he wouldn't call it a spring in his step, but he felt light, lighter than he ever had before as he put on his grey and black ANBU uniform, reaching for his hitai-ate before remembering it was still at Asuna's. He considered going over there to get it, maybe talk to her, but decided it could wait, instead picking up his porcelain mask and putting it over his face.

He had just left his house, back turned to lock the door when he sensed someone coming up behind him.

"Lord Third would like to see you, Captain," a female voice said, and he turned to see the familiar purple of Yugao's hair, her expression hidden behind her own mask. "Says it's urgent."

"Okay. Thanks, Yugao," Kakashi replied, tucking his key into his pocket. She lowered her head in a sign of respect, then turned and ran off. He had a sneaking suspicion she was off to rendezvous with Hayate Gekko - he wasn't privy to the personal lives of his subordinates, but they spent so much time together for work that it was hard not to know some things about them, and not many things made Yugao hurry like that.

_Good for her_ , he thought as he made his way into the village, hands tucked into his pockets. The life of an ANBU was a hard one, and he was glad that at least one of his subordinates had something to go home to, something to keep the darkness at bay. He tended not to show it, but he worried about them - they were so young, and he didn't want them to end up like him.

He found the Hokage waiting, not in his office, but on the roof of the building. He was silent as he approached, kneeling down, but as always, Hiruzen knew he was there before he even spoke.

Kakashi knew what was coming before Hiruzen asked him to take off his mask. He knew from the tone of heavy regret in his voice, the way he spoke of Kakashi's time in the ANBU. A part of him wanted to argue against being relieved of his duties, but he bit his tongue, handing his mask to the Hokage and listening carefully as he was given new orders, eye widening and jaw nearly dropping when he heard what the Hokage had planned for him. He had been expecting that he would simply be added back to the regular mission roster - he never would have guessed that Hiruzen wanted to make him a Jonin leader.

 The man was truly getting on in years if he thought that Kakashi would be a good fit to lead children.

When he finally parted ways with the Hokage, returning to the ANBU lockers to clear his out, he found Tenzo and Yugao waiting for him, masks off and looking as shocked as he felt. It seemed the news had already reached them.

"You're really leaving, senpai?" Tenzo was the first to speak, his eyes wide as Kakashi looked up to meet his gaze. "But-"

"Sorry, Tenzo," Kakashi said, stepping around him to open his locker. He had never kept much in there, just his tanto when he was off duty, but someone had put a standard issue Jonin uniform in it while he'd been with the Hokage. He changed slowly - it felt strange, knowing this was the last time he would take this uniform off. "I've recommended you as the new captain of Team Ro."

"Me?" Tenzo's voice jumped an octave in surprise. "B-but senpai-"

"You're experienced enough for it," Kakashi responded, folding his ANBU uniform and leaving it in the locker, picking up his tanto. "Don't let me down." It was the closest thing to praise he could give his kohai, but the younger boy seemed to appreciate the words all the same, practically beaming. He closed his locker, turning to face his two subordinates. "Well, this is it."

"We'll see you around, Kakashi." Yugao grinned at him, stepping forward like she wanted to hug him but seeming to think better of it. "Good luck." He made a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat, sparing them one last glance before leaving the ANBU locker room for the last time.

The ANBU had been his life for the last ten years, being what effectively amounted to a pawn of the village was all he really knew. Ten years of his life spent willing and ready to die in the line of duty should it be required of him - more than willing, honestly, he had welcomed the release from the hell of his life that the finality of death could offer, and now he wasn't really sure what to do with himself.

The Jonin uniform felt foreign and heavy on his body, but he supposed all he could do now was get used to it - this was his life now. It was time to take what his genin team had taught him and step up to shape the lives of others. It was a daunting task, one he wasn't prepared for in the slightest, but as he reached street level and glanced up at the Hokage Rock towering overhead, eyes finding the Fourth's carving, he knew he couldn't afford to fail.

_Minato-sensei, I won't let you down._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmmm..... Kakashi's making progress :))
> 
> Not sure how I feel about this chapter but it is what it is. Hope you enjoyed!


	29. Change

Asuna stood on the porch of Kakashi's house, his hitai-ate gripped tight in her hands. She could sense his chakra inside, and she had to resist the urge to knock. Instead, she set his hitai-ate down in front of the door and walked off, shoving her hands into her pockets.

It hurt, being so close to him and not being able to go to him. She wanted to go back, wanted to knock and apologize for lying but she couldn't keep her promise not to push, she didn't want to give him space, she wanted to hold him until he broke and let it all out so she could help him piece himself back together... but she couldn't.

She wanted to be there for him, and not being able to was killing her.

"Hey! There you are!" Asuna glanced up when she felt an arm drape over her shoulders, smiling when she saw Genma grinning down at her. His face had healed like nothing happened aside from a tiny scar just above his left eyebrow, his nose slightly crooked, though it would have been impossible to tell if Asuna didn't know what to look for. "I went by your apartment, but you weren't there."

"I had something I had to do," she replied, wrapping her arm around his waist and leaning against him in a half-hug. "What's up?"

"Have you heard about Kakashi?" Genma asked, keeping his arm around her as he steered her toward the dango shop. She shook her head, sighing and letting herself be steered. "He's out of the ANBU. Word is, they made him a Jonin leader."

"Kakashi, a Jonin leader?" Asuna raised a brow, trying to stifle her surprise at the news. She had never imagined that leading genin would be a career move Kakashi would willingly make. "I can't imagine he took that well. Did he leave willingly?"

"I don't know." Genma shrugged one shoulder, releasing her as they entered the dango shop and waving to Raido. "Probably not, though. You know how he is. If I had to guess, Lord Third gave the order."

"Probably," Asuna echoed, sitting beside Raido and glancing around the table. "Where's Iwashi?"

"Here!" Iwashi's voice called. She looked up when the man hurried into the dango shop, breathing heavily. "Sorry I'm late, had to break up an argument between Kotetsu and Izumo."

"Oh, what happened?" Asuna leaned forward to plant her elbows on the table as Iwashi sat across from her, Kakashi momentarily forgotten. "Those two don't argue much, must have been big. Spill."

"Apparently Kotetsu keeps a syrup stash in their apartment, forgot to put the lid back on one of them," Iwashi answered, pausing when the waitress came by to give Raido his order and take theirs before continuing. "Izumo was _screaming_ mad. Most I could make out was something about ants not belonging in bed."

"Oh man." Asuna chuckled, leaning back when the waitress set down a cup of tea in front of her. "I don't blame him. You know how he is, neat freak is an understatement."

"When Kotetsu answered the door he looked like his life was flashing before his eyes," Iwashi replied, shaking his head and trying not to laugh. "Took half an hour to get Izumo to calm down enough to go get one of the Aburame to help get the ants out of the apartment, and I thought Kotetsu was going to cry when Izumo told him to pick between him and the syrup. By the way, does anyone want nine jars of syrup?"

"You know that's not the worst thing you've overheard," Genma interjected, laughing and nudging Iwashi's shoulder when his cheeks flared red. "Remember that-"

"No, you said you'd never bring that up again," Iwashi interrupted, glaring at him. "If you bring that up, I'll bring up that redhead-"

"Okay, okay, I think we get it!" Genma clapped a hand over Iwashi's mouth, leaning into whisper something in his ear.

"I remember the redhead. Yuki, wasn't it?" Raido said, grinning when Genma glared at him, ignoring his friend's protests and turning to Asuna, who was watching them all in curious amusement. "Did Genma ever tell you about the redhead?" His grin widened when Asuna shook her head. "Well..."

"I hate you all," Genma groaned, head dropping onto the table with a loud thud, rattling their teacups. "You guys promised."

"Don't tell me," Asuna told Raido, giggling when Genma lifted his head and mouthed _I love you_ at her. "Get him drunk first, he'll protest less."

"I take it back," Genma grumbled, letting his head fall onto the table again as Iwashi and Raido began to laugh. "I hate you, too."

"Please," Asuna scoffed, reaching across the table to flick the top of his head and grinning when he lifted it to glare at her again. "I'm your favorite and you know it. Besides, I'm sure the redhead is nothing compared to the stories I have on..." She paused when she caught a glimpse of movement behind him, eyes drawn up to find Kakashi standing there, head tilted in their direction but eyes fixed forward. The Jonin uniform looked out of place on him, baggy where the ANBU uniform had fit a little tighter, and she wondered if she blinked if she would realize it was someone else standing there. But then he turned his head, his open grey eye catching hers for a brief second before he looked forward again and continued walking. As always, his expression had been guarded, impossible to read, and that frustrated her - she hadn't seen him in two days, and she wanted to get up, run after him and ask if he was okay.

At the very least, she needed to know that he was okay.

Asuna was a little more subdued as she returned her attention to her friends, Raido, Iwashi, and Genma still joking around and teasing each other like they hadn't noticed what just happened, until Genma gave her a worried glance out of the corner of his eye, silently asking if she wanted to leave and talk about it. She shook her head and gave him a reassuring smile, giving the impression that she was fine. He didn't look like he believed her.

Dusk had begun to settle on the village by the time they left the warm light of the dango shop, Raido and Iwashi waving goodbye as they headed home, Genma sticking by Asuna's side as she headed back to her apartment, arm slung over her shoulders again. Neither of them spoke until the door was shut behind them, their sandals off, and they were settled on the couch.

"Everything okay?" Genma asked, lifting his hands as Asuna shifted to lay across the couch with her head in his lap, and she hummed softly when he touched her hair, closing her eyes. "Asuna, I saw the two of you earlier. What did Kakashi do this time?"

"He didn't do anything," she answered, reaching up to squeeze his arm before folding her hands across her stomach again. "It's what I couldn't do." She opened her eyes when his hand stilled in her hair, forcing a smile as she looked up at him. "It's fine, Genma, really. He just needs some time to process some stuff and I promised not to push."

"Okay," he replied, running his fingers through her hair again. "If you change your mind and want to talk, I'm here."

"Thanks. You're a good friend." Asuna smiled at him, a real smile this time, closing her eyes again. "You want to tell me about the redhead?"

"Shut up," he said, laughing and playfully shoving her shoulder. "I'm going to kill Raido and Iwashi."

"I'll drag it out of you eventually," she teased, settling her head back on his lap. Spending time with him always seemed to melt the worry and tension that made a home in her shoulders, and his hand slowly stroking through her hair was making her drowsy. "Hey Genma?"

"Yeah, babe," he responded absently, and she opened her eyes to find him with his head tipped back on the couch, looking like he was considering sleep, too. Her gaze caught the senbon, dangling precariously from the side of his mouth. As she watched, it moved, rising slightly as he began to chew on it again.

"You know the same is true for you, right?" Asuna asked, smiling again when he lifted his head to look down at her. "If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm here for you."

"I know," he answered, removing his hand from her hair to gently flick her forehead, smiling back. "I think I'm going to head on out, I'm about to fall asleep and I don't think your boyfriend would take too kindly to us having a sleepover."

"I don't know what we are, but he's not my boyfriend," she muttered, shoving his leg when he maneuvered out from under her head, sitting up and narrowing her eyes when he just grinned at her.

"Sure." He leaned down to press a quick kiss to the top of her head, using her distraction at the affection to flick her nose. "Keep telling yourself that, kid."

"Get the fuck out of here," Asuna said, laughing and pushing him away. "I'll see you later." He spared her one last grin, then turned and left. She shook her head as she watched him go - he could be so ridiculous sometimes.

Yawning, she got to her feet when the door shut behind him, stretching her arms over her head before walking over to lock the door. She lingered there for a moment, pushing out with her senses in hopes that she might find Kakashi's chakra heading her way, but all she felt was Genma's leaving.

_He'll come when he's ready_ , she thought, turning away from the door and going to her room. Now that Genma was gone, worry was beginning to seep back in - she wondered where Kakashi was, what he was doing, if he was all right. He'd seemed calm enough as he'd left her apartment the other night, but she knew how quickly his moods could change.

Sighing, she got ready for bed, flopping onto her mattress and burying herself in her blankets.

Sleep did not come easily that night, and Kakashi haunted her dreams.

\---

Kakashi paced in front of his house, trying to work up the courage to go through with his plan. His sparse belongings were already piled in boxes in the apartment he'd rented today, there was nothing left in his house but the memories that haunted the halls. All it would take was the match pinched between his fingers, a simple flick to send the small stick of wood into the small bit of accelerant he'd poured out on the porch.

Taking a deep breath, he scraped his thumb along the head of the match, repeating the motion until it caught and flame burst up beneath his fingertip... and then he let go.

His Sharingan followed the arc of the flame as it landed on the porch, watching as the accelerant caught fire. It didn't take long for the flames to spread, and all he did was stand back to watch as his childhood home slowly but surely burnt to the ground.

Eventually his neighobrs woke to the smell of smoke and the roar of the fire; he could hear them yelling something about needing to put it out. He ignored them, unable to tear his eyes from the blaze.

When nothing remained but charred wood and ash and embers, he formed the signs for a water style jutsu to put it out, then turned and walked away.

Walking through the streets toward his new apartment, he found himself turning, changing course without really thinking about it. He'd reached a decision, watching his home burn down, a decision that had seemed difficult but came to him as easily and naturally as breathing.

Everything in his life was changing, but through all of it, Asuna was a constant, the unwavering calm in the middle of his storm, and he needed her. It was time to let go of all of his fear and doubt and just let himself be with her the way he wanted to be with her.

And finally, he found himself at her door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _did she really just imply koteizu_   
>  _oh yes she did_
> 
> Yeah sorry I couldn't help myself. Anyway, here we are! The next chapter is my absolute favorite, it's already complete and now I just need to decide if I should post it now or wait a while, let the anticipation build. Hmmm....


	30. Unmasked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains NSFW material and is not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

Asuna cracked one eye open when she sensed Kakashi's chakra signature slipping through the front door, silent as a shadow. She sighed, sitting up and watching the bedroom door until it opened and he came in. The standard issue Jonin outfit looked as strange on him as it had before, but the sight of him undressing was more familiar, his vest and hitai-ate falling to the floor. He hesitated, closing his eyes, and her own widened when he began to pull down his mask.

"What are you doing?" She could only stare as he peeled that last layer of defense away, wordlessly exposing his face to her. She had never seen him without the mask before - he had never let her look, and she had never dared to peek. But now he was standing before her, bare to his very soul, and the sight of him was dizzying. He was beautiful.

Asuna threw back the blankets and got to her feet, padding silently across the room to where he stood. He shuddered when she reached up to touch his face, but didn't open his eyes, forcing himself to stay perfectly still as her fingers trailed over his skin. Her eyes traced over every detail, from the angle of his jaw to the soft curve of his lower lip, the beauty mark on his chin, and he inhaled sharply when her fingers stroked down the full length of his scar, catching her wrists in his hands.

"Asuna." The strangled tone of his voice as he said her name sent her heart racing, and his hands tightened on her wrists. She winced at the sudden pressure, but didn't draw back, instead looking up to meet his eyes. He was watching her now, both eyes open, and her gaze fixed on the blood red iris of his Sharingan, staring at her as though it could see straight through her. He kept his expression neutral, but she could tell that he was uncomfortable under her scrutiny.

"Why are you showing me this?" she asked quietly, and he sucked in a trembling breath, lifting his gaze to stare at a point somewhere above her head. He was silent for a long, tense moment, and it struck her then - something about him was different. From the bed, she hadn't noticed it, but now that she was up close, she could see it in the way he held himself, like a weight had lifted.

"I want you to see me," he answered finally, voice soft, barely a whisper, but heavy with emotion that she couldn't quite find words to describe. "All of me. No more running, no more hiding, no more masks."

"Kakashi..." She had spent so much time and energy trying to get him to open up, to get him to just talk to her, but now that it was truly happening, now that he had nothing left to hide behind, she had no idea what to say.

"I've only ever shown you the worst parts of me," he continued, like she hadn't said anything at all. His eyes were still focused above her head, still unable to look at her. "You've seen the darkest parts of my soul and for some reason, you're still here." His eyes closed again, and after a long, tense moment, he heaved a sigh. "You told me you loved me, and I don't know if I deserve it, if I can be the kind of man that's worthy of it. All I know is that you make me want to try. You make me want to be better."

It was in that moment, feeling vulnerable and completely exposed in a way that he had never even dreamed of letting himself be, that Kakashi knew that he had made the right decision.

He was still terrified. He had told himself he was going to let that fear go, but it had crept back in as he'd finally pulled down his mask and shattered that last wall. Death followed him like a persistent shadow, taking all that he loved... But he knew, with dazzling clarity as blinding as seeing the sun for the first time after years of darkness, that even when death inevitably took her from him, letting himself be with her would not be - could never be - a mistake.

She was standing in front of him, looking beautiful and dazed, staring at him with that awe in her eyes like he was the most incredible thing she'd ever seen, and there wasn't anywhere else he could imagine himself being but right here with her.

Kissing her was the only thing that made sense.

Asuna responded instantly as he pulled her flush to his chest, her arms wrapping around his neck as he slanted his mouth across hers in a surprisingly soft kiss.

She was the first to deepen it, or maybe he was, but the next thing he knew her hands were sliding underneath his shirt, and he lifted his arms to help as she pulled the dark blue fabric over his head. His breath caught in his throat as she dipped down to kiss his chest, lips warm and soft as they trailed across a small scar that slashed a line just below his collarbone, setting his nerve endings alight.

She drew back, grasping the hem of her shirt and tugging it over her head. She wore nothing but a pair of dark colored panties beneath, but instead of roaming her body, his eyes were instantly drawn to the scar just below her left breast. He was unable to stop himself from reaching out to trace it with trembling fingertips - the last physical reminder of how he had nearly lost her forever. She shivered under the soft touch, then pressed forward against him again, reclaiming his mouth with her own.

It was an exhilarating sensation, her tongue slipping between his parted lips to brush against his, a heady mix of innocent and wicked, both an invitation and a promise. He held her closer, tangling a hand in her hair and stifling a groan as her hands slipped between them, clever fingers making quick work of the button and zipper of his pants and shoving them to the floor.

Kakashi had been naked with her before, but never like this, every last inch of his body exposed to the sweet torture of her eager hands.

His head tipped back as Asuna's fingers gently brushed against the base of his cock, barely a whisper against the sensitive skin, trailing up the underside of his hardening length. Her lips moved to his neck as her fingers curled around the shaft, the unexpected grip making his body jolt.

"What..." He could barely form words, mind drawn to the last time she had touched him like this, that first night. That had lasted less than a moment, but this... This was different. He had gained experience since that first night with Asuna, but he had never allowed anyone else to touch him like this, and the sensations her curious attentions sent crashing through his body were almost overwhelming.

"Relax," she murmured, pressing a soft kiss to the shallow dip between his collarbones. He shuddered when her thumb swept through the pre-cum that had begun to gather on the head. Seeming to sense his unease, she looked up at him, her hand stilling. "Kakashi? Should I stop?"

"Don't," he answered, quicker than he would have liked, humming softly as her hand continued her careful ministrations. "Feels good."

He let her continue like that for a little while, enjoying the dizzying, intoxicating rush until he couldn't stand it anymore. He grasped her wrists, pulling her arms up to wrap around his neck once more before grabbing her hips, pushing her panties to her ankles and backing her across the room to the bed until they fell on top of it in a tangle of limbs.

Her arms tightened around his neck, pulling him closer as his mouth found hers again, but only for a moment before he shifted, lips brushing softly up the angle of her jaw to that spot he vaguely remembered made her squirm, fingers trailing gently down her neck to her chest.

Asuna moaned softly as his thumb gently grazed her nipple, lips and tongue still working that sensitive spot on her neck, just below her ear. He liked the way she was squirming beneath him, the feeling of her chest arching up against his as he teased her with the softest of touches.

Touching her like this was new to him, but damn it, it felt so right.

Kissing the hickey he'd left on the soft skin of her throat, Kakashi shifted his weight, trailing kisses down her neck now. She squirmed again as he traced the line of her collarbone and the dip between with his tongue, relishing in the salty taste of her skin as he worked way down the center of her chest with gentle, barely there brushes of his lips.

He could spend all day exploring every dip and curve of her body, and he did want to learn every part of her that he had never let himself fully appreciate before, but he had a specific goal in mind as he kissed the soft flesh of her breast, drawing another moan from her as his tongue circled the erect bud of her nipple. His fingers skimmed down her stomach, pausing to trail along her hip bone before continuing their path south.

Asuna shivered as his fingers teased her outer lips, gently tracing their shape before slipping between them, slowly sweeping through her soft folds. He was trying to take his time, but she wasn't having any of that, rolling her hips against his hand, silently begging for more. He was quick to oblige, thumb rubbing against her clit as he slid one long, slender finger into her slick heat. She was already wet for him, grinding against his hand and moaning, each little noise heightening his own arousal.

Kami, but he loved her, and the realization was terrifying, as dizzying as the haze of desire that clouded his mind. It didn't make sense, but at the same time, he had never been more certain of anything in his life.

Withdrawing his hand, he moved back up to capture her low whine in his mouth, lips soft but urgent against hers, lining himself up at her entrance and sliding into her with a slow, deep thrust. He barely held back his own moan at how good she felt around him, so tight and wet and warm. He couldn't help but move his lips to her ear, telling her just how good she felt, dragging the most exquisite sound from deep in the back of her throat as he rocked his hips forward against hers.

Kakashi stilled inside her for a moment, hitching her legs up around his waist before pulling her hands from where they had tangled in his hair to pin them to the bed above her head, lacing his fingers through hers. It seemed affectionate on the outside, and it was, but it also helped him to feel some sort of control over this situation that had quickly spiraled into something... deeper. Something real.

His lips found hers again as he began to move, keeping his pace slow, controlled, each deep thrust entirely focused on giving her the most pleasure. She seemed to appreciate the gesture, if the soft little mewling sounds she was making against his mouth were anything to go by.

He broke the kiss when her back arched up off the bed, trailing his lips up her jawline.

"Fuck, Asuna," he groaned low against her throat, the guttural noise making her entire body shudder as he nuzzled his nose against the outer shell of her ear. He closed his eyes when she pressed a kiss to his shoulder, his hands tightening around hers. "Fuck."

Her legs tightened around his waist, hips bucking to meet his. He could feel a familiar heat spreading throughout his body, the burning ache for release coiling low around his spine and settling there. He ignored it, focusing on the feeling of Asuna beneath him, the soft friction of her skin, the fragrance of a gentle spring breeze, something sweet and floral in her hair. He focused on her lips, pressing quick, electrifying kisses to his shoulder and throat; her hands, clenched so tight around his that it hurt.

Mostly, though, he focused on the breathless _I love you, oh, Kami, Kakashi, I love you_ that she gasped against his skin before her head fell back, eyes squeezing shut as she tightened and then came undone beneath him. He opened his left eye, committing the sight of her like this to memory - the soft flush of her cheeks, her inky hair splayed on the mattress beneath her head, the slight part of her kiss-bruised lips... She was devastatingly beautiful, and she had no idea that she had just shattered all that he was, overwhelming his senses until all that remained was her, wrapped around him and pressed against him and _she loved him_ , oh Kami, she loved him and nothing had ever terrified him or made him feel more alive than that.

Kakashi slowed, capturing her lips in a kiss that felt like fire burning through his very soul. He wanted to prolong this moment, not yet ready to let it go - he was content to stay wrapped up in her for eternity, if she'd let him, but the tense heat building in his body couldn't be denied. He drew away from her, wondering if the sudden distance between their bodies made her ache the way he did, but the words were lost to another thought as he reached his release across her stomach.

 _I love you_. The words he didn't know how to say caught in his throat as he tried to remember how to breathe, three words that were so simple yet meant so much, three words that had that had the power to topple nations as surely as they had toppled him. _I love you_.

He stayed there for a long moment, feeling her press soft, barely there kisses to his jaw, and then he rolled off of her. He kept one hand clenched around hers as he reached down to feel blindly on the floor until he found a shirt - his shirt, her shirt, he didn't care, he picked up the first one he found to clean off her stomach because there was no way he was getting out of this bed.

When she was clean and the shirt was discarded, his arms wrapped around her, pulling her tight to his chest - it felt strange, holding her close like this, but he couldn't get enough of the feeling of her skin pressed to his. For a while, the only sound was their breathing as they both came down from their highs.

"Are you going to leave again?" Asuna was the first to break the silence, her voice barely a whisper but still seeming to echo in the dark room. He shivered as her fingers idly traced the map of small scars scattered across his chest, as if committing the feeling of every inch of them to memory.

"No," he answered softly, without hesitation, and if his response surprised her, she didn't let on, keeping her attention on touching his scars. He forced himself to take a deep breath, trying to calm his suddenly racing heart. "No. I'm... I'd like to stay, if that's all right with you."

"Good," she mumbled, pressing closer and nuzzling her nose into his neck, the unexpected affection making him shiver. "I want you to stay."

Silence fell over them once more as Kakashi listened to her breathing slowly deepen, until her fingers stilled and she was fast asleep on his chest. He stayed up a while longer, listening to her breathe, unable to hold back a smile when she began to mumble something he couldn't quite make out.

For the first time in as long as he could remember, sleep came to him easily and without dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BRUH. HERE IT IS, A MOMENT 30 CHAPTERS IN THE MAKING. THE ONE THAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.
> 
> The scene where he takes off his mask is literally the first scene that I EVER wrote for this fic. The starting point. The moment this entire thing has been building up to. I hope you like this chapter as much as I do. :)


	31. The Day After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains NSFW material and is not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

Asuna woke to an unexpected warmth against her, the soft, steady beat of a heart beneath her ear. Blinking groggily, she lifted her head, eyes widening when she saw Kakashi there, staring up at the ceiling with one arm folded beneath his head, the other wrapped loosely around her back.

"You're still here," she murmured, her voice seeming to snap him out of his thoughts. He glanced at her, a smile flitting across his face when he saw her looking at him. The sight was breathtaking. "So I wasn't dreaming."

"No," he replied, still smiling as he moved his arm from beneath his head, fingers finding her chin and guiding her up into a sweet, soft kiss. "You weren't dreaming."

"Good." Asuna nuzzled closer, pressing her lips to the corner of his jaw when he drew away, settling back on the pillow. "That was way too nice to just be a dream." He merely hummed in response, arm tightening around her, and she smiled, stroking her fingers gently down his chest. "You want an encore, or would you prefer some breakfast?"

"Is both an option?" Kakashi caught her noise of surprise with his mouth as he rolled so she was beneath him, resting his elbows on either side of her head as he drew back and carding his fingers idly through her hair. "Both sounds good."

"What's gotten into you?" Asuna asked, completely breathless as she stared up at him, taking in all of his features. She still couldn't believe this was real, that he was here... But he was, still smiling that brilliant smile that left her weak in the knees, though now it held an edge of mischief. The expression was strange and entirely surprising, but she decided she liked it. Even it was only a facade, which she suspected it was, it still looked good on him.

"Are you complaining?" he responded, nuzzling his nose into her neck and kissing the hickey he'd left there last night. No, she was definitely not complaining as his lips dragged down her throat to the spot where it met her shoulder, adding a second dark red mark to her pale skin, already beginning to flush a delicate pink in response to his gentle attentions. She hummed softly as his nose skimmed across her collarbone, burying her fingers in his silver hair as he moved back up to reclaim her mouth once more, tongue dipping lazily between her parted lips.

Asuna didn't think she'd ever get tired of Kakashi kissing her like this - slow and deep, unhurried, like he had all the time in the world.

"Okay," she mumbled into his mouth, resisting the involuntary urge to arch her back into his touch as his hand slipped down her chest. Had it always been this hard to breathe? "We should... um..." She momentarily lost her train of thought as his fingers traced a light circle around her nipple. Kami, but it was impossible to focus when he was touching her like this. Forcing herself to take a deep, trembling breath, she opened her eyes to find him watching her through the silky curtain of hair that had fallen over his forehead. _Focus_. "If we don't get out of bed right now I might not let you leave."

"I'm okay with that," Kakashi murmured, letting his fingers slowly delve lower, raising goosebumps in their wake. Asuna couldn't hold back a soft whine as desire spiked her blood, flooding her with _want_ and _need_ and something akin to desperation as he went up on his knees, half-lidded gaze drinking in the sight of her sprawled beneath him with the golden splash of the early morning sun across her dewy skin, taking in every last detail like he was seeing it for the first time.

Kakashi couldn't help but trace every line and curve, fingertips mapping the scars that littered her body, hardened by years as a shinobi yet still beautifully soft beneath his hands, admiring every minute reaction to his touch. Kami, she was beautiful, and a part of him hated himself for never being able to truly appreciate her before, for being so selfish and stubborn. He could have had more of this... whatever this was, something that was entirely too much yet at the same time, nowhere near enough.

He didn't think he could ever get enough of the feeling of her hands on his chest, slipping around his sides and tugging him back to her, or the way she felt clenching down on him, slick and warm as he slipped into her, or the soft moans and whimpers she muffled against his mouth. No, he would never be able to get enough of her.

When they finally managed to convince themselves to leave the warm cocoon of Asuna's bed, it was only to make the short trip to the shower, where he found himself pressed against her again, unable to curb his craving for the closeness of her body and the heady touch of her skin.

"If your goal is to exhaust me enough to get me to stay in bed with you all day, it's working," Asuna teased, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer. It seemed that she couldn't get enough of this, either. Yes, he did want to just keep her in bed all day, ignore his responsibilities and keep her all to himself, even if only just for one day, but genin were typically less understanding than ANBU subordinates and as much as he hated the idea of leaving, he knew he had to go.

"I wish," he murmured, dipping his head to kiss her again before stepping away, tipping his head back as the warm water cascaded through his hair. He sighed when he felt her lips brush his shoulder, tongue following a rivulet of water that streaked down his chest. The sound quickly became a groan as she sank to her knees, kissing his thigh. "Fuck. What are you-"

"Relax." Asuna smiled up at him, lightly running her fingers up and down his thighs. "You'll like this."

Kakashi wasn't oblivious, he had heard the locker room talk and most men spoke almost reverently about this, but he wasn't sure about it - teeth were a dangerous thing, Kami knew he had used his own as a weapon more times than he could count. As if sensing his unease, she drew away, tipping her head back to look up at him.

"Do you trust me?" She had never asked that before, and she looked nervous doing so now.

"With my life." The answer fell from his lips without a single shred of hesitation, with no need for thought and so easily that it left him stunned. She looked just as surprised as he was sure he did, but she took it in stride, and that took away every last shred of unease he felt about admitting it so freely.

Then she leaned in, and he lost his ability to think completely.

"I- oh, fuck." Kakashi staggered back against the wall of the shower at the first long, slow stroke of her tongue up the underside of his shaft, and she followed, her grip on his thighs an anchor as her lips closed around his head, tongue flicking the spot just beneath. His knees shook at the sensation, his moan echoing off the tiles when she did it again. "Fuck. _Fuck_." His fingers scrabbled for purchase on the slick tile, and finding none, clenched into her hair instead. She winced at the sudden sharp tug, but she didn't stop.

The damp heat of her mouth felt almost as good as being buried inside her - almost, but not quite, though he liked it all the same.

"No, don't stop," he whined - actually fucking whined - when she drew back to catch her breath, unable to stop the involuntary buck of his hips toward her mouth as she sat back on her heels, staring up at him through the dark fringe of her lashes. "Asuna, _please_." He didn't even register that he'd said the word until she smirked, leaning in to take him into her mouth again. His knees trembled, back sliding down slightly on the wet tile, barely keeping himself from sinking to the floor. Hot tension wound low around the base of his spine, tightening with each slick tug of her mouth and sinful glide of her tongue. She hummed in protest when he tried to withdraw from her mouth, and that simple vibration of her vocal cords made every muscle in his body tense, hands tightening in her hair as he came.

After a moment, she pulled away, and the sight of her kneeling there licking her lips made his knees buckle. He sank to the floor in front of her, both eyes wide as he watched her look up at him and smile. Kami, this woman might actually be the death of him.

"Told you you'd like it," Asuna murmured, getting to her feet and stepping fully beneath the spray of water. He could only watch through half-lidded eyes as she stood there, gaze drawn, not to her body, but her face - the fan of her long lashes against her cheeks as she closed her eyes, her relaxed smile, the slight curve of her neck and the dark cascade of her hair as she tipped her head back. She looked completely at peace in that moment, and he couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever truly feel that same peace.

Kakashi had gotten a taste of it here with her, but a taste wasn't enough. He craved more.

By the time he regained control of his legs and could stand again, Asuna had already left the shower. He finished quickly, turning off the water and picking up the towel she'd placed on the counter for him, drying off and going back to her room. The shirt he'd grabbed in the dark last night hadn't been his, thankfully, and he dressed quickly, leaving his mask bunched around his neck as he walked out to the kitchen, where Asuna was busy making breakfast.

It felt strange, leaving his mask down even though she'd already seen his face.

"You don't have to leave it off if you don't want to," Asuna said, without looking at him, as if sensing his discomfort. She had always been perceptive, something that had once annoyed him, but now he was grateful for it. Still, he made no move to cover his face.

"It's okay," he replied, walking over and peering over her shoulder, watching her for a moment as she chopped up fruit. "I should get used to it. No more masks, right?"

"It's okay if you aren't comfortable with it." Asuna set down her knife and turned, folding her arms over her chest as she leaned back against the counter. "I'm used to the mask, I'm not going to be upset if you wear it around me. It'll take time to get used to not wearing it." He hummed in response, glancing up at her and smiling. "Kami. You are really, ridiculously good-looking, you know that? It's probably a good thing you hide your face, it would be _so_ distracting in combat."

Kakashi couldn't help but laugh, turning his head to kiss her cheek and murmuring an apology for not being able to stay. Asuna nodded, smiling as she gently tugged his mask up over his face, pausing to kiss him through the fabric before nudging him toward the door.

Everything felt colder as the apartment door shut behind him, the small bit of happiness he had allowed himself to have dissipating like smoke in the wind. The absence of it ached, and he longed to turn and go back to the warmth of Asuna's apartment, but he had genin to attend to and people that he couldn't let down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeahh.... this chapter feels oddly disappointing after the last one. Originally it was not going to have smut. The shower blowie was entirely gratuitous and I am aware of that fact but y'know what? I pretty much tortured Kakashi for 29 chapters, he deserved it lol. 
> 
> Only 2 chapters left yall. *ugly crie*


	32. Daybreak

Kakashi became a semi-permanent fixture at Asuna's apartment. He didn't mean to, but more often than not, after finding his way to her bed, he ended up falling asleep. It was easier, sleeping next to her, it helped keep the nightmares at bay. He knew he couldn't hide from them forever, but for now, he was content to let the comfort of Asuna's presence help. And it did help.

Asuna certainly wasn't complaining, either. Some nights, after a hard day, he reverted into old habits - the odd days that he had missions with other shinobi, some of them ending badly, he found he couldn't look at her. Other nights, he didn't want anything but the warmth of her arms, the comfort of her head on his chest. And still, other nights, he couldn't let himself be around her. She took it all in stride, somehow always seeming to know what he needed most before he could even ask, and he loved her all the more for it.

This night found him sprawled in bed beside her, staring up at the ceiling while she lay on her stomach, both of them sleepy and sated. She was tracing random shapes against his skin, and the feeling of her fingertips on his shoulder was calming, almost distracting him from the sight of the long scar that marred her back.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye to find her watching him through half-lidded, sleep-glazed eyes. She nodded, fingers tracing idly over his ANBU tattoo. "That scar on your back. How did you get it?"

"In Suna," she answered after a moment, fingers stilling on his shoulder. Her eyes closed, and she let out a heavy sigh. "I never did tell you about it, did I?"

"No." Kakashi hesitated, then rolled onto his side, putting a warm hand on her shoulder. She relaxed into the touch, moving closer until her forehead rested against his chest. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

"It was the worst time of my life," she said, heaving another sigh and wrapping her arm around him, fingers splaying on his bare back. "Every day, I thought I was going to be discovered, that I was going to die." He listened in quiet rapture as she told her story, letting his hand rub slowly up and down her spine. He didn't interrupt, even when he could tell that she wasn't telling him the full story - especially about Isao. The way she said her guard's name made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. His hand stilled on her back at her next words. "The night I left, somehow the Kazekage knew. He followed me, and he tried to kill me." She drew away, rolling onto her back and lifting his hand to the scar on her chest, the one she'd gotten from her brother. "It's funny, Akio found me in the desert while I was dying and saved my life, only to stab me in the same spot the Kazekage did." She fell silent for a long moment, shivering slightly as his fingers traced the scar. "I'm sorry I came so close to breaking my promise to you."

"What promise?" he asked quietly, lifting his gaze from her scar to meet her eyes, trying to hide the deep, aching sadness he felt knowing, finally, what she had been through while she'd been gone, the guilt he felt for having spent so long being angry with her for leaving. He felt a fresh surge of hatred for himself at the feeling - he should have had more faith in her.

"That I'd come back." Asuna reached up, running her fingers through his hair, pushing the wayward strands back from his forehead. "You know, I missed you every day that I was gone. When things got bad, I would always think of you and it gave me the strength to keep going."

It always managed to startle Kakashi, how easily Asuna admitted these things to him. Shinobi were taught to suppress their emotions, to view them as a weakness, but Asuna had never seemed to learn that lesson - she had a big heart, and the way she loved so completely, with a fearless, almost reckless abandon, filled him with awe. She amazed him.

He couldn't say the words so he kissed her, pouring every last bit of love and affection he felt into it and hoping she understood.

She did. Of course she did.

With a sigh of contentment, Kakashi broke the kiss, pressing one more to her forehead before laying back, pulling her to his chest. He closed his eyes as she curled against him, nuzzling her head up under his chin and throwing an arm over him. Warmth spread through his chest as he laid there tangled up in her, inhaling her subtle scent and feeling her pressed to his side, her head a comforting weight over his heart.

When sleep finally claimed him, he felt at peace.

He should have known it wouldn't last.

\---

Kakashi's eyes snapped open, eyes fixing on the orange splash of light from the streetlamp outside that illuminated Asuna's bedroom ceiling. Beside him, Asuna stirred, shifting closer, but didn't wake. Instead of feeling comforting, the weight of her arm across his chest felt suffocating. Careful not to wake her, he slipped out of her hold, silently cursing the squeak of the mattress as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat up, staring down at his hands - the hands of a killer, forever covered in blood that would never wash off.

The nightmare had started as it always did - running through the trees with Rin, pursued by enemy ninja. The rocky clearing, surrounded on all sides. Kakashi was prepared to fight, prepared to die, prepared to do whatever it took to protect Rin. He felt his chakra crackle through his body, concentrating in his hand, the song of a thousand birds echoing in the night as the lighting sprang to life in his palm. He moved...

And then the worst happened.

Rin leapt in front of him, his arm tearing through her chest like it was made of butter. He felt her blood spatter across his face, could feel it running, hot and wet, down his arm, but all he could see were her eyes, her warm brown eyes filled with fear as she used her last breath to gasp out his name in stuttered, broken sounds.

That was where the nightmare changed. Now, it was Guy standing before him, the overeager man who called Kakashi his eternal rival, constantly challenging him no matter how many times he was rebuffed, currently choking on his own blood. Tenzo - kind, young Tenzo who looked up to Kakashi in a way that no one ever had, with respect instead of apprehension, his eyes currently blown wide with confusion and fear. Bright, outgoing Yugao, her purple hair slowly soaking up the blood... and Asuna.

Asuna, who loved him despite his flaws, despite the awful things that he had done, despite the blood on his hands. Asuna, who knew that he was the reason her best friend had died, who had watched him beat her other best friend to a bloody pulp. Asuna, who had only ever known him as this hollow, broken thing that he had become and loved him anyway.

Even with his arm through her chest, feeling the life slowly fade from her body, she was smiling, nothing but love in her eyes as she told him it was okay... and then she died.

That was the moment at which Kakashi had woken up, chest heaving with every rapid breath and soaked with sweat, heartbeat pulsing hard and fast in his ears. That was the moment that forced Kakashi from the bed, dressing silently in the dark.

"Mm," Asuna mumbled groggily when he stroked her hair back from her forehead, reaching up to wrap her fingers loosely around his wrist. She didn't open her eyes, and for that he was grateful. If he looked into those eyes now, he would stay. "Where are you going? Is it time to get up?"

"No, not yet," he murmured, leaning down to press a soft kiss to the top of her head. "I..." What did he tell her? He settled on the truth. "I had another nightmare. I'm going to go walk around for a little bit, but I'll come back."

"No." She was fully awake in an instant, sitting up and opening her eyes. Her hand tightened on his wrist before he could pull it away. "No, you promised you weren't running anymore."

"I'm not running," he assured her, extending his fingers to brush them against her forehead in an attempt to placate her. She didn't look like she believed him. He didn't blame her, his original plan had definitely been to run, but the worry evident beneath the anger in her eyes was calming, clarifying. He couldn't remember why he had considered that an option in the first place. "I just need some fresh air. I'll come back in a little while, and I'll tell you about it then, I promise."

"Fine," she agreed reluctantly, releasing his wrist. Her expression softened, and he sighed when she reached up to touch his cheek. "Sorry. For getting mad."

"It's fine." Kakashi couldn't resist leaning down to kiss her, regret flooding his senses. He was an idiot - it had only been a dream, a nightmare, it wasn't real. Asuna _was_ real, angling up into his kiss with a soft desperation that all but begged him to stay. He drew back with a sigh, keeping his forehead pressed to hers. "I'll be back."

"I'll wait," she murmured, stealing one last kiss before he backed away, turning and leaving the room.

Asuna watched him go, worry clenching like a vice around her heart. These past few days had been good, so unbelievably good, but a part of her had been wondering where the other shoe was... and it had just dropped.

It was easy for Kakashi to pretend he was fine, for her to pretend to believe that he was fine, but the truth was, he wasn't. He was, admittedly, closer to fine than he had ever been in the time she'd known him, but he had a long way to go before he was anywhere remarkably close to healthy and whole, and how quickly he had reverted into flight mode, despite his insistence that he hadn't, was a sobering reminder of that.

But he had promised to come back, and now all she could do was wait and see if he actually did.

Seconds passed. Minutes became an hour, an hour became two. Dawn was beginning to break over the village when Asuna sighed, expanding her senses. She found Kakashi's chakra on the roof, and for a brief, heart-stopping second, she wondered if he was thinking about jumping.

She dressed quickly, not bothering to lock her apartment as she left, taking the stairs to the roof two at a time. She found him standing on the edge of the rooftop, back to her and body tense, staring out over the horizon.

"I've watched the sun rise thousands of times," he said, and it didn't really surprise her that he knew that she was there. "People talk about it, but I've never understood why. It's always been... muted, just this thing that signifies that I made it through another night. I came up here because I thought maybe, now that things are different, I might understand." He stretched one arm out behind him, palm open, inviting. She took it, stepping up beside him.

"Do you?" she asked quietly, leaning against him when he released her hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, closing her eyes when he sighed and turned to kiss the top of her head.

"No, not really." Kakashi paused, glancing down at her for a moment before looking back up, heaving a sigh. "I dream about it still. The night Rin died." Asuna didn't say anything - she knew that, knew that it haunted him the way the fire haunted her. She couldn't help but reach up to touch the scar across the back of her neck. "It's always the same, an exact replication of what happened. But this time..." He withdrew his arm, and she shivered at the sudden chill of the air where the warm weight had just been. "This time I saw other faces in Rin's place. Guy, Tenzo, Yugao." She looked up at him when he hesitated, finding his eyes closed. "You."

Asuna couldn't help but step closer, ignoring the way he tensed when she wrapped her arms around him, ignoring everything but the warmth of his body and the steady beat of his heart. She didn't say anything, waiting for him to continue. After taking a moment to collect himself, he did.

"I lied earlier, I was planning to run," he mumbled, finally relaxing into her touch, returning her embrace and resting his chin on top of her head. "I'm still terrified that one day, I'll be the reason you die. And even if that doesn't happen, I'm scared you'll realize how bad I am for you, that it's not possible to fix me, and you'll leave. I'm just... I'm scared. The idea of losing you scares me."

It wasn't the first time Kakashi had admitted fear to her, but still, the sudden confession was startling.

"I'm not with you because I want to fix you, Kakashi," Asuna murmured in response, pulling back just enough to look up at him. "I'm with you because I love you and I want to help you heal. When are you going to get it through your thick head that I'm not going anywhere?" She smiled, reaching up to brush his hair back from his forehead, but a second later that smile became a frown. "I would be arrogant to think that I'm enough to completely piece you back together. Believe me, though, if I could, I would. But I can't. All I can do is be patient and be here, and I promise you, that's exactly what I'm going to do."

"I don't know if I'll ever heal," Kakashi admitted, sighing and tipping his head back, breaking her gaze. "You'd be better off-"

"Let me decide how I'd be better off," she interrupted, drawing his attention back to her eyes. "You're not pushing me away, Kakashi, not again. I'm going to be here, however long it takes. If it never happens, it never happens, but for what it's worth, I believe that it will."

They stared at each other, fierce blue clashing with cold grey, until finally, Kakashi sighed, relenting.

"Okay," he said, shaking his head, unable to hold back his soft laugh. "You're really mouthy, you know that?"

"Yeah, yeah, you know you like my mouth," she teased, grinning when she saw a faint hint of a blush rise on his cheeks. "Oh, that's new. You're thinking about the other morning in the shower, aren't you?" His blush deepened, and that was all the answer she needed. She couldn't help but tease him further, but at the back of her mind, her thoughts were stuck on his nightmare, and the fact that she hadn't had to ask him to talk to her about it.

It wasn't much, but Kakashi had given her something, and that was progress.

For now, it was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter yall. Kakashi's making some more progress!


	33. Bells

Asuna walked through the village, hands tucked into her pockets and enjoying the warm sun and gentle spring breeze. A lot had changed in four years, but the sight of Asuma, Kurenai, Genma, Raido, Iwashi, and Guy in the dango shop, laughing over some story Genma was telling, was familiar, and she couldn't help but smile. Genma waved and called to her as she passed, but she just shook her head - she wished she could join them, but she had somewhere to be and she didn't have time.

Things were shifting again, she could feel it in her bones.

Kakashi had made a lot of progress in the last four years. It was slow going at first, but as more time passed it had become easier for him to open up to Asuna. Now when he hesitated, it wasn't out of fear of talking about it, but worry that he was giving her an unnecessary burden. She had told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was being an idiot.

Last night, the last piece of the puzzle had fallen into place. Rin was the one thing Kakashi had never been able to bring himself to tell her about, but another nightmare had woken him in a cold sweat and she'd found him in the bathroom, hands raw and red as he scrubbed at blood that wasn't there. They had sat right there on the floor, and when he had finished talking, she understood with painful clarity why her death haunted him more than anyone else's. She had always known part of what had happened, but hearing Kakashi's side of it made it hurt that much more.

She couldn't say she completely understood him, but now she had a better grasp of why he was the way he was, and it hurt. It was agonizing, knowing every detail of all of the pain that he'd carried around with him for so long, but she was also glad to finally know. True to her word, she had never pushed him - he made the decision to reach out to her, to talk and finally admit that he needed help. Now, maybe he could finally start to heal.

Kakashi had found some small semblance of peace in all that had happened, and Asuna wished that she could say the same.

Akio was still out there somewhere, still under the control of Orochimaru. She hadn't heard so much as a whisper about him in the last four years, every potential lead she had turned up had come up empty. It was like he had vanished, and a part of her wondered if he was dead. She shook off that thought as quickly as it had risen - if her brother were dead, she doubted it would be a quiet, secret affair. Someone somewhere would have heard something.

The silence troubled her the most. Before her last run in with her brother, there had been plenty of rumors about Orochimaru. Nothing ever panned out, but anything was better than nothing, false lead or not. After, though, everything had ceased. It was likely Akio had told Orochimaru that she was digging, and even more likely that they had gone underground.

It was frustrating and vaguely terrifying, knowing that Akio was out there with the enemy, even more so knowing that there was nothing she could do. Until they found Orochimaru, there was absolutely nothing she could do to save her brother. Hopefully her new team could change that.

Asuna had been watching the three of them for months, observing every training session and making note of their abilities. Saori Yamanaka was the first one that she had tapped. A kunoichi of the Yamanaka clan, Saori was a tokubetsu jonin that specialized in genjutsu, proficient in the secret techniques of her clan and a valued member of the Interrogation Unit. If the blonde woman had been surprised to be pulled from her duties for a top secret S-rank mission, she hadn't let it show - instead, she popped off some snarky comment, followed by a wry smile. Asuna had taken to her instantly.

Kenta Hatanaka had been a little less welcoming to her invitation. A seasoned jonin proficient in fire, water, and earth style techniques with an impressive record in the Third Shinobi War, he had retired upon the war's end, turning his hands from weapons of war to tools of healing. He was one of the Leaf Hospital's most talented medical ninja, and they were as loathe to let him go as he was to leave. In the end, he had agreed, but only with the promise that when their mission ended, no one would come to him again and ask him to leave his retirement.

The final member of her new team was also the youngest. A member of the branch family of the Hyuga clan, Naoki Hyuga was by far the most impressive. He had been made jonin at the age of thirteen, but even at nineteen had yet to see much of combat. Asuna had attended several of his training sessions within the Hyuga compound at Hiashi Hyuga's invitation, and was blown away by his mastery of the Byakugan and his clan's Gentle Fist technique. He would be a valuable asset and she had told Hiashi as much. Hiashi had been glad to be rid of him, and she had barely been five minutes into a conversation with the youth when she figured out why. He was brash, hotheaded and quick to anger, shooting off his mouth without a single thought to his words. It grated on her nerves, but she had made a decision and it was too late to back out now.

Earlier that morning, they had all met with the Hokage to receive their first set of orders. Asuna was surprised at how smoothly the meeting had gone - Saori and Naoki did not get along in the slightest, and Kenta was a grumpy old coot that didn't like any of them. Yet they had all stayed perfectly silent and respectful as the Hokage informed them that they would deploy tomorrow for a reconnaissance mission in the Hidden Sound Village. It didn't exactly pertain to Orochimaru, but they were a new village, a place they hadn't looked for the Sannin before, and as vague a lead as it was, it was still something. However, the instant they left the Hokage, all hell had broken loose. Kenta left before things got too bad, but Saori and Naoki's bickering turned into a full-blown fist fight that hadn't stopped until Asuna had taken a few too many punches to the face trying to get between them and had blasted them apart with her wind style.

Saori had run off disgruntled and disheveled, but Asuna had grabbed Naoki by the ear before he could do the same, dragging him through the streets until she found an isolated spot to tear into him. He'd taken her verbal lashing in petulant silence, waiting until she was finished to open his mouth. The insult he uttered had earned him a solid knock of Asuna's fist against the back of his head and a promise that if he ever mouthed off to her again, she would make sure he spent the rest of his shinobi career cleaning dog shit off the streets.

When he finally skulked off and Asuna was alone once more, she closed her eyes and pushed out her senses until she found Kakashi, on the training grounds near the Memorial Stone. He should be starting the test for his new batch of genin right now. She didn't know much about his team, but she could feel their chakra nearby - one stood out to her. It was muted, as if blocked by something, but still stronger than any genin's chakra had any right to be. It seemed Kakashi had landed himself in charge of Naruto Uzumaki, the Nine Tails jinchuuriki.

That was where she was heading now, bypassing her friends at the dango shop in favor of watching Kakashi test his prospective team. Every group he'd had so far had been sent back to the Academy, unable to meet his strict criteria, but this feeling Asuna had said something was about to change.

Kakashi glanced her way when he sensed her approach, but otherwise didn't acknowledge her, busy explaining his test to the genin. Asuna perched in a nearby tree, studying them. They stood in a line - a boy she recognized immediately as the Fourth Hokage's son stood in the middle, a pink-haired girl to his right and a boy wearing the Uchiha crest to his left. It was an interesting team, she was curious to see how this would go.

Her perch in the tree gave her a clear view of the field below, and it was amusing to watch these three children try to best Kakashi. The Uzumaki boy was particularly funny - she wondered if Kakashi saw Minato in the kid, which led her to wonder if he was okay. It must be difficult for him to be training the child of his former sensei. He seemed unbothered, though, enough to pull out a book. She wasn't sure if it was his confidence or the choice of book that made her roll her eyes.

No longer interested in watching the genin get their asses kicked, she turned her attention to Kakashi. He looked entirely carefree in this moment, reading his book and dodging Naruto's attacks with ease, and she was again struck by just how far he'd come.

Asuna had seen Kakashi at his lowest, battered and beaten bloody by all the pain that life had to offer until he was a mess on the bathroom floor, waking to someone that wanted to love him but didn't know how, and Kakashi sure as hell didn't know how to let her. Asuna had kept an eye on him ever since, watching over him as he learned to open his eyes each morning and actually _live_ instead of just surviving, to heal instead of just coping.

Sure, he still had nightmares and didn't sleep much. She still woke to find him in the bathroom scrubbing his hands, still watched him stand at the Memorial or Rin's headstone for hours on end, but he had stopped apologizing. Instead, he told them stories. He talked to them about the things they were missing instead of telling them how much he regretted that he was still here and they weren't.

It was progress. He was trying, really trying, so what more could she ask?

In a world where people died every day, they were still here. They were still breathing. It was entirely possible that things would get bad again down the road, but that wasn't the point. The point was that there was a road. There was a future, uncertain and terrifying as it was, and no matter what happened, they would walk toward it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: my dumb sleep deprived brain was stuck on Kakashi being 25 for some reason and ignored the fuck out of canon. Number of years in the time skip has been fixed to reflect the actual canon timeline.
> 
> To be continued....
> 
> And that's it folks. The last chapter in this fic. But don't worry! The angst will pick back up in the sensei-centric sequel, Somewhere In Between, coming... ahh, fuck, I don't know when it's coming but soon...ish. In the near future.
> 
> THE BIGGEST OF THANKS to the incredible ASH anon for making this possible with their incredibly detailed requests for headcanons/scenarios regarding Kakashi as he progressed through Anbu to Sensei to Hokage. Without them, this fic would not have happened. Thank you for coming to my humble ol' headcanons blog ask box instead of someone else's. :)
> 
> A massive thank you to my lovely friend Ez (ayyyez here on ao3/tumblr), who listened to me spout ideas and brainstormed with my perpetually sleep-deprived ass while also working on her own fic. (which, by the way, go check out. her characterization of neji is fucking spot on. plus there's a bunch of deidara smut. goooo)
> 
> And last but certainly not least, thank you, dear reader, for following me on this journey. This is the first fic I've ever put up somewhere for anyone to read, and it's also the first fic I've ever completed. Your kudos and reviews motivated me to keep this thing going for 33 angsty chapters, and I appreciate and adore you.
> 
> I'll see all of you for the next installment, and in the meantime I'm gonna go write me a Genma fic. :)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Naruto and all recognizable characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto. Title belongs to the Buddy Wakefield poem of the same name. Any OCs are creations of my imagination.
> 
> Inspired by a series of headcanon requests I've received from the lovely ASH anon on Tumblr, based around the ANBU/sensei/Hokage phases of Kakashi's life.
> 
> I'll try my best to keep it in character and tag as I go. Constructive criticism is always encouraged!


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